Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > We can settle this affair.
For some odd reason nights were the worst for me. I used to love the darkness and the silence after a busy day cause it helped me sort everything in my head and there was a lot to sort. My mind was like a big junkyard, crowded with things that made me sick.
I was restless by day but at least going through the motions of the ugly routine distracted me, at night I was left alone with the demons in my head, and the silence pressed against my temples like a thick fog and every night felt like it would be my last night. Gerard laughed at me saying that you can't die out of over thinking but he just didn't know it felt.
You know that feeling when there's so much inside you wanted to scream with agony? Scream forever until the pressure unwinds and you could take a breath and pass out? That's how I felt every night and nothing took it away, not the pills, not the alcohol and not even sex.
Our parents finally got back but that didn't really stop me, I would sneak late at night over to his place and spend a large portion of it there or he would come by and threw a little rock at my window to let me know he's there even though I told him I know when he's coming 'so stop fucking throwing rocks at my window', we'd go for a walk and maybe talk a little. It helped a bit but not always and the moment I stayed alone the thoughts came creeping back.
Things at home went back to normal and it winded me even more up, I had big fights with my mother over everything, no matter how much she tried to avoid them. I'd have a go at her over every little fucking thing. I made sure life at home was hell for her, dad tried to talk to me and yell at me and punish me but he grew tired of the constant scenes that got him no where so he left me alone, cutting back my cash flow.
I avoided Alex everytime he called and he called a lot recently, probably making sure I didn't tell his secret. I couldn't face him, the fact that he was gay didn't bother me as much, mostly cause I wasn't really sure what that meant but just the fact that he hid it killed me inside.
School was even worse, I was the most hated girl there, I fought with people over one wrong glance I thought they gave me, it even got physical at one point.
I know I shouldn't but I was so tired and worn out. I was irritated with everyone and everything and miserable. My grades were awful and the only person who talked to me in my class was Mikey even though he had his share of bad mouthing from me.
"Fuck," I slammed my locker shut, "Fuckity fucking fuck!"
"You should consider being a sailor," Ray leaned on what used to be Frankie's locker but now belonged to some kiddie whore.
I smiled through my anger, Ray had that effect on me, "I fucking ran out of cigarettes"
"You want me to buy you some?," he asked affectionately.
"You bought me some last week," I giggled, "And the week before and a week before that"
"I don't mind," he shrugged, scanning my face with concern.
"You're so sweet to me," my eyes almost prickled with tears. Almost, "But what I really need is money"
My dad knew how to get me, I ran out of everything, from cigarettes to make up and he said he won't buy me shit till I start respecting my mother and telling him that it would never happen got me no where.
"I could give you some," Ray to the rescue again.
"Oh Ray," I gushed, "You're so great"
Honestly I was a little frustrated with Ray, he was my boyfriend without officially being one. He carried my books to my classes, bought me food and coffee, we spent hours on the phone and it was everything I imagined having a boyfriend would be except that he never asked me out, not even for a stinking movie and I suspected that somehow it was Gerard's fault. How or why I didn't know but I was sure of it, I didn't dare to ask though, just anxiously waiting for something to give.
"Just as a loan," he offered, feeling his pockets for money, "You can pay me back anytime"
"That's really nice and everything but I think I should get a job," I stopped him from his frantic search.
"A job?," he scrunched his nose, thinking, "I dunno wher- hey you can babysit my cousins! they had a few problems with their usual sitter and she quit"
"Seriously?!," I exclaimed happily, immediately imagining myself swimming in a pool of gold, "Awesome"
"I can recommend you," he said, "Do you have any experience with kids?"
I was a little taken aback, "No...But I have plenty of experience with dogs"
"Dogs?," he chuckled, "I don't know"
"Oh come on," I swatted his arm a little, still the image of me swimming in a pool of gold in my head, "They're basically the same. Their entire life evolves around eating, drinking, crapping and toys!"
He still looked doubtful, "I promise I'm good with this shit! I'm practically a kid myself as you tend to point out so frequently!"
He ignored the little bitter remark, "I dunno. Just don't tell your little theory about kids and dogs to my aunt cause she'll freak"
"Done deal!," I bounced a little, gripping his forearm with excitement.
"And promise not to be a stubborn ass and in case of any doubt to call me," he closed on my hands with his left one.
"I fucking swear!"
"And please don't fucking cuss so much"
"I fucking promise," I clapped my palms over my mouth and giggled, "I'll even practice on that"
"Good then come over tonight at 8 PM to this address," he took one of my hands and scribbled the address down on my palm with a blue sharpie.
