Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > What a Wonderful Caricature of Intimacy
So, a longer A/N before you start reading...these next few chapters are going to be quite a different pace compared to the rest of the story for a very particular reason.
1. They are being told from Ryans point of veiw, and except for these chapters, will be the only time you get to see into his mind. I felt I could not to justice to the story if they were told from Vals pov because it would ruin the effect.
2. To better understand what is happening in the characters present, parts of the past has to be presented.
I hope these chapters dont turn you off the story, because there is still more sex and drama to come, but this part of the story is crucial to explain the connection between Val and Ry....
anywho, thanks for reading, I love you guys!
I don't know if I have ever been so nervous in my entire life, which was ridiculous considering the amount of terrifying things I had done before this. Certainly things that merited more fear than this, yet there was I was, sitting in front of the woman I was meant to spend my life with, terrified that when I told her everything, she would leave me. Well, I wasn't going to tell her absolutely everything, only the things she needed to know. If she knew everything, there is no doubt in my mind she would be gone. If she knew the real me, and what I was capable of and the things I had done, she would run in the other direction and never look back at me, which is probably what she should have done in the first place. Come to think of it, that's what she had tried to do in the beginning, but for other reasons, and I just couldn't let her go. I had worked too hard, and done far too much to just let her disappear from my life again. I needed her to love me again, just as much as she needed me to love her. I just prayed to God that, despite what I had done, she could forgive me and make me the man I once used to be, before I lost her, before she lost herself.
After a long moment of pondering all the possible situations that could erupt from this conversation, I looked up at her beautiful, worried eyes and placed my hand on the side of her head, running my fingers through her soft hair until I found the scar I had been looking for.
"Tell me how you got this," I whispered, my heart wanting to tear because I already knew the answer. She had never herself told me about the accident, but she had inadvertently referred to it when I had first asked her to move in with me when she said she had lost over half her life in Vegas.
She avoided the subject, as I knew she would, by saying "It was an accident."
"What kind of accident?"
"I thought we-"
"Please tell me," I said more forcefully, needing her to say it aloud for me.
"It was just a car accident," she shrugged nonchalantly as if it was nothing. I had to hold myself together, frustration and pain trying to take over my emotions, but I would not let them.
“It wasn't just an accident, Valarie,” I said, finally unable to contain my frustration. Hearing her say it was “just a car accident” made it seem all the more worse. It wasn’t just a fucking car accident, it was a life. It was HER life. “You almost died. For 3 weeks, 4 days, and 10 hours, no one knew if you would ever wake up. And when you finally did, you didn't remember anything that happened before the accident. Not a single thing from your first 14 years of life." I looked deep into her eyes and saw a flicker of recognition at the mention of the numbers, but confusion too.
"How do you know that?" her perfect lips whispered, but almost as if she knew the answer.
I leaned towards her and wiped a single tear from underneath her eye. "Because I spent every second of that time scared that you were going to die. I've known you since you were 5 and been in love with you for the past 4 years."
"I don't understand," she said through more tears. "If we knew each other before, then how come I've never seen pictures of you before? How come when I woke up my parents never mentioned you?" I could almost see her brain working overtime to comprehend what I was telling her, but I knew she would not remember me, something I had come to terms with but still hurt me. Now that she knew just enough, I could start from the beginning.
************
It was my final year. Senior year. It was going to be the best year of my life, I could feel it. No more being pushed around by jackass seniors, because I was the senior this time, I'd do the pushing. Okay, well not really, but it was going to be better than any of the other years of high school. That was what I had expected until I saw Valarie walking down the hall towards me. I ducked into a classroom, hoping that she didn't see me.
How could I forget that she would be going to school with me? Fuck, I thought to myself. It was going to awkward considering what had happened at the beginning of the summer.
I was walking home with Bren when we ran into her. For most of her life, she had lived across from me, and my mother forced me to invite her to hang out with me and my friends because she was the only other kid on our block. She had moved across town, but her friends still lived near me so I ran into her occasionally. I tried to be polite, but I just couldn't stand her anymore, and that one afternoon, I snapped.
"I can't wait to go to school with you!" she giggled, walking between me and Bren. "You're going to have to show me around, you know me and my sense of direction."
"Of course," he replied warmly, always having more patience with her then I could. In fact, I think he even enjoyed hanging out with her sometimes. That I could not understand. Who would want to hang around a girl so much younger and annoying?
