Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Soul Purpose

If Only I Could Take Off My Skin

by asherschick 4 reviews

Hee, I almost forgot to write the summary again. How to summarize? Yeah: Performance, yadda yadda...

Category: My Chemical Romance - Rating: R - Genres: Drama,Humor,Romance - Characters: Bob Bryar,Frank Iero,Gerard Way,Mikey Way,Ray Toro - Published: 2008-04-26 - Updated: 2008-04-26 - 3230 words

24. If Only I Could Take Off My Skin

A loud hum, the sound of the wind blowing, resonates through the giant speakers.

It is purely chance that her hair is flying around in open air, riding the blow of the wind greedily.

“The wind blows harder
and harder still,
makes my eyes water…”

She sings, leaning into the mic.

The microphone is placed steadily on its stand a couple steps in front of her. Right now, the closest thing to her body is her guitar: Lifeless as it hangs down from her shoulder with the strap across her torso. It almost looks like she is afraid to touch it with her hands, but she has picked it up especially for this song.

Her hands shoot up to tuck the rebellious locks behind her ears as she continues to sing quietly.

“My hair laps at my face
I can taste it.
Yet still I walk
avoiding leaves
as they fall gracefully from trees
I am so scared to fall
from grace”

The fingers of her right hand roar back to life as they clutch the pick tight and start slamming on the strings suddenly. There have been times she broke several poor guitar picks during this violent slamming process. She doesn’t care much about that, anymore.

Matt’s drums start beating like a heart with her every stroke. Along with the low moan of Devon’s bass, they start pounding the melody into the heads of every single person in the venue.

“Sometimes I can’t help but wonder
wouldn’t it be nice
if I could take off my skin
I’d really like to be
able to do that
and only then you’d be
able to see if
I’m pretty on the

Suddenly, Zack starts to play a completely different melody – it’s surreal. Yet, in some weird twisted sort of way, the song is still in harmony. Chris switches between chord progressions, one moment accompanying Defne’s voice and her guitar, the other moment playing along with Zack like he always does. It is weird.

But everything falls back into place once the chorus kicks in.

“Brushes of fingertips -” Defne’s voice rings out in open air, as she stretches her neck to be able to provide the smooth perfection of the sound

“- soft!” Zack screams.

“and the meeting of lips -”

“- hot!”

"All I want is peace -”

“- yeah!”

“would be enough just a tiny piece -”

“- please!”

The lead guitarist drew out the last scream into a brutal sound of wrath and pain as Defne started banging her head violently to the beat of the drums.

Gerard watched, awestruck, from the side of the stage, careful not to be visible to the audience. He couldn’t believe his ears because what he was hearing was pure genius. So different and yet so not disturbing… He wondered where the hell he had been before when they had performed this song. How could he not have noticed this before?

And Defne. She looked ethereal – as much ethereal as she could look, dressed in black and a deep burgundy. As she thrashed, spun and turned around sharply, her black skirts and dark hair shadowed her movements perfectly. The milky expanse of her neck and shoulders hit his eyes every time she threw her head back to sing. Those round pale breasts rose up with every breath she drew in, he wanted to reach out and touch them. She was so graceful in her motions, in her singing… And with that beautiful Les Paul strapped to her body, with the sounds she emitted from the instrument, it was almost physical pain for him to keep himself away from her.

“Naked now, I am
more transparent than I have
ever been
exposed for the
world to see
yet no one knows
where to look”

She sang quietly, once again.

“Why not?” she tore her throat suddenly.

“No!” Zack yelled like they do in the movies to stop someone from doing something bad.

“Why me?” she asked again.


“Brushes of fingertips -”

“- soft!”

“and the meeting of lips -”

“- hot!”

"All I want is peace -”

“- yeah!”

“would be enough just a tiny piece -”

“- please!”

She finished playing her part and grabbed the strap of her guitar, taking it off her neck. She was standing in front of the microphone as she pressed the neck of the guitar under her chin.

