Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Fully Alive
Chapter 4
It feels like days since the last time I wrote you. Sorry about that. I’m just lost, and I couldn’t find my way back to the real world for a while. I’m sinking further and further down and I wonder if maybe this was a mistake. Frank has been so good to me, and I just feel like I’m letting him down. I’m trying, trying so hard but I can’t pull myself together. Maybe I need more help than I thought. I’m scared Ray. Yesterday I thought about the future. And you know what happened? I couldn’t see anything. It was cloudy and I couldn’t even see myself, what does that tell you? My body aches and the nights seem longer now, since the rain picked up. It’s all it ever does. I haven’t seen the sun in days, and I wonder if I’ll ever see it again.
My weakness, my failures, my life, my dreams, my happiness. Where have they all gone? I write you the same letters over and over and I apologize for that. You’re my only outlet though. I wish and wish to the days we meet again. Are you okay? Did you ever hear from your brother? Oh god, I miss you so much. I never had a friend like you, you know? You made me feel safe, and I regret leaving you, but I knew it was the right thing. I know you do to. Send me a message Ray, I’m always listening, especially for you. Just think about me. I’m thinking about you.
-Layla.
Layla sat the notebook down on the windowsill and put her hand to the glass window that streamed with rain as it fell down from the gray sky above. It was getting colder and Layla was too. Inside and out. She rarely talked much and hardly ate. Frank was doing his best, but he knew not push her. He had known from experiences to just let her be. She hated feeling like a imposition on him, even though he assured she wasn’t. Her heart longed for her drug and her demons continued to plague her mind. Her arms were covered in red from many scratches. Her eyes were a slight purple and he heart was empty.
Why was it so hard? She knew it was wrong, but it felt so good. It made her forget her worries and problems, yet it only destroyed her. How? She shook her head as her body craved it and it was hard now. She slammed her head on the soft bed before shutting her eyes tight and letting her mind slip to the happier times. If it only stayed that way forever….
Flashback.
“I’m gonna get you!” A young Daniel laughed as he chased a young Layla around the park and she giggled while running away from him. His hands reached out and grabbed her in his arms before falling on the ground. Layla began to squirm as he tickled her.
“Stop it!” She giggled and he held her hands down while tickling her sides.
“Say you give!” He laughed back.
“Never!” She called out.
“Fine then.” he said simply before unleashing his wrath under her underarms and she flailed her legs.
“Okay! Okay! I give! I give!” She yelled. He sat back satisfied and nodded.
“That’s right.” He mocked. She rolled her eyes before their lips met in a soft kiss. His hand went through her hair as she smiled into the kiss and they pulled back.
“You take my breath away.” He whispered.
“So do you.” She replied. He picked her up and swung her in a circle while holding her by her waist. Her blue sundress dancing with wind as he spinned her. She never felt more free.
~~
“Gosh Layla how long are you gonna hog the bathroom?” Daniel rolled his eyes. Layla smiled as she applied her lip gloss.
“See look what you did. You made me lose my concentration. Now I get to start all over again.” She called. She heard groan and unlock the door with a pin.
“Let’s go.” He dragged from the bathroom and she laughed as they made their way into his car after locking the door.
“Sheesh Layla, at least warn a guy before you take umm… the whole damn day to get ready!”
“I’m a girl. It’s my right.” She retorted and he kissed her hand.
“Damn it, you’re right. You’re lucky I’m the patient kind…sometimes.” He added.
“Where are you taking me?” She asked.
“That my dear is a surprise. I can’t tell you.”
“A hint?”
“Nah.”
“Come on.”
“Nope. Sit back relax and hush.” He smirked as she pouted. He turned off the street and went down a dirt path, the tires caused the car to jump and down. He turned the corner a couple times, and soon he parked the car.
“Close your eyes.”
“What?” She asked shocked.
“Just do it.” She shrugged and closed them. He held his hands over her them so she couldn’t see and she stopped walking.”
“Is this the part where you murder me?”
“I’m so sure Layla. No more horror movies for you.”
“You can never be sure.”