Without even knowing, I could hear myself saying "You wish."
Both Bren and she looked over at me.
"What?" She said.
"I said, you wish. God Valarie, would you just leave us alone already! I'm so sick of you following me around everywhere! We are not your friends! We don't like you and we never have!"
"Hey!" Brendon interjected, but I kept going.
"Don't talk to me anymore. I don't want anything to do with you. When you see me, pretend you don't know who I am because that is exactly what I'm going to do." I started walking away, only to realize that Brendon wasn't beside me. I turned back and saw him, with his back to me, whispering something in her ear, and then he leaned in and hugged her. She nodded her head as he let her go before he joined me.
"I don't see what you're big problem is," he muttered. "She's nice."
"And I don't see why you think that!" I retorted angrily. "She's a fucking twit and she's too young to be hanging out with us. I don't like her."
"Or maybe you like her more than you want to admit" he said quietly, making me even angrier. I shoved his chest hard so that he fell to the ground and leaned over him.
"I do not fucking like her. She's just a little girl."
"Fuck Ryan," he stood up brushing off his jeans. "She's not so much younger. She's turning 14 in a few weeks. Give her a break; we've known her for years."
"Whatever," I mumbled. He had made me feel like a bit of an ass, but I just couldn't stand her anymore. We walked the rest of the way in silence, but when I got home, I had an earful waiting for me.
"How dare you say those nasty things," my mother yelled, wagging her finger towards me and Bren. "She is such a kind young girl Ryan. I raised you better than to treat girls like that!" Yet you let dad do those things to you? I thought to myself, rather than saying it aloud and making her angrier. She had yelled at me for a good few minutes before Brendon and I could retreat to my room to write music.
I felt a little bad for saying what I had, but I had too much pride to go and apologize, and that was the last I had talked to her all summer.
Brendon disappeared about a week after that incident. Apparently he had met some girl that he went to church with and was spending all his time with her. Some friend he was, picking a girl over me. Whatever, it just gave me plenty of time to work on my music, which seemed to be getting better. I called Brendon up one afternoon excited to show him some new lyrics I had come up with but he said that it was his girlfriend’s birthday and that he was busy with her so he wouldn't be over until the late evening. I was beginning to get frustrated with how much time he was spending with her, and also irritated that he didn't want to talk about her. If she was so special then why was he hiding her?
After getting off the phone with him, I headed to the kitchen for some food, where my mom was already preparing dinner.
“Have you apologized to Valarie yet?" My mom asked without turning to look at me.
Truth be told, despite myself, I had tried, but she never bothered to answer my phone calls. I wouldn't blame her though, I was a dick head, still didn't change the way I felt about her though.
"She won't answer her phone," I mumbled.
"Make more of an effort, honey. If you like her, than you should let her know."
"Ma!" I cried. Why did everyone think I liked her!? "I don't like her okay! In fact, it’s the opposite! I hate her!"
"Oh Ryan," she sighed with a sly smile. "You do not hate a woman for no good reason unless there are other feelings there."
"She's not a woman! She's still a little girl!" I yelled, trying to get that point across to everyone.
"Love has nothing to do with age. Besides, she has always acted older than she is."
"I'm not talking about this anymore!" I grabbed something from the fridge and headed back to my room.
"Just give her a call today Ry! It's her birthday, remember? Last year you bought her that-"
I slammed the door to my room and flopped down on the bed, angry with the world. I didn't care whether it was her birthday or not. The only reason I had gotten her a gift the year before was because my ma had made me. The stupid thing was though, that an hour later, I felt guilty, like I had to do it. I picked up the phone, hoping that she once again would not answer, but when he voice sounded from the other end, my heart jumped a little.
"Hello Ryan," she said cheerfully, taking me aback.
"Uhm, hey. Happy Birthday." I paused, not really sure what to say, and I began to wish I had rehearsed something in my head beforehand.
"I know you didn't call to make small talk so maybe just get right to the point."
"Well I really am calling to say Happy Birthday."
"And?"
I sighed, knowing what she was waiting for. I could say it and not really mean it couldn't I?
