FicWad

Monica and Bert walked out onto the deck not bothering to turn on the outside lights. The darkness seemed more fitting for the emotions that filled their hearts. Monica pulled out a chair while Bert moved over towards the railing and lit a cigarette.
"You know it's stupid but fuck it made me feel good that she asked me if I was coming back."
Monica understood, "Bert, Liv cares so much for you. You've brought her a lot of happiness by staying here."
"I hope that's true." He shook his head, "I just wish so fucking much there was something I could do to make this all just go away. Why does she have to die? It's not right."
"They say everything happens for a reason. I've never really quite understood that but then maybe we're not meant to understand it." Monica placed her arms on the table and lowered her head.
Bert looked over at her. He couldn't see her clearly because of the darkness but he could hear her gently crying. "It'll be over soon, won't it?"
Monica found her voice, "Yeah, and then life will go on but I wonder how different things will be."
He tossed his cigarette butt away and took the seat next to her, "Things will go back to the way they were before for you and Gee."
Monica raised her head, "I'm not sure about that. I don't think they can ever be like they were before. This is going to change Gee. For so long he held on to so much anger towards her. Now that will be gone."
"But that's a good thing." Bert said, "He can move on without the anger."
Monica tried to put her feelings into words, "Sometimes I wonder if Gee was attracted to me because he thought I was the opposite of Liv. He thought I was nothing like her but the truth is she and I have so much more in common than anyone would have believed. But then it changed and I wonder if he saw in me a chance to do for me what he couldn't do for Liv."
"I don't understand what you're saying." Bert said honestly.
Monica needed to get these thoughts out of her head, "When we were first together all he wanted to do was save me. He could tell there was something from my past that had left me mentally scared. He wanted to save me." Her voice shook, "He wanted to save me, something he always felt he hadn't done for Liv."
Bert sat back thinking over her words. "I don't believe that is the only reason he was attracted to you. Monica, you can't see what others can. You are a very special woman. He fell in love with you for lots of reasons. Don't keep thinking everything had to do with Liv and their relationship."
"I honestly don't know what to think anymore. The stress is making all my thoughts jumbled."
"It will all be okay." Bert put his arm around her. "You and Gee will get through this together. I've never known two people that were more perfect for each other than the two of you."
Monica laid her head against his shoulder, "I want to believe your words." She said softly. "But I think at this point only time will tell."

Gerard's breath caught, "Livie, tell me why. Why if you loved me did you leave me?" The pain in his voice caused Liv's heart to break.
"There are so many things you don't know about me. So much that I didn't say. I couldn't."
He leaned over and took her hand in his, "Tell me, please. Help me to understand what happened between us."
"What happened between us was all my fault. It was never yours. You tried so hard to make me happy and the more you did that the angrier it made me. I didn't want to love you Gee. I fought my love for you everyday."
"But why? Why would loving me be so bad?"
Liv took a deep breath but was rewarded with a sharp pain. Gerard saw her flinch. "What can I get you?" He asked quickly.
Liv shook her head, "Nothing. I don't want drugs to mess up my mind now. They did that before when I was with you."
"That was my fault." He said angry with himself. "My fucking fault."
"No, it wasn’t'."
He nodded, "Yeah, you were so young it was totally my fault. How the fuck couldn't I see you were so young? What was wrong with me?"
Liv tightened her grip on his hand, "No, stop it. It was not your fault. I lied to you. I told you I was older and you believed it because in a way I was older. Life made me grow up before I should have. The drugs are what got me through life. They kept the fucking memories from taking over and destroying me. There was nothing you could have done. I was destroying myself. I just fucking wish I hadn't almost taken you with me. I fucked up your life and you have no idea how sorry I am about that."
"I still don't understand." He said letting some of his anger fade, "Why couldn't my love make you forget about the past?"
"Because I chose to let the memories eat me alive." She looked into his eyes, "Let me start at the beginning. Let me tell you where I came from, the place that I could never escape."
Liv closed her eyes and told him the story that had haunted them both.