“You got that right.” He retorted before making her walk again. He released his hands off her eyes and stood behind her and whispered in her ear.
“Open.” She opened her eyes and gasped as they over looked the entire city. They were on a mountain that was so large, and the city below looked so tiny. The sun was setting and she relished the pink and orange sky.
“It’s beautiful.” She commented. He placed his hands on her waist and put his head on her head.
“Just like you.” He smiled. She turned around and wrapped her arms around his neck. He leaned in for a kiss and she hugged him as their lips meant. A year had passed and she was lost in love with him. Nothing seemed out of place, and the world was at her fingertips.
“I love you.” He suddenly said. She froze as he looked at her with meaning. He said it. He finally said it.
“I love you too.” She smiled. It felt so weird on her lips, even though she wanted to say it too him for so long. He brought her down on his lap and they watched the sun fully go down, and the moon rise sharing soft kisses that seemed to last a lifetime to her…
Layla sobbed into the pillow as she remembered what came next a year later. How everything went down hill that one day, and things changed forever.
Layla knocked impatiently on Daniel’s door as she hadn’t heard from him since yesterday. He called her non stop any normal day. Them not talking was just unnatural. She opened the door, thankfully it was open and she stepped into the normal fresh house as she called for him.
“Are you here?” She sighed and went to the bedroom. The room was empty but she could hear noises from the bathroom. She opened the door and gasped as Daniel was on the floor clutching a bottle of vodka.
“Daniel! What’s wrong, why do you have that?” She leant down and reached for the bottle, but he moved his hands so she missed.
“He’s gone.”
“Who’s gone?”
“My dad. He’s dead.”
“What?” She whispered.
“He died in a car accident. A drunk driver hit him. He’s fucking dead Layla.” He said with tears falling down his face. Layla wrapped her arms around him and he cried into her shoulder.
“It’s gonna be okay.” She whispered. He shook his head.
“I miss him. He’s never coming back.” He replied. She spent the whole night rocking him in her arms, promising him that things would be fine. She almost believed it too…
~~
“Daniel, please stop doing this.” Layla cried as he drank bottle after bottle. He was drinking nonstop and she tried to get him to stop but he wouldn’t listen. He ignored her while his heart ripped in half.
Since his father passed all he did was drink, and become depressed. Layla didn’t know who to turn to about this, she always went to him for her problems. Her eyes filled with tears as she watched him sink further down.
“Sweetie, just stop it.”
“No.” He replied and took another swig.
“You can’t keep doing this to yourself! It’s only going to get worse.”
“Don’t tell me what do okay? I know what I’m doing.” He retorted and she sighed. She was running out of patience. Then she did the worst thing she could ever do. She reached his bottle and she felt the sting of a palm hitting her cheek. She stumbled back and looked at him holding her cheek. She stood frozen in shock. He didn’t seem to notice.
“Leave me alone.” Was all he said and she ran down the stairs and out of the house spilling tears as she ran home and collapsed on her bed. That was the first night he hurt her and made her cry.
“Why?” Was all she could say.
She tried to help him, she tried to ease him, but he didn’t care. She put her hand to her cheek and cringed. Soaking her pillow with tears as she fell asleep.
~
That was her mistake. The next morning, she woke up to find dozen roses on her porch and a letter. It had been from him. He apologized and she fell for it. She was foolish, and in love. She couldn’t see that he would only hurt her more. She hated the feeling of feeling alone, she always wanted her there with him, and when he wasn’t, she lost it.
Things never got better. They got worse and worse and now Layla was stuck in the disaster world trying to pick up the pieces he had threw all over the place…
Layla still cried as her body shook violently. Maybe it was all her fault. If she’d only backed away when she had the chance, she wouldn’t be here. But she was blinded by love, and now she knows how cruel it can be.
The flashbacks continued and her mind lost track as she replayed every bruise, every lie, every excuse, every hit, every slap, and every night she spent crying. She fell like she was back at square one all over again. She failed herself and it hurt to admit, but it was true. Layla could picture her mother’s disappointed eyes as she taught her to always stand for herself, and she didn’t. She felt, and she fell hard as her wings had been cut so she couldn’t fly again.