"I'm sorry for those things I said to you. I was having a bad day, and you were the first person I could think of to take it out on. I didn't really mean-"
"Except that you did mean every single word. If you wanted me to stop hanging around you then I'm sure you could have found a nicer way to tell me. I'm a big girl, Ryan. It's not like I was hanging out with you guys for YOU anyway. I forgive you."
"I'm sorry, what?" I replied, confused by her comment. What did she mean she wasn't hanging out with me for me? But she misunderstood my confusion.
"Well my boyfriend says that you should be forgiven because asshats like you will feel bad if they're forgiven when they know they shouldn't be. So I forgive, because you deserve to feel bad about what you said. It was mean and I didn't do anything to deserve it."
"Boyfriend?" I said incredulously, and I felt a strange sense of anger inside me, something I couldn't pin point. "Who would ever want to date you?" I scoffed.
"That is none of your business. From now on, nothing about me concerns you. We are no longer friends, but I guess we never really were. I don't ever want you to talk to me again, and when we cross paths, we'll just do what you want, just act like we never knew each other, because I regret ever thinking of you as a friend. I hate you, Ryan Ross. Don't you ever forget that."
She hung up before I even had a chance to reply, and I was angrier than ever. Who the fuck did she think she was? It wasn't if I cared about her, or that she didn't ever want to speak to me again, or even that she had a boyfriend. Hell, I felt sorry for whoever that was. Poor dude was probably ready to dump her anyway. Maybe he'd do me a large favour and do it today so that she would have the worst birthday ev-
My thoughts stopped dead in their tracks when I remember the conversation earlier with Bren.
"Dude, I'm sure the song is great but it’s my girlfriend’s birthday and I want to spend the day with her. I'll be over later tonight."
His girlfriend’s birthday was today. So was Valarie's. Was that just a coincidence? I shook my head, trying to get the stupid idea out of my head, but it began to form even more. Brendon thinking she was nice, hugging her after those awful things I said. No, it had to be just a coincidence. But then our phone call, "It's not like I was hanging out with you guys for YOU anyway." Did she mean to say that she was dating Brendon!? I seethed with anger, and picked up my phone ready to call him, when I realized that it was the wrong thing to do. I didn't want to jump to conclusions and ruin my friendship, but I was almost 100 percent positive. I would have to wait for him to tell me himself it was true, and if it was, then he was in big trouble.
1. They are being told from Ryans point of veiw, and except for these chapters, will be the only time you get to see into his mind. I felt I could not to justice to the story if they were told from Vals pov because it would ruin the effect.
2. To better understand what is happening in the characters present, parts of the past has to be presented.
I hope these chapters dont turn you off the story, because there is still more sex and drama to come, but this part of the story is crucial to explain the connection between Val and Ry....
anywho, thanks for reading, I love you guys!
I don't know if I have ever been so nervous in my entire life, which was ridiculous considering the amount of terrifying things I had done before this. Certainly things that merited more fear than this, yet there was I was, sitting in front of the woman I was meant to spend my life with, terrified that when I told her everything, she would leave me. Well, I wasn't going to tell her absolutely everything, only the things she needed to know. If she knew everything, there is no doubt in my mind she would be gone. If she knew the real me, and what I was capable of and the things I had done, she would run in the other direction and never look back at me, which is probably what she should have done in the first place. Come to think of it, that's what she had tried to do in the beginning, but for other reasons, and I just couldn't let her go. I had worked too hard, and done far too much to just let her disappear from my life again. I needed her to love me again, just as much as she needed me to love her. I just prayed to God that, despite what I had done, she could forgive me and make me the man I once used to be, before I lost her, before she lost herself.
After a long moment of pondering all the possible situations that could erupt from this conversation, I looked up at her beautiful, worried eyes and placed my hand on the side of her head, running my fingers through her soft hair until I found the scar I had been looking for.
"Tell me how you got this," I whispered, my heart wanting to tear because I already knew the answer. She had never herself told me about the accident, but she had inadvertently referred to it when I had first asked her to move in with me when she said she had lost over half her life in Vegas.
She avoided the subject, as I knew she would, by saying "It was an accident."
"What kind of accident?"
"I thought we-"
"Please tell me," I said more forcefully, needing her to say it aloud for me.
"It was just a car accident," she shrugged nonchalantly as if it was nothing. I had to hold myself together, frustration and pain trying to take over my emotions, but I would not let them.
