FicWad

I never expected what we had to be perfect. I never was one for happy endings. I never thought of love as something pure and true. I thought of passion and impulses. I never thought about you. I never thought that what we had could ever mean something. Not until I looked into your eyes. Not until I saw the tears that threatened to drown not only us but the entire world.

I knew what we had was special. I knew that we were good. We were great. We were two people having a good time and throwing love back into everyone’s faces because, yes, in our own way we were in love. It was just less conventional. More physical. I thought you understood that we could never exist in any other way.

I looked at you and I saw beauty. I looked at you and saw what God meant us to be. I looked at you and saw perfection. I looked at you and saw the tears streaming from your eyes and I ran and I will never forgive myself for that. I will never forgive myself for what I did to you. I don’t expect you to forgive me either.

Like I said we had a physical relationship. We were basically best friends who fucked. We made love. In our own messed up way. We had good times. We loved each other, we weren’t in love but we loved each other. I wasn’t in love with you. I tried to stop you falling in love with me.

I’d introduce you to so many girls. I’d flaunt them in front of you. Trying to make you hate me. Because I couldn’t give you up but I could tell it was getting harder and harder for you to keep your distance. I didn’t want to hurt you when we finally fell apart. I wanted you to hate me and to meet some guy in a bar while you were still feeling bitter towards me and then you’d get with him and leave me and I’d be Ok with that. I honestly thought that would be how everything turned out. It was how I wanted things to turn out.

Things were never supposed to be like this. Things were never supposed to get so serious so suddenly. Things were never supposed to crash down between us, knocking us both to the side. A baby. That was never supposed to happen. Never. Me as a Dad? I can barely look after myself and look at me, the kind of relationship I was in, the way I would treat you, I was hardly Dad material was I?

I ran. I ran from you. I ran from the baby, from the responsibility. I ran from the impending decisions that had to be made. I ran from every thing. I did what I do best, ran and buried my head in the sand like a fucking ostrich or whatever that saying is. I just can’t be chained down. I need to be free, I need to run, I can’t stay in one place long enough to sit down let alone raise a child.

I left you and you cried. You cried and cried and cried and I am so sorry. You wouldn’t believe how sorry I was even though I’d gotten my way. I’d gotten my unpredictable unhappy ending. I wasn’t happy though, as an unhappy ending would suggest. I was anything but happy. I was guilty for making you cry. I was guilty for leaving you and the baby which I learnt third hand you were keeping. I was guilty for staying with you long enough for this to happen. I should have left a long time ago. I didn’t come back though, I just kept running and running into the sunset.

I can’t be chained down. It’s the kind of guy that I am. I’m not making excuses for leaving you, or maybe I am, but I don’t mean to try and bullshit my way out of this. It’s true every word of this. I would be a terrible Father and I can’t stay in the same place long enough to raise a kid. I tour with a band in a bus barely big enough for the five of us and all our stuff. I’d never see you anyway. It would be more painful for you if you were still with me, watching me flirt my way around the country, only being able to speak to me on the phone, needed support but being so alone.

You’ll be happier without me anyway.