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Categories > Books > Harry Potter > The Chosen One

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• The Chosen One

  (#) kruen 2008-08-26

  Good story so far.
  
  You should probably go through it and clean it up as well as spread out how quickly everything goes.
  Also your making it to easy for Harry(Andrew) so far. Make the Goblins charge him or have to go get supplies just to make it seem it's not all falling in his lap.
  
  It would help reading if you spaced out the seperate paragraghs.
  
  It would be very interesting for me atleast if you make Andrew learn and act as a Noble he is(Not pureblood supremecy) instead of acting as a person who knows nothing that could be taken advantage of. Might want to get solicitors?sp? on retainer as well as the goblins to keep people from harming the Potter family.
  
  Just some suggestions if you use them or they help you great if not all well. Hope you continue since it seems most of these type of stories become abandond.

  Author's response

  I'm dilbrately making things easy for Andrew to give him a false sense of security that everything is going to be perfect. He's going to hit some "bumps" shortly.
  
  As for Andrew getting lessons on how to act like a Noble, I'm sure there's a book around that could help him.

• The Chosen One

  (#) kruen 2008-08-26

  Already wrote one checking to see if this one works.

• The Chosen One

  (#) Wolfric 2008-08-26

  I am enjoying the story, I do recognize the similarity to Nia River's story. Dumbledore or Andrew should do a follow up article exposing Voldemort as a half blood, that might cut into Voldemort's support base a little. I would suspect if Andrew were to try to enroll Harry in a public school that his custody would be questioned. Thanks for writing. W.

  Author's response

  I haven't thought of exposing Voldemort as a half blood. Thanks for the suggestion.
  
  As for Harry going to school. You'll see.

• The Chosen One

  (#) Nila 2008-08-27

  This is great. The idea is incredible. My only suggestion is...well...have someone look over your work for you if at all possible. There were spelling and grammar mistakes that made the story confusing and disrupted the flow. Just...for example, it's not a Time Tuner but a Time Turner.
  
  Please don't be offended. I swear this isn't a flame. I just want your story to be as amazing as I can see it becoming.
  
  Please update soon.
  

• The Chosen One

  (#) DavidMPotter 2008-08-29

  Great start! Bravo... I look forward to seeing how Dumbles reacts to Vernon and Petunia's treatment of Harry. I can't imagine he will not look into their minds. I assume the spells removed from Harry and Andrew that kept them from being able to do the adoption ritual was the tracking charm. I hope Harry is taken to a healer to heal the abusive treatment at Durkasban.

• The Chosen One

  (#) DaphneGreengrass 2008-08-29

  geez..
  i'd take a manipulatve, deceitful Dumbles over an inept one anyday.. so far Dumbles is at the same level as Lockheart lol

• The Chosen One

  (#) kyzhart 2008-08-31

  Looking good so far.

• The Chosen One

  (#) jjracer24 2008-09-01

  Good start to this story. Hope you continue and update soon.

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