“It wasn't just an accident, Valarie,” I said, finally unable to contain my frustration. Hearing her say it was “just a car accident” made it seem all the more worse. It wasn’t just a fucking car accident, it was a life. It was HER life. “You almost died. For 3 weeks, 4 days, and 10 hours, no one knew if you would ever wake up. And when you finally did, you didn't remember anything that happened before the accident. Not a single thing from your first 14 years of life." I looked deep into her eyes and saw a flicker of recognition at the mention of the numbers, but confusion too.
"How do you know that?" her perfect lips whispered, but almost as if she knew the answer.
I leaned towards her and wiped a single tear from underneath her eye. "Because I spent every second of that time scared that you were going to die. I've known you since you were 5 and been in love with you for the past 4 years."
"I don't understand," she said through more tears. "If we knew each other before, then how come I've never seen pictures of you before? How come when I woke up my parents never mentioned you?" I could almost see her brain working overtime to comprehend what I was telling her, but I knew she would not remember me, something I had come to terms with but still hurt me. Now that she knew just enough, I could start from the beginning.
************
It was my final year. Senior year. It was going to be the best year of my life, I could feel it. No more being pushed around by jackass seniors, because I was the senior this time, I'd do the pushing. Okay, well not really, but it was going to be better than any of the other years of high school. That was what I had expected until I saw Valarie walking down the hall towards me. I ducked into a classroom, hoping that she didn't see me.
How could I forget that she would be going to school with me? Fuck, I thought to myself. It was going to awkward considering what had happened at the beginning of the summer.
I was walking home with Bren when we ran into her. For most of her life, she had lived across from me, and my mother forced me to invite her to hang out with me and my friends because she was the only other kid on our block. She had moved across town, but her friends still lived near me so I ran into her occasionally. I tried to be polite, but I just couldn't stand her anymore, and that one afternoon, I snapped.
"I can't wait to go to school with you!" she giggled, walking between me and Bren. "You're going to have to show me around, you know me and my sense of direction."
"Of course," he replied warmly, always having more patience with her then I could. In fact, I think he even enjoyed hanging out with her sometimes. That I could not understand. Who would want to hang around a girl so much younger and annoying?
Without even knowing, I could hear myself saying "You wish."
Both Bren and she looked over at me.
"What?" She said.
"I said, you wish. God Valarie, would you just leave us alone already! I'm so sick of you following me around everywhere! We are not your friends! We don't like you and we never have!"
"Hey!" Brendon interjected, but I kept going.
"Don't talk to me anymore. I don't want anything to do with you. When you see me, pretend you don't know who I am because that is exactly what I'm going to do." I started walking away, only to realize that Brendon wasn't beside me. I turned back and saw him, with his back to me, whispering something in her ear, and then he leaned in and hugged her. She nodded her head as he let her go before he joined me.
"I don't see what you're big problem is," he muttered. "She's nice."
"And I don't see why you think that!" I retorted angrily. "She's a fucking twit and she's too young to be hanging out with us. I don't like her."
"Or maybe you like her more than you want to admit" he said quietly, making me even angrier. I shoved his chest hard so that he fell to the ground and leaned over him.
"I do not fucking like her. She's just a little girl."
"Fuck Ryan," he stood up brushing off his jeans. "She's not so much younger. She's turning 14 in a few weeks. Give her a break; we've known her for years."
"Whatever," I mumbled. He had made me feel like a bit of an ass, but I just couldn't stand her anymore. We walked the rest of the way in silence, but when I got home, I had an earful waiting for me.
"How dare you say those nasty things," my mother yelled, wagging her finger towards me and Bren. "She is such a kind young girl Ryan. I raised you better than to treat girls like that!" Yet you let dad do those things to you? I thought to myself, rather than saying it aloud and making her angrier. She had yelled at me for a good few minutes before Brendon and I could retreat to my room to write music.
I felt a little bad for saying what I had, but I had too much pride to go and apologize, and that was the last I had talked to her all summer.
Brendon disappeared about a week after that incident. Apparently he had met some girl that he went to church with and was spending all his time with her. Some friend he was, picking a girl over me. Whatever, it just gave me plenty of time to work on my music, which seemed to be getting better. I called Brendon up one afternoon excited to show him some new lyrics I had come up with but he said that it was his girlfriend’s birthday and that he was busy with her so he wouldn't be over until the late evening. I was beginning to get frustrated with how much time he was spending with her, and also irritated that he didn't want to talk about her. If she was so special then why was he hiding her?
