Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Guilt is the worst feeling. (previoulsy my 1st fic - the unnamed etc)

Chapter 10 – Depression comes in quick succession

by nicaluvsfobpatdnmcr 2 reviews

Ryan is getting worse and he cant stop what he is feeling.

Category: Panic! At The Disco - Rating: G - Genres:  - Published: 2008-05-03 - Updated: 2008-05-03 - 541 words

Chapter 10 – Depression comes in quick succession

It was still dark when Ryan looked at the luminous numbers of the alarm clock. 5:21 AM. He knew he’d been there, sitting on the floor for almost a whole day, but realised he didn’t care. He didn’t care that his stomach was nearly screaming for food, his mouth dry, his legs numb, from being in the same position for too long. All he cared for was Brendon. His best friend, that didn’t want him around anymore. The one who saved his life but now wishes he didn’t.

Ryan somehow found the strength to get up and went into the adjoining bathroom. Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he stopped and peered at his reflection. The face looking back was not one he recognised. The eyes were sunken, with dark circles from sleep deprivation. The hair was greasy and unkempt and the clothes were crumpled beyond belief. Opening the cupboard, he rummaged and soon found what he was looking for. He picked up the razor blade and held it to the light. It glinted, still shiny, after years of hiding at the back of the cupboard.
The last time Ryan had used the blade was before he had met Brendon. It was a regular occurrence, yet when Brendon came into his life, it had all stopped. The pain of being alone, it disappeared. Brendon had saved his life more than once. Now he regrets both times.

Ryan bought the blade to his wrist and applied some pressure. He saw the redness of the blood, dripping from the cut, down his arm and into the sink below. He felt the pain. The physical pain that masked all the emotional pain that he was feeling. That buried the feelings of self-hate and self-pity, only to dig them back up, when the pain subsided. He cut again, the reassuring feeling back in his wrists, everywhere.
The pain left him again so he went to the bath and turned on the taps, first washing his hands and arm, then putting in the plug, watching the water rise, until it reached the top. He climbed in, fully clothed. The water was boiling but Ryan was beyond feeling. Lying back, he let his head sink under the water, only the emerge again, a few seconds later, coughing up the water that had entered his partially opened mouth.
Closing his eyes, he lay back, the water caressing his body while steadily getting colder and colder. Finally, Ryan opened his eyes to find he was shivering in the freezing water that he had forgotten he was still submerged in.

Having found that he couldn’t bring himself to get out, he huddled in the bath, hugging his legs, his head resting on his knees, trembling, but no just from the cold. He didn’t know how long he had been there, it could have been days, could have been only hours, yet still he sat, in the icy water, sinking into depression, just like he was before he met Brendon.

I'm not sure where this story’s going
Some ideas would be nice, as would some reviews
You know you want to!
Xxx Nica xxX
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