After dinner Monica went upstairs to sit with Bert and Liv. It has been a bad day for Liv, filled with an increasing amount of pain. When Monica got to the room Liv had just fallen asleep. She quietly pulled up a chair and sat down next to Bert.
“She just dozed off.” He whispered.
Monica nodded and reached over to take his hand. They sat in silence for several minutes before Bert said softly, “She’s trying so hard to hold on and not have her pain medicine increased until she sees him.”
“I know.” Monica whispered. “He’ll be here in a few hours.”
On the bed Liv moaned softly. Bert closed his eyes, “It’s so fucking hard to see her in pain.”
“Why don’t you go out on the deck and smoke a cigarette. I’ll sit here with her.”
He nodded and stood. Before leaving the room he gave Monica’s cheek a brief kiss.
Several minutes passed then Liv opened her eyes. “Monica.” She said her voice rough.
“Need a drink of water?”
Liv nodded. Monica poured a glass from the pitcher by the bed and helped Liv sit up enough to take a sip. She leaned back against her pillows. “I really wish he wasn’t coming.”
“You don’t mean that.” Monica said sitting back down.
Liv closed her eyes, “What can I say to him that will take away all the pain I caused him?”
“Just tell him the truth about your past. Tell him why you couldn’t let yourself love him like you wanted.”
Liv remained silent.
“He feels like he failed you. He always has.” Monica said sadly letting the truth be told.
Liv opened her eyes with a surprised look, “He thinks he failed me?”
Monica nodded, “He’s always believed that. He thinks that he should have been the one to make you and him stop the drugs and the drinking. I told him how young you were when you met him. Because of that he really feels that way now.”
“Shit.” Liv said with a sigh, “He couldn’t have made me stop. Those things were what kept me going. They blocked out the memories.”
“Then that’s what you need to tell him.” Monica looked away, “And you need to tell him how much you loved him and that you didn’t leave him because you’d stopped loving him. You’ve never stopped loving him.”
Liv looked over at her, “That’s the truth.”
Monica met her gaze, “I know and he’s never stopped loving you.”
“He home yet?” Kara asked as soon as Monica answered.
Monica turned the volume down on the TV. “Not yet. I’m sorta getting worried. I hope he calls when he gets into the airport.”
Kara almost replied that she doubted he’d be considerate enough to do that but she held her tongue. “How’s Liv?”
“Her pain is getting worse but she won’t take any more medicine until she sees him.”
“Can’t you make her reconsider? It’s got to be brutal to lay there in pain.”
Monica shook her head, “I tried just a bit ago and so has Bert but she says she wants to have a clear mind when she talks to Gee.”
Kara sat down on the patio chair, “Mom, do you ever wonder if there is more to the story of why she left him? I mean I understand that her past fucked her up and all but I still don’t really understand.”
Monica had the same questions, “Honestly I’ve always wondered if Eliza didn’t have something to do with it. I wonder if she somehow found out about Liv’s past and threatened to tell Gerard about it.”
“I don’t think it would have mattered to him.” Kara said frowning, “Do you?”
Monica thought a moment, “I don’t think it would have but I think it would have made a big difference to Liv. She didn’t ever want to remember her past. She didn’t want anyone to know about it. It made her feel weak and that was something she hated.”
“That’s true. You know she really likes you.” Kara said remembering one of the conversations she’d had with Liv.
“I really like her.” Monica said sadly, “I’ve been thinking about it and I want to make sure all of us help keep her memory alive for Elle. I don’t want Elle ever to forget how much her Mom loved her.”
“Yeah.” Kara said, “She’s such a sweet kid. Liv really was doing a good job raising her.”
“How’s she doing tonight?” Monica asked picturing Elle in her head.
“She asked me about Liv again before she fell asleep. I read her a story and she told me her mommy had read her that one. God, it’s all so sad. I can’t imagine what my life would have been like if something had happened to you.”
Her comment surprised Monica. “I always tried my best to be a good mother to you girls.” She said softly.
Kara hated the sadness in her voice. She tried to lighten the mood, “Hey, look how great I turned out. You must have done something right.”
Monica smiled, “I know your teasing but your words are true. You have turned out to be a wonderful young woman. I’m not sure the way I raised you had much to do with it but it’s true.”
Kara smiled, “Mom, the way you raised me had everything to do with it. I just didn’t realize it at first. You are strong when you have to be. And yeah, I think too kind a lot of the time but still.” Her voice trailed off.
“I love you.” Monica said simply.