Her fingers inched their way to her soft pillow and she clutched it for her dear life, before plowing her fists into it. What the hell was wrong with her? She was always taught to forgive, and she did. Even Daniel who used and abused her. She didn’t know what else to do.
Layla paced back and forth around her room. She pondered the pros and cons of walking out that door. She shook her head and put her head in her hands as she sighed deeply. Layla looked out the night sky that had no moon or light. It was dark, and she felt the worst as she bit her lip. Just one more time and she was done. One more time to relieve the heartache that filled her and she would be alright for one second.
Layla quietly snuck on her shoes and grabbed her sweatshirt. She grabbed money from her wallet and stuffed it into her pocket and zipped up her hoodie. With soft, careful movements, Layla opened the door to reveal the pitch black hallway and she used her hands to guide her down, becoming scared as she reached the front door. She looked back and stared at Frank’s door where no sound came out but snores. He was asleep and she sighed in relief. She opened the door quietly and snuck out and closing it. She was exposed to the outside and she cringed from the sudden cold that hit her in the face. She took a deep breath before walking down the sidewalk getting further away from Frank’s house. She looked back expecting him to be there looking back at her, but he wasn’t.
“Please forgive me Frank.” She whispered and continued to walk down the broken sidewalk to 4th avenue. She wanted to so bad to run to Ray’s house, but he was far away. She looked around and saw no one in sight. She wandered along the broken path when she heard a voice.
“I got what you’re looking for.” She turned around and looked at the person. He was wearing all black with and he had black hair. She walked over to him with caution and he held out her most prized possession.
“Sorry Frank.” She whispered to herself. She could see his face, and she put it off to the back of her mind. She needed relief and this was the only way she knew how. She was having a relapse and her memories triggered this.
Recovery just didn’t seem like it would come anytime soon…
Bad habits die hard….
I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep…standing on the edge of something much too deep…funny how I feel so much but cannot say a word…we are screaming inside, oh, but we can’t be heard…so afraid to love you, more afraid to lose…clinging to a past. -Sarah McLachlan
It feels like days since the last time I wrote you. Sorry about that. I’m just lost, and I couldn’t find my way back to the real world for a while. I’m sinking further and further down and I wonder if maybe this was a mistake. Frank has been so good to me, and I just feel like I’m letting him down. I’m trying, trying so hard but I can’t pull myself together. Maybe I need more help than I thought. I’m scared Ray. Yesterday I thought about the future. And you know what happened? I couldn’t see anything. It was cloudy and I couldn’t even see myself, what does that tell you? My body aches and the nights seem longer now, since the rain picked up. It’s all it ever does. I haven’t seen the sun in days, and I wonder if I’ll ever see it again.
My weakness, my failures, my life, my dreams, my happiness. Where have they all gone? I write you the same letters over and over and I apologize for that. You’re my only outlet though. I wish and wish to the days we meet again. Are you okay? Did you ever hear from your brother? Oh god, I miss you so much. I never had a friend like you, you know? You made me feel safe, and I regret leaving you, but I knew it was the right thing. I know you do to. Send me a message Ray, I’m always listening, especially for you. Just think about me. I’m thinking about you.
-Layla.
Layla sat the notebook down on the windowsill and put her hand to the glass window that streamed with rain as it fell down from the gray sky above. It was getting colder and Layla was too. Inside and out. She rarely talked much and hardly ate. Frank was doing his best, but he knew not push her. He had known from experiences to just let her be. She hated feeling like a imposition on him, even though he assured she wasn’t. Her heart longed for her drug and her demons continued to plague her mind. Her arms were covered in red from many scratches. Her eyes were a slight purple and he heart was empty.
Why was it so hard? She knew it was wrong, but it felt so good. It made her forget her worries and problems, yet it only destroyed her. How? She shook her head as her body craved it and it was hard now. She slammed her head on the soft bed before shutting her eyes tight and letting her mind slip to the happier times. If it only stayed that way forever….
Flashback.
“I’m gonna get you!” A young Daniel laughed as he chased a young Layla around the park and she giggled while running away from him. His hands reached out and grabbed her in his arms before falling on the ground. Layla began to squirm as he tickled her.