After getting off the phone with him, I headed to the kitchen for some food, where my mom was already preparing dinner.
“Have you apologized to Valarie yet?" My mom asked without turning to look at me.
Truth be told, despite myself, I had tried, but she never bothered to answer my phone calls. I wouldn't blame her though, I was a dick head, still didn't change the way I felt about her though.
"She won't answer her phone," I mumbled.
"Make more of an effort, honey. If you like her, than you should let her know."
"Ma!" I cried. Why did everyone think I liked her!? "I don't like her okay! In fact, it’s the opposite! I hate her!"
"Oh Ryan," she sighed with a sly smile. "You do not hate a woman for no good reason unless there are other feelings there."
"She's not a woman! She's still a little girl!" I yelled, trying to get that point across to everyone.
"Love has nothing to do with age. Besides, she has always acted older than she is."
"I'm not talking about this anymore!" I grabbed something from the fridge and headed back to my room.
"Just give her a call today Ry! It's her birthday, remember? Last year you bought her that-"
I slammed the door to my room and flopped down on the bed, angry with the world. I didn't care whether it was her birthday or not. The only reason I had gotten her a gift the year before was because my ma had made me. The stupid thing was though, that an hour later, I felt guilty, like I had to do it. I picked up the phone, hoping that she once again would not answer, but when he voice sounded from the other end, my heart jumped a little.
"Hello Ryan," she said cheerfully, taking me aback.
"Uhm, hey. Happy Birthday." I paused, not really sure what to say, and I began to wish I had rehearsed something in my head beforehand.
"I know you didn't call to make small talk so maybe just get right to the point."
"Well I really am calling to say Happy Birthday."
"And?"
I sighed, knowing what she was waiting for. I could say it and not really mean it couldn't I?
"I'm sorry for those things I said to you. I was having a bad day, and you were the first person I could think of to take it out on. I didn't really mean-"
"Except that you did mean every single word. If you wanted me to stop hanging around you then I'm sure you could have found a nicer way to tell me. I'm a big girl, Ryan. It's not like I was hanging out with you guys for YOU anyway. I forgive you."
"I'm sorry, what?" I replied, confused by her comment. What did she mean she wasn't hanging out with me for me? But she misunderstood my confusion.
"Well my boyfriend says that you should be forgiven because asshats like you will feel bad if they're forgiven when they know they shouldn't be. So I forgive, because you deserve to feel bad about what you said. It was mean and I didn't do anything to deserve it."
"Boyfriend?" I said incredulously, and I felt a strange sense of anger inside me, something I couldn't pin point. "Who would ever want to date you?" I scoffed.
"That is none of your business. From now on, nothing about me concerns you. We are no longer friends, but I guess we never really were. I don't ever want you to talk to me again, and when we cross paths, we'll just do what you want, just act like we never knew each other, because I regret ever thinking of you as a friend. I hate you, Ryan Ross. Don't you ever forget that."
She hung up before I even had a chance to reply, and I was angrier than ever. Who the fuck did she think she was? It wasn't if I cared about her, or that she didn't ever want to speak to me again, or even that she had a boyfriend. Hell, I felt sorry for whoever that was. Poor dude was probably ready to dump her anyway. Maybe he'd do me a large favour and do it today so that she would have the worst birthday ev-
My thoughts stopped dead in their tracks when I remember the conversation earlier with Bren.
"Dude, I'm sure the song is great but it’s my girlfriend’s birthday and I want to spend the day with her. I'll be over later tonight."
His girlfriend’s birthday was today. So was Valarie's. Was that just a coincidence? I shook my head, trying to get the stupid idea out of my head, but it began to form even more. Brendon thinking she was nice, hugging her after those awful things I said. No, it had to be just a coincidence. But then our phone call, "It's not like I was hanging out with you guys for YOU anyway." Did she mean to say that she was dating Brendon!? I seethed with anger, and picked up my phone ready to call him, when I realized that it was the wrong thing to do. I didn't want to jump to conclusions and ruin my friendship, but I was almost 100 percent positive. I would have to wait for him to tell me himself it was true, and if it was, then he was in big trouble.
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