"Hey it's across the road from my house," I was ready to faint with giddiness. Finally something was going my way.
"I gotta go," he glanced at his watch, "Good luck"
I nodded and almost skipped to my own class even though it was History class and Gerard was there, sitting in Frankie's place. He sat there no matter how many times I told him no to, that it was Frankie's place. You can't get your point across without using violence with Gerard, "That's Frankie's place," I said lightly.
"Someone's in good mood," he smiled at me.
"I got a fu-fawesome job," I whispered happily, determined to keep my word to Ray.
"Fawesome?," he laughed out.
"Yeah you got a freaking problem with fawesome?," I raised my eyebrows threateningly.
"Um no?," he watched me with amusement as I took my History book out of my bag, "So what's this fawesome job?"
"Babysitting"
"Babysitting?"
"Babysitting," I confirmed.
"Babysitting?"
"Are we growing deaf or just dumb?"
"You couldn't even babysit Mikey's goldfish," he shook his head and picked up his pencil to start doodling something in his open notebook.
I rolled my eyes, "For the millionth time, I didn't know fish don't need to be taken out for a walk!"
"Sure"
"I didn't," I had the reputation of a goldfish killer ever since Mikey left that stupid goldfish Gerard won him at a local carnival with me while they visited their grandma in the city and I took it out for a walk. Leash included but not the the damn fish bowl, I didn't even know how I hooked him up on the fucking leash. I shuddered at the thought of my 5 year old image, dragging a dead fish behind her, taped to the leash around the block, "I was fu- 5, how was I supposed to fu- know?!"
"Common fucking sense"
"I was fu- 5 I had no fu- common sense!," I whispered angrily.
"You still have fucking none at 15," he snickered joyfully.
"I do too," I pouted, "And it's not my fault the fish died, we all make mistakes"
"Just admit it," he smirked down at his notebook, making gentle strokes with his pencil, "That was a fucking revenge cause Mikey called the fish Gewad instead of Velvet like you wanted him too"
"Try and fu- prove it," I laughed.
"You have fucking blood on your hands, miss," he poked me with his sharp pencil, "It's all your fault Mikey is like that"
"Mikey is perfectly normal," I said a little bit more bitterly then I intended too.
Gerard sneered, shaking his head, "So you're coming tonight?"
"I can't, didn't you hear? I have a job now," I sat up straighter and stuck my chest out.
"But you fucking promised," he whined, dropping his pencil.
"Don't fu- whine"
"I'm not fucking whining but you promised to help me with my art project," he shifted in his chair so he was facing me.
"I know but I can't tonight"
"You've been fucking blowing me off since I don't know when, Viola," he looked me straight in the eye, his flickered with annoyance.
"I know. I know but I fu- can't"
"You never can," he crossed his arms on his chest, "You always have some excuse"
"That's not fu- true, I don't blow you off"
"You do"
"I fu- don't," I really didn't. I just preferred doing other things when he was around, and he didn't seem to (I can think swear words, right? god it feels good. Fuck fuck fuck) fucking mind last night when we experimented with the honey and ice, "Look I have no fu- money right now and you know why," I clenched my teeth a little, "I really need this gig so don't give me any bulls-"
He pouted, "When did you start to stutter anyway?"
"I don't stutter"
"You do"
"I don't fu- stutter," I rolled my eyes.
"You just did that again"
"I'm trying not to swear OK?," I snapped annoyed.
"Why?"
"Cause I'm a roll model to little kids now," I said snobbishly.
"You?," he laughed, holding his stomach "Ms. fuck them all. Drink it all. Pop till you drop? A roll model?"
"Laugh all you want but we'll see who will laugh when I'll be swimming in a gold pool"
"Gold pool?," Gerard looked up at me wide eyed, "I want to fucking live in your tiny head where it's all cloudy and Santa exists and pot comes for free"
"Fu- please stop talking," I said Sweetly.
"Oh just say it," he rolled his eyes, "Your precious Ray isn't around"
"No," I was determined not to let Ray down.
"I know you want to," he sang out, taunting me, "Say it. Fuck, fucking, asshole, dummass and even," he gasped dramatically, whispering, "Motherfucker!"
"Stop," I swatted his arm, laughing, "I'm trying to be responsible"
"Well you wasn't responsible about my project," he muttered under his breath.
"For fu- sake stop bitching!," I sighed, "Come over at nine and I'll help you".