“Stop it!” She giggled and he held her hands down while tickling her sides.
“Say you give!” He laughed back.
“Never!” She called out.
“Fine then.” he said simply before unleashing his wrath under her underarms and she flailed her legs.
“Okay! Okay! I give! I give!” She yelled. He sat back satisfied and nodded.
“That’s right.” He mocked. She rolled her eyes before their lips met in a soft kiss. His hand went through her hair as she smiled into the kiss and they pulled back.
“You take my breath away.” He whispered.
“So do you.” She replied. He picked her up and swung her in a circle while holding her by her waist. Her blue sundress dancing with wind as he spinned her. She never felt more free.
~~
“Gosh Layla how long are you gonna hog the bathroom?” Daniel rolled his eyes. Layla smiled as she applied her lip gloss.
“See look what you did. You made me lose my concentration. Now I get to start all over again.” She called. She heard groan and unlock the door with a pin.
“Let’s go.” He dragged from the bathroom and she laughed as they made their way into his car after locking the door.
“Sheesh Layla, at least warn a guy before you take umm… the whole damn day to get ready!”
“I’m a girl. It’s my right.” She retorted and he kissed her hand.
“Damn it, you’re right. You’re lucky I’m the patient kind…sometimes.” He added.
“Where are you taking me?” She asked.
“That my dear is a surprise. I can’t tell you.”
“A hint?”
“Nah.”
“Come on.”
“Nope. Sit back relax and hush.” He smirked as she pouted. He turned off the street and went down a dirt path, the tires caused the car to jump and down. He turned the corner a couple times, and soon he parked the car.
“Close your eyes.”
“What?” She asked shocked.
“Just do it.” She shrugged and closed them. He held his hands over her them so she couldn’t see and she stopped walking.”
“Is this the part where you murder me?”
“I’m so sure Layla. No more horror movies for you.”
“You can never be sure.”
“You got that right.” He retorted before making her walk again. He released his hands off her eyes and stood behind her and whispered in her ear.
“Open.” She opened her eyes and gasped as they over looked the entire city. They were on a mountain that was so large, and the city below looked so tiny. The sun was setting and she relished the pink and orange sky.
“It’s beautiful.” She commented. He placed his hands on her waist and put his head on her head.
“Just like you.” He smiled. She turned around and wrapped her arms around his neck. He leaned in for a kiss and she hugged him as their lips meant. A year had passed and she was lost in love with him. Nothing seemed out of place, and the world was at her fingertips.
“I love you.” He suddenly said. She froze as he looked at her with meaning. He said it. He finally said it.
“I love you too.” She smiled. It felt so weird on her lips, even though she wanted to say it too him for so long. He brought her down on his lap and they watched the sun fully go down, and the moon rise sharing soft kisses that seemed to last a lifetime to her…
Layla sobbed into the pillow as she remembered what came next a year later. How everything went down hill that one day, and things changed forever.
Layla knocked impatiently on Daniel’s door as she hadn’t heard from him since yesterday. He called her non stop any normal day. Them not talking was just unnatural. She opened the door, thankfully it was open and she stepped into the normal fresh house as she called for him.
“Are you here?” She sighed and went to the bedroom. The room was empty but she could hear noises from the bathroom. She opened the door and gasped as Daniel was on the floor clutching a bottle of vodka.
“Daniel! What’s wrong, why do you have that?” She leant down and reached for the bottle, but he moved his hands so she missed.
“He’s gone.”
“Who’s gone?”
“My dad. He’s dead.”
“What?” She whispered.
“He died in a car accident. A drunk driver hit him. He’s fucking dead Layla.” He said with tears falling down his face. Layla wrapped her arms around him and he cried into her shoulder.
“It’s gonna be okay.” She whispered. He shook his head.
“I miss him. He’s never coming back.” He replied. She spent the whole night rocking him in her arms, promising him that things would be fine. She almost believed it too…
~~
“Daniel, please stop doing this.” Layla cried as he drank bottle after bottle. He was drinking nonstop and she tried to get him to stop but he wouldn’t listen. He ignored her while his heart ripped in half.