“So I can
well, now, I can”
she murmur-sang into the mic.

“I just need to hold it tighter
to my brains”

She dragged the guitar up and pressed the neck to her temple this time.

“and my hand won’t quiver
as I pull the trigger.
I won’t be here.”

The song ended with the wild cry of Zack and Chris’s guitars. Then an amplified thud reverberated in the venue, again coming from the speakers: The empty thud of a dead body hitting the floor.

The crowd went wild.

“That was insane!” Mikey cried as they walked into the dressing room.

Devon chuckled. “Hell yeah, it was!”

“Wow, what was that? The audience went totally nuts!” exclaimed Frank with an expression of awe written over his face.

“That was the crazy sociopath inside this girl” said Zack, grinning and wrapping an arm around Defne’s shoulder.

She looked up at him and rolled her eyes. “Sociopath? You’re talking like I mimicked shooting you guys on stage. I shot myself. That’s just suicide.”

“Yeah, and that is so normal.” muttered Matt, slumping down on the couch behind them.

The singer turned around and gave him the finger, giggling maniacally. The drummer mirrored her action with an amused expression on his face.

She turned back around to find Ray and Zack suddenly deep in conversation about the addition of the third guitar to the song.

“It was amazing!” Ray was saying excitedly, his fro bouncing with joy.

“Thanks. It was actually Defne’s idea. She said she wanted to play guitar and well -”

“But the music, the melodies, we owe to this head you see under all that yellow hair.” the singer chimed in, yanking on a few strands of her friend’s hair and grinning from ear to ear, the rush of the stage still riding her. “Cause we all lack the musical ability and foresight to be able to come up with beautiful pieces like that.”

The blonde guitarist blushed and scratched the back of his neck shyly.

And then Frank materialized next to the bunch of guitarists and they all dived into a heated chat about riffs and solos.

Defne lost her interest in the subject shortly and her eyes wandered around the room, searching for much needed water. She spotted a couple bottles on a coffee table nearby and moved to grab one.

A hand brushed hers as she picked up the water bottle. It was Gerard, who was currently claiming the other bottle for himself. She raised her eyes to meet his and sighed as she took him in. His jeans were black and tight, needless to say, his thighs deserved much attention looking like that. There was a sheriff badge on the left side of his chest, pinned to his zipped up black leather jacket. And his hair was sticking up in nearly every direction, yet still looking baby soft and begging to be stroked.

He smiled at her sweetly, showing his sparkly tiny teeth. She responded with a big smile that stretched her whole face. Adrenaline still hadn’t left her system and the world was still too bright and colorful for her. So was Gerard.

So as he winked at her and moved across the room towards the corridor that led to the restrooms, she followed him without a second thought. She noticed Devon, Chris and Bob laughing madly at who-knows-what on the way, but just brushed it off quickly. Her belly convulsed with anticipation as she entered the dimly lit narrow corridor.

She came to a halt when she was met with a pair of glowing hazel eyes and a barely visible hint of a smirk.

The adoration and affection in those eyes were so evident that her insides started to frolic with unsuppressed joy.

“That was… that was enthralling.” Gerard gasped finally.

She licked her lips and felt the blood rush to her cheeks. “Really?”

He nodded, exhilarated, and grabbed her waist with both hands to draw her close against his body. “You were – amazing!”

“Thank you.” she said as her gaze fixated itself on his thin pink lips. They were so very pretty…

She lunged forward to merge their lips together in a breathless kiss, one hand shooting up to the back of his head to keep his head down and to play with his hair as the other dropped the bottle to clutch desperately at the front of his jacket. There was a little battle of dominance as Defne resisted opening her mouth for Gerard’s teasing tongue. She rose on her tiptoes to be able to press against his lips more forcefully, wanting him to open his mouth first. But he squeezed her waist, holding her tighter against him and leaned forward again. Her spine curved backwards with the force of Gerard’s lips against hers and she opened her mouth in a muffled moan as one of his hands settled on her hip. He ran his tongue against her teeth and then delved deeper in her mouth, emitting tiny gasps and silent moans from her mouth.

