Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > A Heart On The Mend

13. Here without you

by Firith 1 review

beware for emoness

Category: Panic! At The Disco - Rating: R - Genres:  - Published: 2009-08-20 - Updated: 2009-08-20 - 1592 words - Complete

Aiyana was nervous. She couldn’t focus more than 5 seconds in what she was doing and several times she forgot what she was supposed to write in the chart of the little baby squirming in the crib in front of her. She took a deep breath and decided to drop it for a minute, so she could get her concentration back. It worked and she finally left the clipboard back on its hanger by the crib, heading for the next baby.

The door creaked open then and for the first time in months, Aiyana didn’t feel that sudden rush of warmness that anticipated Brendon’s arrival every morning. For the first time in months, she was actually waiting for someone else to come through that door. And at seeing who she was expecting to see, Aiyana dropped the chart and nearly ran to the door.

“Faith!” She said, letting the other woman in. Faith’s face was pale and her eyes were red, with dark shades of purple around them.

“Morning…” Faith said in a raspy voice, sitting by the desk. Yana rounded the table and sat by Faith’s side.

“First of all, you look awful, you should’ve stayed home. What happened?!” Aiyana asked. Faith looked at her with a dry chuckle.

“I was working last night. I haven’t been home.” Faith rubbed her face and wiped her eyes. “It’s over. We- we broke up… or whatever that was.”

“I told you to talk to him.” Aiyana said softly.

Faith took a deep breath, probably to keep herself from crying, even when the tears were coming out anyways. “Did he tell you how he found the pics?”

Aiyana nodded. “And he’s quite upset with me for keeping it from him-”

“I meant HOW he found them… did he tell you?” Faith said with a shake of her head, already biting her lip. Aiyana looked at her confused.

“No, he didn’t. But he knows Spence and I covered for you.”

Faith nodded, the tears came out harder this time, or at least she felt like they did. “He didn’t find them, Keltie did.”

“Keltie? What-” Aiyana sighed and put an arm on Faith’s shoulder “Oh no. He’s not, is he…?”

“I don’t know! I don’t even-” Faith stopped to sigh and wipe her face. “He told me Keltie was there last night and that she- she found them on the couch…” She trailed off.

“I tried calling him back, but it seems as if he’s not talking to me, either.” Aiyana shrugged sadly, rubbing Faith’s back. “I’m really sorry this happened, I really am. He’s obviously just as hurt as you are…”

Faith shook his head. “It doesn’t matter anymore.” She sobbed softly.

“You’re wrong, Faith.” Aiyana stated, biting her lip and hugging her friend. “You still have to see each other everyday. It’ll never stop being awkward, never stop being-” She sighed. “You’re obviously in love with him. And he loves you. To have someone love you back… It’s worth trying to save in my opinion.”

“He doesn’t love me, Yana. What we had-” Faith stopped again to sigh. What was it what they had again? “You know it was never serious…”

“It it wasn’t serious neither of you would feel the way you feel right now.”

“It wasn’t! It never was… we never named it, we never committed to each other.”

“Oh, please!” Aiyana said nearly exasperated. “I KNOW the way you feel about each other. It’s not like--” Exasperated sigh. “He’s pissed off because he’s- he’s heartbroken that you kept secrets from him! Both of you should stop being stupid and talk. Really talk. And I’m not going to stop saying it until you get it through your head!”

Faith wasn’t in the mood to fight anymore, for anything really. She just sighed and dropped her head on the desk. She bit her lip hard, but that wouldn’t stop the crying, so all Aiyana could see for a moment was Faith’s spastic back as she sobbed.

“I’m sorry Faith. It’s just… I won’t say anything else.” It was heart-breaking to see Faith like this. Crying… Aiyana once thought it was impossible for Faith to cry.

“It’s okay, Yana.” Faith stood up the, reaching for the sink to get some tissues and cleaned her face. “This is- is all my fault.”