Since his father passed all he did was drink, and become depressed. Layla didn’t know who to turn to about this, she always went to him for her problems. Her eyes filled with tears as she watched him sink further down.
“Sweetie, just stop it.”
“No.” He replied and took another swig.
“You can’t keep doing this to yourself! It’s only going to get worse.”
“Don’t tell me what do okay? I know what I’m doing.” He retorted and she sighed. She was running out of patience. Then she did the worst thing she could ever do. She reached his bottle and she felt the sting of a palm hitting her cheek. She stumbled back and looked at him holding her cheek. She stood frozen in shock. He didn’t seem to notice.
“Leave me alone.” Was all he said and she ran down the stairs and out of the house spilling tears as she ran home and collapsed on her bed. That was the first night he hurt her and made her cry.
“Why?” Was all she could say.
She tried to help him, she tried to ease him, but he didn’t care. She put her hand to her cheek and cringed. Soaking her pillow with tears as she fell asleep.
~
That was her mistake. The next morning, she woke up to find dozen roses on her porch and a letter. It had been from him. He apologized and she fell for it. She was foolish, and in love. She couldn’t see that he would only hurt her more. She hated the feeling of feeling alone, she always wanted her there with him, and when he wasn’t, she lost it.
Things never got better. They got worse and worse and now Layla was stuck in the disaster world trying to pick up the pieces he had threw all over the place…
Layla still cried as her body shook violently. Maybe it was all her fault. If she’d only backed away when she had the chance, she wouldn’t be here. But she was blinded by love, and now she knows how cruel it can be.
The flashbacks continued and her mind lost track as she replayed every bruise, every lie, every excuse, every hit, every slap, and every night she spent crying. She fell like she was back at square one all over again. She failed herself and it hurt to admit, but it was true. Layla could picture her mother’s disappointed eyes as she taught her to always stand for herself, and she didn’t. She felt, and she fell hard as her wings had been cut so she couldn’t fly again.
Her fingers inched their way to her soft pillow and she clutched it for her dear life, before plowing her fists into it. What the hell was wrong with her? She was always taught to forgive, and she did. Even Daniel who used and abused her. She didn’t know what else to do.
Layla paced back and forth around her room. She pondered the pros and cons of walking out that door. She shook her head and put her head in her hands as she sighed deeply. Layla looked out the night sky that had no moon or light. It was dark, and she felt the worst as she bit her lip. Just one more time and she was done. One more time to relieve the heartache that filled her and she would be alright for one second.
Layla quietly snuck on her shoes and grabbed her sweatshirt. She grabbed money from her wallet and stuffed it into her pocket and zipped up her hoodie. With soft, careful movements, Layla opened the door to reveal the pitch black hallway and she used her hands to guide her down, becoming scared as she reached the front door. She looked back and stared at Frank’s door where no sound came out but snores. He was asleep and she sighed in relief. She opened the door quietly and snuck out and closing it. She was exposed to the outside and she cringed from the sudden cold that hit her in the face. She took a deep breath before walking down the sidewalk getting further away from Frank’s house. She looked back expecting him to be there looking back at her, but he wasn’t.
“Please forgive me Frank.” She whispered and continued to walk down the broken sidewalk to 4th avenue. She wanted to so bad to run to Ray’s house, but he was far away. She looked around and saw no one in sight. She wandered along the broken path when she heard a voice.
“I got what you’re looking for.” She turned around and looked at the person. He was wearing all black with and he had black hair. She walked over to him with caution and he held out her most prized possession.
“Sorry Frank.” She whispered to herself. She could see his face, and she put it off to the back of her mind. She needed relief and this was the only way she knew how. She was having a relapse and her memories triggered this.
Recovery just didn’t seem like it would come anytime soon…
Bad habits die hard….
I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep…standing on the edge of something much too deep…funny how I feel so much but cannot say a word…we are screaming inside, oh, but we can’t be heard…so afraid to love you, more afraid to lose…clinging to a past. -Sarah McLachlan
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