As they broke the kiss for much needed oxygen, Gerard held her from the waist carefully and started delivering delicate wet kisses along her neck and shoulders. She shivered and whispered soon after:


“What?” he mumbled while kissing the hollow where her ear met her neck.

“You… you ch-cheated.” she let out breathily. “Made me open my mo-mouth…”

“I didn’t.” he said, standing straight to look into her eyes.

Suddenly, planting both hands on his chest she pushed him backwards forcefully until his back hit the wall.

“But you’re not the only cheater.” she murmured against his lips, grinning evilly and attacked his mouth which had opened in a tiny “o” in surprise. Defne pressed her body against his and found out that he was so very pleased with their current position. She chuckled in his mouth as his hands wandered around her body blindly. She buried hers in his hair – that had become one of her favorite things to do – and enjoyed the kiss, letting it slowly transform into a tender and delicate embrace from the hungry and passionate way it had first started.

Gerard kissed her temple and gathered her in his arms as they slowly calmed down from their respective highs.

“I’ve gotta go.” he blew softly in her ear.

“Mmm… I know.”

“Can we pick up from where we left when the show’s over?” he asked hopefully.

She laughed out loud.

“Yeah.” she said, nodding. “Definitely”

So, stealing one last kiss, Gerard made his way back to the dressing room and then from there to the stage.

Of course there was no way he could act not-mad during the show, after such an encounter:

His moans echoed around the venue all night.


Defne stood leaning against the wall next to the hallway that led to the stage. Beside her Chris and Zack were answering an interviewer’s questions about the night’s show.

“Was it hard switching between different chord progressions?”

Chris yanked a lock of light brown hair on the side of his head before answering.

“Umm, it gets kinda confusing really. But we’d been practicing playing the song like that for some time so I just got used to it, I guess.”

The interviewer turned to direct her.

“And the scene at the end… was really intense. Was it a spontaneous action or were you planning to do it?”

“Ummm, I actually had the image in my head for a while but I wasn’t sure if I should do such a thing. But out there, I was so pumped with excitement that I just decided to go for it suddenly…”

The interviewer seemed to study her for a moment before deciding to ask the question he was dying to ask in the first place.

“So, have you ever considered doing the real thing?”

“The real thing?” she asked frowning.

“Yes – committing suicide.”

She blinked at him several times before coming up with the words.

“Uhmmm. No. I mean, not seriously. I guess we all sometimes think about it. Think how easy it would be to just jump off of the hotel balcony or something. To just be able to escape from it all… But then you’d be gone. And there’d be nothing else to do. No you to do anything. So, I uhh, I’ve never thought about actually killing myself seriously enough to go through with it.”

“Defne doesn’t take anyone’s shit. Not even mine – and I consider myself her best friend.” Zack chimed in, grinning. “And certainly not her own. That’s why I believe she’d never commit suicide.”

“Oh -” started the interviewer but the lead guitarist cut him once more.

“But try asking her about homicide. Now, that is a whole different story...” he said shaking his head from side to side slowly.

“Zack!” she yelled. “People are gonna think I’m a murderer or something!”

He rolled his eyes and turned to stare at the camera intently. “She is not a murderer.” he said trying not to crack a grin.

She punched him in the side. He whined.

“Shut up!” she said.

The interviewer laughed. “Wow, is she always like this?” he asked.

Devon nodded grimly. “No one knows what she’s putting us through…”

Defne folded her arms over her chest defensively. “And what exactly am I putting you through?”

“Well, you’re usually the dominant one among the guys.” said Gerard, who had suddenly appeared at her side. His cheeks were still slightly flushed because of all the dancing and jumping around he did on stage along with the hot shower he took right after.

“Oh, good!” exclaimed the interviewer. “We’ve got an objective perspective here. Does she really suppress these poor guys, Gerard?”