He gave me a smile and resumed scribbling in his notebook while I thought about my piles of money.
I was restless by day but at least going through the motions of the ugly routine distracted me, at night I was left alone with the demons in my head, and the silence pressed against my temples like a thick fog and every night felt like it would be my last night. Gerard laughed at me saying that you can't die out of over thinking but he just didn't know it felt.
You know that feeling when there's so much inside you wanted to scream with agony? Scream forever until the pressure unwinds and you could take a breath and pass out? That's how I felt every night and nothing took it away, not the pills, not the alcohol and not even sex.
Our parents finally got back but that didn't really stop me, I would sneak late at night over to his place and spend a large portion of it there or he would come by and threw a little rock at my window to let me know he's there even though I told him I know when he's coming 'so stop fucking throwing rocks at my window', we'd go for a walk and maybe talk a little. It helped a bit but not always and the moment I stayed alone the thoughts came creeping back.
Things at home went back to normal and it winded me even more up, I had big fights with my mother over everything, no matter how much she tried to avoid them. I'd have a go at her over every little fucking thing. I made sure life at home was hell for her, dad tried to talk to me and yell at me and punish me but he grew tired of the constant scenes that got him no where so he left me alone, cutting back my cash flow.
I avoided Alex everytime he called and he called a lot recently, probably making sure I didn't tell his secret. I couldn't face him, the fact that he was gay didn't bother me as much, mostly cause I wasn't really sure what that meant but just the fact that he hid it killed me inside.
School was even worse, I was the most hated girl there, I fought with people over one wrong glance I thought they gave me, it even got physical at one point.
I know I shouldn't but I was so tired and worn out. I was irritated with everyone and everything and miserable. My grades were awful and the only person who talked to me in my class was Mikey even though he had his share of bad mouthing from me.
"Fuck," I slammed my locker shut, "Fuckity fucking fuck!"
"You should consider being a sailor," Ray leaned on what used to be Frankie's locker but now belonged to some kiddie whore.
I smiled through my anger, Ray had that effect on me, "I fucking ran out of cigarettes"
"You want me to buy you some?," he asked affectionately.
"You bought me some last week," I giggled, "And the week before and a week before that"
"I don't mind," he shrugged, scanning my face with concern.
"You're so sweet to me," my eyes almost prickled with tears. Almost, "But what I really need is money"
My dad knew how to get me, I ran out of everything, from cigarettes to make up and he said he won't buy me shit till I start respecting my mother and telling him that it would never happen got me no where.
"I could give you some," Ray to the rescue again.
"Oh Ray," I gushed, "You're so great"
Honestly I was a little frustrated with Ray, he was my boyfriend without officially being one. He carried my books to my classes, bought me food and coffee, we spent hours on the phone and it was everything I imagined having a boyfriend would be except that he never asked me out, not even for a stinking movie and I suspected that somehow it was Gerard's fault. How or why I didn't know but I was sure of it, I didn't dare to ask though, just anxiously waiting for something to give.
"Just as a loan," he offered, feeling his pockets for money, "You can pay me back anytime"
"That's really nice and everything but I think I should get a job," I stopped him from his frantic search.
"A job?," he scrunched his nose, thinking, "I dunno wher- hey you can babysit my cousins! they had a few problems with their usual sitter and she quit"
"Seriously?!," I exclaimed happily, immediately imagining myself swimming in a pool of gold, "Awesome"
"I can recommend you," he said, "Do you have any experience with kids?"
I was a little taken aback, "No...But I have plenty of experience with dogs"
"Dogs?," he chuckled, "I don't know"
"Oh come on," I swatted his arm a little, still the image of me swimming in a pool of gold in my head, "They're basically the same. Their entire life evolves around eating, drinking, crapping and toys!"
He still looked doubtful, "I promise I'm good with this shit! I'm practically a kid myself as you tend to point out so frequently!"
He ignored the little bitter remark, "I dunno. Just don't tell your little theory about kids and dogs to my aunt cause she'll freak"
"Done deal!," I bounced a little, gripping his forearm with excitement.
"And promise not to be a stubborn ass and in case of any doubt to call me," he closed on my hands with his left one.
"I fucking swear!"
"And please don't fucking cuss so much"
"I fucking promise," I clapped my palms over my mouth and giggled, "I'll even practice on that"
"Good then come over tonight at 8 PM to this address," he took one of my hands and scribbled the address down on my palm with a blue sharpie.
