Categories > Books > Harry Potter > His Princess
His Princess
30 reviewswhat happens when Lily and James abandon their son because they thought he was a squib, what happens if a business associate from America, Tony Stark finds an abused Harry after a business event at...
1Original
Reviews
His Princess
(#) erik 2009-06-03
Go for it!
I thought, at first, Harry was a lot older than 11, due to your description of him. Looking forward to your version, thanks.His Princess
(#) StenStyren 2009-06-03
Ok, you are writing about an eleven year old kid, you do know that?
Eleven year old´s don´t look "intimidating" and if they try most people will laugh at them.
I don´t normaly care that characters act older then they are since i don´t want to read some fucking fluff where Harry is a happy kid but this just set me off.
Also the story was very short, you should try to get at least 3k characters in every chapter you post.Author's response
the kid is thirteen the story is still unraveling... stay tunedHis Princess
(#) RLMSBPJPP 2009-06-03
Its not much to go on, but I think you should continue. At least develop it a bit more before asking us to make a decision.
Also, your title/description could use some work... Reading the title and description together made me think of a cross-dressing Harry for some reasonHis Princess
(#) Cateagle 2009-06-03
Err, shouldn't that be a "limitless crdit line" rather than "limitless creditably". It's going to be very interesting to see how/where you distinguish this the Technomage of Clell's story. Granted, there are a lot of variables and I look forward to seeing where you set them.His Princess
(#) Warlocke 2009-06-04
You ask if you should continue? Well, considering the first chapter was less than 600 words and told us nothing, yes, you should because that's not enough to really decide anything by.
I feel it is my solemn duty to inform everyone that there is no such phrase as 'Might of'.
There just isn't. Think about it and you will see it makes no sense at all. The phrase you are looking for is 'Might have'.
Look at this bit from your story:
'You might of thought...' Remove 'might' and all you have is 'You of thought...' Does that make any sense? No.
Do the same to 'You might have thought...' and you get 'You have thought...' Now THAT makes sense!
I know what you're thinking, "But I hear people say it that way all the time!"
No, you don't. Bottom line, if you hear someone say "Might of" there are two possibilities.
1: They are a poor, unfortunate, ignorant, schmuck who is saying it wrong.
-OR-
2: They are actually saying "Might've", which is the contraction for "Might have".
So, you MIGHT'VE mistaken it for something else.
I hope everyone remembers that.His Princess
(#) Warlocke 2009-06-04
Oh! Also...
The same thing that goes for might have (might've), goes for may have, should have, could have, would have.
Or in other words... may've, should've, could've, would've.
Naturally, this also means there's no such phrase as "wouldn't of" and the like. It should be "wouldn't have", which as you might have guessed, is short for "would not have".
Linkin Park did NOT exist when Harry was four years old. So... Either you forgot that Harry was born in 1980 and that in 1984 the members of Linkin Park were probably still waiting to hit puberty -OR- you only included a mention of Linkin Park in the story because you like them enough to either ignore the timeline or actually CHANGE the entire HP timeline just so you could include them...
This is why people HATE it when authors include mentions of current bands, shows, songs, movies, foods, videogames, etc. in HP fanfiction. When they read that Harry is listening to Linkin Park, Blink182, Fall Out Boy, or any other band whose members were still filling diapers when Harry was a kid, they don't think "Harry must like that band", what they really think is "The author is a putz for using Harry to tell me what his/her favorite band is." Because they really didn't sit down to read about you, they sat down to read about Harry. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but there it is.
Don't switch from past to present tense, like in the last few sentences. It's bad.
What are the odds that the Goblet of Fire book being mentioned was actually relevant to the plot and not an attempt at humor?His Princess
(#) ShadowRyan 2009-07-19
Friggen idiot WARLOCKE this is his story and it's his way. Don't friggen like it then shove off! I like the start but needs to be alot longer and more action.His Princess
(#) pi3142 2010-05-19
ShadowRyan - it's his constructive review. Which will make the writer better and better for all of us in the long run.
Sign up to review this story.