Gerard wrapped an arm around her waist unconsciously to lean into the microphone. He grinned impishly. “Yes, she does!” he chirped.

“No, I don’t.” she insisted, nearly stomping her foot on the floor.

Gerard chuckled.

“Let’s be fair - It’s not her fault.” he said. “She’s just such a strong woman. She can’t change that. And, you know, it comes in handy living in the bus. She ends fights by dominating each and every one of us.”

“How does she do that?”

“Well, she scolds us. Or takes away the things we fight over: Controllers, cereal, coffee…”

Defne grinned smugly.

“Yeah. Don’t pay attention to all this whining they’re doing. They all love me like this anyway…” she said into the camera.

Gerard laughed and gave her a little squeeze.


Unfortunately, Gerard and Defne were not able to resume their early make out session. They had desperately tried to run away from the guys to no luck.

It had turned out that none of them had a room for only themselves. Defne was rooming with Devon, and Gerard with Frank. Smooching in the hotel hallways was out of question. It was disappointing, really.

And Defne couldn’t sleep. So that was why she sat on her bed all cozy with her lap top, checking her mail, having just finished an exciting Call of Duty 4 – Modern Warfare marathon with her roommate.

She saw that she had a mail from Seren and quickly clicked on in to read.

Yayy FREEDOM!!! At last, Defne, I’m free! And you know what? Turns out my PhD applications were pretty good, hehee, I’m coming up there soon!

I’m having trouble choosing between universities :P Yeah, I know, I’m disturbing. Whatever, I’m gonna come and see the places first. And I missed you so much. Sooo, tell me where I need to be next week and I’ll just materialize there using my super-cool psychic powers xD

God, I can’t wait to see you. On stage. HAHA.

Bye for now!


P.S. Cool MySpace you guy’s have got. Yeah. I checked =)

Defne quickly typed a response.

At long last.

I’m grinning like an idiot right now, my mouth is so stretched it almost hurts. You’re coming here to see me – not really, but I’d like to think of it that way :P

I missed you so much, too. Just be quick to transport yourself over here. Hehe, if only you could appear in the middle of the stage during the show… wow, now that would’ve been amazing!

I attached the show dates and places. Surprise me!!!

Love ya,


Seeing the silly grin on her face as she clicked the send button, Devon asked:

“What’re you reading there? Slash?”

“Yeah-huh. Hot stuff.” she responded.

“Lemme see.”

He came and peered over her shoulder, then sighed in disappointment.

“You’re evil.” he whined.


Then he noticed the e-mail address on the screen.

“Oh, was that Seren? How is she?” he asked with sudden interest.

“Yeah. She’s great. She’s coming to visit. I just sent her the places we’re gonna be next week!”

“That’s great!” he let out in excitement.

“Yeah.” Defne muttered, giving him a weird sideways look. She didn’t understand why he was so worked up over her best friend coming to visit.

Noticing the suspicious look on her face, Devon quickly got up and moved to his own bed. He yawned loudly and turned off his bedside lamp.

“I’m so very happy for ya.” he muttered, fake-sleepily. “G’night.”

Defne shrugged and shut down her lap top.


She saw the weirdest dreams that night. One second Gerard was kissing her passionately and then she was on stage and Seren was popping out of thin air in the middle of their performance. And Devon was abandoning his bass to give Seren a single turquoise rose. When her Les Paul started shooting bullets all over the place, she woke up.

Weird dream. Really.

She snuggled back into the covers, wishing Gerard could be there with her.

The image of his face was the last thing on her mind before she drifted into sleep one more time.

A/N: Here’s another chapter. I had a lot of fun while writing this, I don’t know why. The lyrics are completely random, I don’t know where I came up with them xD

Poor Defne and Gerard, huh? They can’t get away from people, hehhe :P

I’m afraid you guys might have to wait a little bit longer for the next chapter. Exams are gonna start raining on me once more :[

Whatever, I love reviews and of course ratings too. So please… Ehe, you all know what to do, right?

xoxo < 333333
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