Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Push- Chapter 10 up

Why Can't Anyone Love Me

by lostmyfearoffalling 3 reviews

Category: My Chemical Romance - Rating: G - Genres:  - Published: 2009-03-19 - Updated: 2009-03-19 - 2497 words


An hour later, after much swearing and dropping things, and one incident that came close to burning the house down, Ray set a plate in front of me. At this point, I really didn’t care if it tasted like total shit, because I was starving. It actually did taste good, though I was a little uncomfortable sitting and eating while everyone watched. While I ate, I tried to get a handle on myself mentally, because I knew that after this, they were going to ask me questions. I was going to answer them honestly; I wasn’t preparing myself to lie. I was making sure that I wouldn’t break down when I talked to them, which I couldn’t guarantee. It had been bad enough getting beaten by my father worse than in a long time, and having Frankie watch. But when Frank left me in his bedroom, it had pushed me over the edge. I had no idea how much I could handle before I exploded.

I push my plate away after I ate half of it; Like I said, I had no idea how much I could handle. I didn’t want to throw up again.

All eyes were on me now, after Gerard says, “Ok, Evangeline. Can you explain everything now? We’re all confused, and we want to help-“

“I know.” I cut him off. I take a deep breath. “My father…hits me a lot. I think Frankie guessed that, or something similar. I don’t know if he ever told any of you….” They all shake their heads no, and I continue. “Guess not. Well, anyway, yesterday I went home, and my father was…drunk…and angry. He hit me, a lot harder than normal. And then, I don’t know how, but Frankie hit him on the head, and he passed out and then I passed out. I woke up, and I was at Frankie’s. And then….then…we…we kissed.” I feel tears, and I blink them back feverishly. “And then he left me.” I don’t want to stop there, so I keep going. “I left through his window, and followed Ray here.” I shrug.

They’re all staring at me, completely dumbstruck.
Mikey is still silent, lost somewhere, though still paying attention.

“You guys kissed?” Nicole says, sounding happy for me.

“He ran away?” Gerard says, still looking completely confused; believing me, but not wanting to.

“Yeah…” I say softly, not wanting to really discuss either of their questions.

“Why did he run?” Ray asks.

“I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!” I scream, bursting out with emotion. “WE KISSED AND HE SAID HE WAS SORRY AND HE LEFT ME IN HIS OWN GODDAMN HOUSE! I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHY HE LEFT BUT HE DIDN’T CARE ENOUGH TO COME BACK TO HELP ME, SO I CAME HERE! I’M FUCKING SORRY, ALRIGHT! I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING!” My throat is burning from screaming so loudly, as more tears pour down my cheeks. I’ve lost any control over myself. Ever since Frankie had me let it all out for the first time, it’s like I can’t hold anything in the way that I used to.

They all stare, and I feel embarrassed to be crying. After only a moment though, Nicole comes and holds me, while I bury my face in her shoulder, trying to cry softer, to maintain some level of dignity.

“It’s ok,” She whispers, rocking me back and forth. “It’s ok.”

But it hurts, because she sounds so much like Frankie did.

The boys sit awkwardly on the floor, watching us. I think it’s more of a female moment, but after a few minutes, and once my crying quiets down a little bit, Mikey finally gets up, putting a hand on my shoulder.

“We’re sorry Evangeline.” He says, moving his thumb back and forth gently.

It gives Gerard and Ray courage, I think, because they stand too.

“Yeah, we’re sorry.” Ray says, in his high voice. “It’s unfair of us to give all that shit to you, especially after all you’ve been through.

“We’re just worried,” Gerard says. “We wanna help you.”

“I know,” I tell them, brushing away my tears. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped.”

“You had a good reason to.” Nicole says, giving me a sad smile.
“Maybe.” I smile, and they all laugh quietly.

There’s another moment of silence, which Gerard breaks this time. “You’re staying here tonight, you know.”

“What?” I ask him, confused.

“You’re staying here. We’re not letting you go back to your place, and here’s the best place there is.” He smiles warmly.

“Dude, she could come with me.” Ray says openly, shrugging.

“I could take you too,” Nicole says, just as easily.