"Hey it's across the road from my house," I was ready to faint with giddiness. Finally something was going my way.
"I gotta go," he glanced at his watch, "Good luck"
I nodded and almost skipped to my own class even though it was History class and Gerard was there, sitting in Frankie's place. He sat there no matter how many times I told him no to, that it was Frankie's place. You can't get your point across without using violence with Gerard, "That's Frankie's place," I said lightly.
"Someone's in good mood," he smiled at me.
"I got a fu-fawesome job," I whispered happily, determined to keep my word to Ray.
"Fawesome?," he laughed out.
"Yeah you got a freaking problem with fawesome?," I raised my eyebrows threateningly.
"Um no?," he watched me with amusement as I took my History book out of my bag, "So what's this fawesome job?"
"Babysitting"
"Babysitting?"
"Babysitting," I confirmed.
"Babysitting?"
"Are we growing deaf or just dumb?"
"You couldn't even babysit Mikey's goldfish," he shook his head and picked up his pencil to start doodling something in his open notebook.
I rolled my eyes, "For the millionth time, I didn't know fish don't need to be taken out for a walk!"
"Sure"
"I didn't," I had the reputation of a goldfish killer ever since Mikey left that stupid goldfish Gerard won him at a local carnival with me while they visited their grandma in the city and I took it out for a walk. Leash included but not the the damn fish bowl, I didn't even know how I hooked him up on the fucking leash. I shuddered at the thought of my 5 year old image, dragging a dead fish behind her, taped to the leash around the block, "I was fu- 5, how was I supposed to fu- know?!"
"Common fucking sense"
"I was fu- 5 I had no fu- common sense!," I whispered angrily.
"You still have fucking none at 15," he snickered joyfully.
"I do too," I pouted, "And it's not my fault the fish died, we all make mistakes"
"Just admit it," he smirked down at his notebook, making gentle strokes with his pencil, "That was a fucking revenge cause Mikey called the fish Gewad instead of Velvet like you wanted him too"
"Try and fu- prove it," I laughed.
"You have fucking blood on your hands, miss," he poked me with his sharp pencil, "It's all your fault Mikey is like that"
"Mikey is perfectly normal," I said a little bit more bitterly then I intended too.
Gerard sneered, shaking his head, "So you're coming tonight?"
"I can't, didn't you hear? I have a job now," I sat up straighter and stuck my chest out.
"But you fucking promised," he whined, dropping his pencil.
"Don't fu- whine"
"I'm not fucking whining but you promised to help me with my art project," he shifted in his chair so he was facing me.
"I know but I can't tonight"
"You've been fucking blowing me off since I don't know when, Viola," he looked me straight in the eye, his flickered with annoyance.
"I know. I know but I fu- can't"
"You never can," he crossed his arms on his chest, "You always have some excuse"
"That's not fu- true, I don't blow you off"
"You do"
"I fu- don't," I really didn't. I just preferred doing other things when he was around, and he didn't seem to (I can think swear words, right? god it feels good. Fuck fuck fuck) fucking mind last night when we experimented with the honey and ice, "Look I have no fu- money right now and you know why," I clenched my teeth a little, "I really need this gig so don't give me any bulls-"
He pouted, "When did you start to stutter anyway?"
"I don't stutter"
"You do"
"I don't fu- stutter," I rolled my eyes.
"You just did that again"
"I'm trying not to swear OK?," I snapped annoyed.
"Why?"
"Cause I'm a roll model to little kids now," I said snobbishly.
"You?," he laughed, holding his stomach "Ms. fuck them all. Drink it all. Pop till you drop? A roll model?"
"Laugh all you want but we'll see who will laugh when I'll be swimming in a gold pool"
"Gold pool?," Gerard looked up at me wide eyed, "I want to fucking live in your tiny head where it's all cloudy and Santa exists and pot comes for free"
"Fu- please stop talking," I said Sweetly.
"Oh just say it," he rolled his eyes, "Your precious Ray isn't around"
"No," I was determined not to let Ray down.
"I know you want to," he sang out, taunting me, "Say it. Fuck, fucking, asshole, dummass and even," he gasped dramatically, whispering, "Motherfucker!"
"Stop," I swatted his arm, laughing, "I'm trying to be responsible"
"Well you wasn't responsible about my project," he muttered under his breath.
"For fu- sake stop bitching!," I sighed, "Come over at nine and I'll help you".
He gave me a smile and resumed scribbling in his notebook while I thought about my piles of money.
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