An hour later the temperature had dropped several more degrees. Bert pushed back from the table and stood, "Come on lets go inside, you're shivering."
Monica stood, "I wonder how much longer." She didn't need to say more because he understood.
"They had a lot to talk about. I'm just worried it's wearing her out. She’s so fucking weak."
They walked into the warmth of the kitchen. "I think I'll have a cup of tea." Monica said walking over to the stove. Bert watched her as she filled the teakettle. Her hands were shaking. Once the kettle was on the stove she sat down at the table. Suddenly she stood back up. "I think I'm going to skip the tea." She went to the stove and turned off the burner. "I'm gonna go up to bed."
Bert was on his feet and at her side in a matter of seconds. He hugged her tightly. "Monica, you're at the breaking point. Try to calm down."
She shook her head, "I know I am. I can't think anymore tonight. I just want to close my eyes and sleep." She whispered.
"Go on upstairs" he kissed her forehead.
He watched as she made her way to the back staircase and slowly started up. He was worried about her now more than ever. The stress was really taking its toll on her. He knew he needed to talk to Gee about it. Monica needed him and Gee needed to realize it.
Monica reached the top of the stairs and stopped. Yes, she should have gone up the other staircase because if she had she wouldn't be looking directly into Liv's room. She wouldn't be seeing Gee lying on the bed next to Liv holding her in his arms. Tears fell down Monica's cheeks as she silently turned and moved down the hall to her bedroom. Undressing in the dark she slipped into bed and felt the darkness close in on her. She felt her whole life was closing in on her.

An hour later a very tired Gerard stumbled into the kitchen. "Hey." he said spotting Bert sitting at the table. "Where's Monica?"
"She went up to bed about an hour ago." Bert answered.
"She didn't wait up for me?" The hurt in Gerard's voice was clear.
"Man, sit down a minute. We need to talk."
Gerard tiredly lowered himself into the chair, "She told me about her past." he said running his hand through his hair. "It was so fucking brutal to hear."
Bert felt a stab of jealousy. Liv had only told him about part of her past but she'd obviously told Gerard more. "Yeah, well it's the past. Nothing can be done to change it."
"I just wish I'd known. If only she'd told me."
Bert spoke up interrupting him, "It's the past. Let it go, you can't go back."
"You think I don't know that?" Gerard's temper snapped, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Bert sat back and tried to control the anger he felt. He understood the anger was the product of so many things and he didn't want to direct it at his friend. "Look, I just don't want you to let the past mess up the life you have now."
"Monica" Gerard whispered realizing what Bert was saying.
Bert nodded, "Yeah, Monica. She's to the breaking point. She's watching a woman she truly cares about die. She cares for her and fears her all at the same time."
"Fears?'
"Yeah, she fears that Liv's hold on you will destroy her relationship with you."
Gerard lit a cigarette, "How could it destroy what we have? I don't understand. Liv's dying."
"G-man, think about it. Monica told me she's afraid the reason you were attracted to her in the beginning was because you wanted to save her from her past. That you wanted to save her because you hadn't been able to save Liv."
Gerard sat back stunned, "I did want to help her but Liv had nothing to do with it. Monica's love saved me. I thought I'd always be alone and she gave me hope. She made me want to live and love again."
"But still you couldn't let your past with Liv go." Bert said softly.
Gerard looked down, "Yeah, still I couldn't let go of my past with Liv." he said sounding defeated.
Bert sighed, "Look, what's happening to Liv is brutal for both of us. You know that I always loved her."
"Yeah, I knew." Gerard said meeting his gaze, "I always knew."
"But you have someone who will help you through this. She's been at your side through so much shit since you met her. Don't forget how fragile Monica can be. She's trying so hard to be strong for you that she's forgetting to be strong for herself." He lowered his voice, "Man, she needs you."
Gerard thought about the woman upstairs in his bed. She had given him her heart and soul and he needed to make her understand that he had given her his. He stood slowly, "I'm going up to bed." He glanced at the clock. "Gotta get up in fucking three hours."
Bert stood also. "I'm going up too. I stay with Liv in case she wakes up and needs anything."
"It's really great you've stayed with her." Gerard said, "Thanks."
Bert nodded,” You’ll see Liv in the morning again?"
Gerard nodded sadly, "Yeah, I promised I'd tell her goodbye." It tore at his heart that he knew it would be for the very last time.