I smile at all of them, because, for the first time in my life, I feel loved. Completely loved. The fact that they would all open their arms to me without a second thought completely blows my mind.

“Thank you,” I tell them. “So much. I can’t believe you would do that.”

“That’s what we all do.” Ray says in his calm voice. “We’re practically a family, and you’re part of it now. We’d pretty much do anything for you.” The way he says it, it’s like it should be obvious. Like it’s no big deal.

“Honestly, we would. We’ve done some pretty stupid stuff for each other too.” Mikey smiles.

Gerard laughs. “Yeah! Like that time when Bob broke that window, and we had to fix it, and it took like four hours, and we stayed up till four in the morning.”

“And that time when you were doing the set thing for the school play, in like seventh grade, and you had to paint that whole wall. It took forever, and we stayed up all day, and the paint fumes made us all puke.” Mikey laughs, and they all smile, recalling the incident. But then the attention goes back to me.

“Seriously. We will do whatever it takes. You’re family now. Anything.” Ray finishes. It sounds perfect. The best speech I’d ever heard.

“You still didn’t say which one of us you were gonna stay with.” Nicole says, winking,

“I think I’ll stay here, if that’s ok…” I say, still stunned by the easy hospitality.

“Didn’t we just go over that?” Mikey says, and we all laugh.

“Yeah. I just had to double check.”

“Well, you shouldn’t. When it comes to this, we mean everything we say.” Gerard says.

In the end, we all stayed. We had a horror movie marathon, and ended up all asleep on the floor. I wake up, and find myself nearly on top of Mikey, whose soft breathing is causing his hair to blow up and down on his forehead. Ray has a pillow over his head. Gerard and Nicole are two feet away, and Nicole is completely encircled in Gerard’s arms. They’ve got a blanket, but it’s only on Nicole. I can’t help but smile, looking at all of them. My family. I love the way it sounds.

Ray wakes up about two minutes after me, launching the pillow half way across the room.

“Hey.” He says with a smile, at a completely normal volume.

“Hey.” Ray looks at Mikey for a moment, then chuckles. “Watch this,” he says. He gives Mikey a hard kick, and Mikey sits bolt upright, glasses flying off and hitting Gerard in the nose.

“I CAN’T UNDERSTAND THE ALIENS!” Mikey yells loudly, and Ray and I double over laughing.

“And that’s how you figure out what Mikey’s dreams are.” Ray says through his fits of laughter. Mikey looks around the room, groans, and flops back down.

“He does that all the time.” Mikey says grumpily.

“Because it’s funny!” Ray says.

Gerard and Nicole are awake now too, chuckling. “Mikes, it is pretty funny.” Mikey humphs, crossing his arms.

“I’m starving.” Mikey says, not able to stay mad for very long. We all look at Ray.

“Again, I make Shrimp Scampi. You guys have to be tired of that, especially not for breakfast.”

“True.” Gerard sighs. He bites his lip as he thinks. “I think we have some cake, or something.”

“Healthy.” I smile.

“Health is not really a priority.” Gerard says.
“It’s the taste that matters.” Ray says with longing.

“You’re totally gonna be fat when you’re old Ray.” Mikey says.

“Easy for you to say Mikey, you’re gonna be a stick forever.”

Mikey shrugs, getting up. “More junk food for me.”

We all follow Mikey into the kitchen, as he rifles through the messy pantry, finally coming out with a crinkled box. “BINGO!” He says, sliding the box onto the counter, waiter style. Gerard pulls out some forks and we all start eating, not even bothering to cut it.

A random thought occurs to me. “Where are your parents?”

Gerard raises an eyebrow. “Work.”

“And they’re ok with…this?” I gesture to the state of the front room, the cake.

He nods, and swallows his cake. “Yeah. It’s always been this way.”

“I like it like this.” I say, smiling, taking a huge forkful. They all laugh.

“We do too.” Nicole smiles.

It takes us a half hour to polish off the cake. Afterwards, we all look outside, to see gray skies and clouds. Trees are shaking in the wind.

“Indoor day guys.” Ray says.