“It’s no one’s fault that it happened.” Aiyana said as comfort, but Faith knew better. This was in fact her fault.

“Thanks.” She muttered, calming herself a little. “I’ll just go home now.” She added, standing up and Aiyana nodded.

“Good, take your mind off of everything. Try and get some sleep.” She said giving her friend another comfort hug before watching her walk out.


Faith wasted most part of the morning in crying, until she finally fell asleep. By noon, her alarm woke her up and took her only one look at herself on the mirror to know she wasn’t in conditions to go to work, and yet, she wanted to go.

The reasons for wanting to go were stupid really, so adolescent… For one, she wanted to see him, wanted to see how he was, if he was a complete wreck as she was. Maybe that would make her feel better… or maybe that would make her feel worse, knowing it was her fault. Definitively seeing him now wouldn’t help her at all.

Then rationality spoke. She wasn’t in fit state to operate either. With her emotions overflowing all over the place, she could make so many mistakes that would endanger another person’s life. That, she couldn’t let it happen.

“Frankie?” She spoke softly on the phone, trying not to sound nasal, though it would help.

“Ash! Hey… You sound sick.” Frank said with a small chuckle.

“I’m not feeling too well, so I’m gonna skip work this afternoon?”

“Huh… That’s funny.” Frankie commented, rather amused.

“Why?” Faith croaked.

“Cause Ryan called in sick too.” Now the amusement was evident in Frankie’s voice. Faith, on the other hand, felt like she wanted to puke.

“Did he?”

“You didn’t know?”

“I was working yesterday, Frank. I haven’t seen him.”

“Well, call him then, you probably caught the same bug or something.” Frankie still thought everything was funny.

“Will do.” Faith lied, the last thing she wanted was to talk to Ryan. “Now, would you cover for me? I mean, if you’re free.”

“Yeah, sure.” Frankie said with a soft giggle.

“Take Beckett with you, please.”

“Got it. Just get better soon…”

“Tomorrow I’ll be fine. Thanks, Frank.”

Faith hung up and cuddled her pillow, tears welling up her eyes. Ryan called in sick, so he was feeling like shit, so bad that he couldn’t even go to work. It wasn’t a nice thought and it didn’t make her feel better. In fact it made everything worse.


Ryan had been awake more hours than he could count. Since he got home last night, the only thing he did was to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. If he fell asleep or not, he didn’t know. He knew he had cried though, once or twice the ceiling had fallen blurry due to the tears, but he couldn’t muster enough energy to stop them, not even to wipe them off his face, no matter how much they tickled.

He had called in sick cause he didn’t wanna see her. He didn’t want her to see him either. Besides, he hadn’t slept a wink and that wasn’t healthy.

His brain felt like it had melted. He was used to over-think everything and now was no exception, but never mind how many times he rolled the issue in his head, twisting and bending, trying to look for an explanation, he found none. He couldn’t understand what made Faith hide the pregnancy from him, whatever she had said.

He wanted to hate her, to blame her for everything, but he couldn’t. Somehow, everything came back to him: if he had been honest with her and told her how much he loved her maybe she wouldn’t have felt the need to lie. Maybe it was his fault too that the pregnancy had failed, maybe it was his fault she had gotten pregnant in the first place. Maybe he pushed too much, or lost track of the days, or hell knows what else.

No, he couldn’t blame her. If anything, this was his fault as much as it was hers.

Reaching that conclusion didn’t make things better, though. He was still mad for being kept in the dark and that’s what it hurt him the most. Ryan still felt like he deserved at least an apology for her silence, but he also knew he wouldn’t get any. It was a matter of pride, who would break first?

Ryan rubbed his face on the pillow, normally at this hour he’d get lunch or something to eat, but his stomach felt like a knot, so he didn’t even tried. Instead he rolled over on his bed, one fresh tear sliding down his nose as he sighed. His tired eyes closing on their own.

He finally fell asleep.
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