FicWad

They got to Ray’s house and that moment when all seemed right with the world was just that a moment. Reality came back full force when they entered Ray’s house.

Bob got on his sidekick and called Mary. The phone was off so he left a message. “Get your fucking ass over here to Ray’s now.”

“That was rather delightful. I know I’d be running right over,” said Frank sarcastically.

Bob’s POV

“Shut the fuck up Frank. I’ve had just about enough of you.”

“Bob just calm down,” said Mikey.

“What Mikey did you expect this to be a warm and fuzzy reunion. I created the perfect life for my daughter, and none of you were part of it.”

Ray looked straight at me and quietly said, “Neither were you.”

He was right. Everything I was, good and bad, went out the window that New Years Day. When Mary was young it was so easy, we did things that were fun for her and she had lots of friends to play with. Every night I would look in the mirror and make sure that I would never become the monster I almost became. The monster I would have if these four hadn’t taken Mary away. I look at their faces and I couldn’t bear what they would think if they knew the truth. Fuck I hated me, it would only stand for me to believe they would hate me too. So they hate me because I’m an asshole I can live with that at least I think I can. I have for all these years. But have I? I keep a separate room in my house just so I can live out those days in my mind. Just so I can pretend for just a little while we’re a band again.

“Fuck off Ray.”

“We’re sorry we weren’t there for you. You have every right to be mad at us and we let you down,” said Gerard, “especially me. I’ve been through it and you were there for me. You made sure that I was occupied during The Warp tour by pushing Brian to put in a studio on the bus. You were there when Bert wouldn’t stop banging on the bus door to try and get me to go drinking. You told him off for me, you burned your bridge with him to make sure I stayed clean.

“What was I supposed to do? We were best friends. That night at the concert after I spent all day at the emergency room and you called me your best friend. That meant everything to me.”

“It should have meant everything to us too,” said Ray. “I talked to Kenny shortly after you moved. It killed me to find out you almost killed yourself because we weren’t there for you. We took away the only thing that made your life worth living.”

How can I just stand there and make them think they were responsible for what happened after they took Mary. Here it goes. Will they ever forgive me because I know I have never forgiven myself?

“Kenny’s wrong you’re all wrong. I tried to kill myself because I was a monster.”

“Bob.”

“Shut up Ray, this is going to be hard enough telling you. I’ve avoided it for over seventeen years. So please let me finish and then have your say.”

I sat down took a deep breath and looked at them I wanted to remember them like this because it will soon all change.

“I couldn’t handle it anymore. I hated being without Sam and I was depressed all the time. After Halloween something inside me snapped. I was holding it together barely before then, but after my visit here I snapped. I was jealous I guess it was like all these perfect families and me, the twisted one. When you found me doing coke that day Ray I told you it was only the third time. That was a half truth it was the third time that day.”

Frank turned to Ray, “You caught him too?”

“After that I just quit. I had no interest in anything, including taking care of myself and Mary. After she got sick around Thanksgiving I wanted to get better I really did, but I couldn’t. One day I felt like I was having a heart attack. I knew what the cause was, the coke. So I stopped. It was then I realized I couldn’t live without Mary and vice versa. I couldn’t die because where would that leave Mary? I was scared that she would end up in a foster home where bad things can happen to babies. But I just couldn’t face a new year without Sam.”

Fuck! Tears were starting to roll down my eyes. These guys have never seen me cry, but I had to go on or else I would keep this inside of me forever.

“So I planned it all. I would stay obliviously drunk until New Years Eve day, I planned on being sober that whole day. I would need to be. At five seconds to midnight I planned on making Sam the mother she deserved to be and at the stroke of midnight we would all be a family again. But you came and you took Mary away and saved her life. I sobered up real fast and for the first time I realized what a monster I was. That’s why I wanted to kill myself after you took Mary. What kind of monster would want to kill their child because they had a dream of being the perfect family? I called Kenny asking that if you guys couldn’t take care of Mary would he. I told him I was upset because you took Mary. I didn’t have the heart to tell him of my plans.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I had the gun to my mouth and everything Kenny was saying was making it worse. Thinking how Mary would never take her first step, or how she would miss her first day of school, her first boyfriend, graduation, wedding or her own children. I hated myself even more for almost denying my baby all that. Then Kenny said something that scared me shitless. That if none of you could take her she would end up in a foster home. Like I said earlier bad shit happens to babies there, for the briefest second I saw Sam and the word ‘Promise’ across her lips.”

I saw Ray’s eyes well up and knew exactly what he was thinking. It was the same thing I thought when I saw her. The promise I made to her as she lied on the street dying. Ray was there he saw the pleading in her dying eyes.

“On New Years Eve I made one resolution and hung it on the refrigerator as the ball was dropping. It said ‘Keep Promise to Sam’. It still hangs on my refrigerator as a constant reminder.

Frank shook his head and said what I guess was the only thing to describe what I just said, “Whoaa!!”

Gerard ran his hand through his graying hair, “So that didn’t make us feel any better.”

“Fuck Bob, why didn’t you tell us?” said Mikey.

“You were all going through your own shit at the time.”

Ray turned to me, “Yeah we were but shit Bob, if we had known everything just might have been different. I know I really feel like shit for not being there for you.”

“We all do,” said Gerard. Mikey and Frank shook their heads in agreement.

“I’m the one who’s the monster.”

“How do you know that? Just because you had a plan doesn’t mean you would have done it,” said Frank.

“Bob what matters is that in the end you turned it around and brought up a beautiful young lady,” said Mikey.

“We’re sad it was without us,” said Gerard.

“That’s not entirely true. Her level headedness is from Ray, her sense of fun and consciousness comes from Frank, any words of wisdom I gave her I got from Mikey and her inner strength comes from you Gerard. I couldn’t have done it without you guys.”

“Are we all good?” asked Mikey.

I shook my head yes. And for the first time in eighteen years, I knew I was going to be okay.

“No,” yelled Frank.

“Frank I’m sorry I yelled at you. Aren’t you still my little buddy?”

“Not like that. We need to get you to a hairdresser and dye your hair back.”

“I’ve had this color for over seventeen years.”

“Over seventeen years too long if you ask me.’

“I suppose the rest of you agree with him.”

They just smiled at me.

“Let me just call Mary first.”

I grabbed my sidekick and called Mary. Again there was no answer.

“Hey princess, I’m really sorry about earlier and I really hope to see you at two. I want to tell you everything. I love you.”

Maybe Frank was right. Just because I planned it doesn’t mean I would have gone through with it.