“We should all change and stuff.” Nicole says. The boys nod, and I feel myself blushing. Nicole understands immediately. “I have clothes here.” She says. “You can wear mine. “ She takes my hand, pulling me quickly up the stairs, whipping around a corner. She never runs out of energy. We go to the end of the hall, passing into a room with a white door covered with drawings. Gerard’s room, of course.

The carpet is black, and the floor is covered with clothes. Nicole steps over them easily, obviously practiced. She opens the closet, bending over and tossing out some other items of clothing, to reveal a smile pile of her clothes. Mostly skinny jeans and band shirts. Of course.

“I got tired of never having any clothes here, so I brought some like, six months ago.” She hands me black skinny jeans, a white t-shirt, and an Enter Shikari jacket. I laugh, and take them. Vaguely, I wonder where we’re going to change.

“I’m really glad to have another girl around. I got annoyed being the only one who had to go change somewhere else. “ She starts taking off her pants, so I figure we’re changing in here. I lift my shirt over my head, and look at the mess of bruises underneath it. Nicole looks over, concerned.

“We probably should take a closer look at that stuff. Or take you to the doctor or something.” She looks abashed.

“It’s fine. I’m….used to it.”

We finish changing, just as lightning shatters outside. Like small children, we run to the window to watch the storm. Suddenly, we hear loud voices coming from downstairs.

“…Frankie, how could you do that to her?” I hear Gerard saying as Nicole and I make our way towards the stairs.

My heart stops for a moment when I hear Frankie say, “Just let me talk to her Gerard.”

Gerard sounds frustrated. “Fine. Frankie, I hope she yells at you.”

“I hope she does too.” Frankie says, in a sad voice.

Nicole looks at me, and whispers, “Do you still wanna go down there, or do you want to think for a minute?”

“I wanna go down.” I take a deep breath, and follow Nicole down the stairs. Gerard and Frankie both stare at us, as thunder shakes the house.

“We’ll leave you guys alone.” Nicole says, grabbing Gerard’s hand and pulling her away. Frankie and I are alone, and as I look at his face, rain begins to splash down, pattering on the pavement outside.

For a moment, we just stare at each other. I don’t know what to say.

“Aren’t you angry with me?” Frankie asks, after a moment.

“I don’t know.” I say, honestly.

“You should be. I left you in my house, when you were barely breathing. I’m sorry.”

It’s like he’s trying to make me angry with him. It’s beginning to work.

“How could you do that Frankie? When I was broken, and you saw that I was so hurt, how could you hurt me more?” It’s beginning to show, and I let it come, instead of holding back. “It’s so hard Frankie. You can’t know. I’ve always been alone; I’ve never had anyone but myself. And then you come in, making me hang on to you, but I have no way of knowing if you want me at all. And I keep telling myself you don’t, because no ever has. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t take it. Something’s gonna give, Frankie.”

I take a deep breath, and look into his eyes. “Why did you leave me there?” I feel tears, for the fourth time. I take my hand and smack it into his chest. “Why, Frankie?” I hit him again, and he just takes it. “Why, why, why? Why can’t anyone love me?” I keep hitting him, tears washing my face. Finally, I raise my hand and he pulls me into his arms.

“People can love you. I love you. When you kissed me, I was afraid you didn’t mean it, that you were so broken you just needed something. I wanted you to mean it.” I’m trembling in his arms, as he crushes me to him.

“I love you. And I’m sorry.”

I look up at him, his beautiful face, his clear eyes that show everything about him. And I see love in them.

“I love you too Frankie.” I kiss him gently on the lips, and he returns it. He strokes my face with his fingertips.

When we stop, I notice his shirt is coming up. Underneath it, I see long cuts, some of them still oozing little drops of blood. I reach to pull it up more, and he stops me.

“Frankie, let me see.” I say.

“No; it’s nothing.” He says, in a suspiciously casual tone.

“Frank.” I say, looking him in the eye. I pull the shirt up to expose all of the cuts. I shudder, and then look him in the eye.

“I said I was sorry.” He says softly.

[Ok that's twice my normal amount. Tell me what you thought! a lot happened...]
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