“I love you, too.” Kara answered before disconnecting.
The sound of a car pulling up in front of the house caused Monica’s heart to skip a beat. She pocketed her cell phone, flipped off the TV plunging the room into darkness. Within a few minutes she heard a key being inserted and the front door opening. Monica continued to sit in the darkness willing herself not to move. She wondered if Gerard would seek her out or simply head upstairs. Closing her eyes she heard him moving in the entry hall.
His arms were around her before she opened her eyes.
“God, I’ve missed you.” He whispered pulling her into his arms. “So fucking much.” His lips crashed against hers. Monica’s arms encircled his neck and pulled him even closer. The kiss lasted until they were both breathless.
“Why were you sitting in the dark?” He asked softly.
“I was just waiting for you.” She answered honestly, She laid her head against his chest revealing in the feeling of love she found in his arms.
“I didn’t think I’d ever get home.” His voice was tired. “I caught a later flight and then we got delayed landing in New York.”
“I was getting worried.” Monica admitted. “I wish so badly you didn’t have to leave in the morning.”
“Me, too.” He said before dropping a kiss on her forehead.
They sat holding each other for several minutes before Monica spoke. “She’s in a lot of pain today but wouldn’t take a larger dose of the morphine because she’s waiting to talk to you.”
Gerard tightened his arms around her, “Is she awake now?”
“I don’t know. She only sleeps for short intervals.”
He didn’t make a move to stand. “I’m so fucking scared to see her.”
He wished there was some way he could make her understand how he was feeling. “I always wanted to know why but I never wanted it to be like this.”
Monica did understand, “Things happen that our out to our control. I’m just glad she agreed to talk to you. I knew you needed to hear about her past. Not from me but from her. You are Liv need to deal with the past.”
“But I have a future and she…” He lowered his head.
Monica kissed his cheek, “In a way she does have a future. Her daughter is her legacy. Elle is a beautiful reminder of the love you and Liv shared.”
Gerard raised his head, “Thank you for loving Elle.”
“I love Elle with all my heart. She’s our little girl now but I’m never going to let her forget her mother. I want Liv’s memory to live on for Elle.”
“But not for me.” He whispered.
Monica’s breath caught. This was so hard to talk about, “Gee, I understand Liv’s memory will always be with you. I’m not stupid.” She tried to keep the anger from her voice.
“No, you’re not stupid except when it comes to me. You’ve put up with more shit than anyone should have to put up with.”
Monica sat up and moved away slightly, “Do you love me?” The question hung in the air.
“Yes, I love you.” Gerard answered, “Believe me.” It was a plea.
“And I love you. We will get through this together. Losing Liv will be hard for me too. I’ve grown to care very much for her.”
Gerard reached out and stroked her cheek, “I just want to close my eyes and make this all go away.”
“If only wishing worked like that.” Monica said sadly. She stood and put her hand out to him, “Come on. You need to see Liv.”
Gerard took her hand and they walked towards the stairs. He gripped Monica’s hand tightly trying to gain strength through her touch. It was at the entrance to Liv’s room Monica pulled her hand away.
Bert turned to look at them. He saw that Gerard’s eyes were on Liv. Slowly she opened her eyes and saw him. “Hello Gee.”
His feet moved slowly towards the bed. Bert stood, “Glad you’re here, man.” He said to Gerard.
Gerard nodded to him, “Thanks for helping Monica.”
Bert was surprised by the comment, “It’s where I wanted to be.” He said softly. “Hey, I’m gonna get some fresh air.” He started to walk towards the door where Monica still stood.
“Bert?” Liv’s voice was weak.
Bert turned and waited.
“You’re coming back, right?” She sounded so fragile.
“Sure, Livie. I’ll be back later.” He moved to where Monica stood.
Gerard turned back to look at Monica. She smiled sadly then turned to leave the room with Bert following closely behind.
Slowly Gerard lowered himself into the chair, “Liv, I don’t know what to say, where to begin.”
Liv gave him a small smile, “Then let me begin. Gerard Arthur Way I fell in love with you the moment I saw you.” Her voice grew softer, “And I never stopped.”
AUTHORS NOTE – HEY GUYS. SOME THINGS HAVE COME UP THAT I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF SO I’M TAKING A BIT OF TIME OFF. ONE OF THE THINGS IS A MY CHEM CONCERT ON TUESDAY. ANYWAY I REALLY NEED THIS TIME AND HOPE YOU DON’T FORGET THE STORY. NEW UPDATE WILL BE APR. 22.
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