(#) JesusKetchum31 2006-07-29Two things:
One, it's called capitalization.
Two, I'm sorry, that last line made me flash back to Neon Genesis Evangelion.
Okay, me being catty aside... Show, don't tell. You're obviously inexperienced. It takes a lot of reading and a lot of practice to learn the difference between showing us something (which draws us in and makes us want to read more) and telling us something (which makes us think, "wow, is this kid like 13?"). I also find the plot to be a little... done. Still, while it was a little cliche, There were some elegant passages in there, although they were riddled with a complete disrespect for the conventions of the English language. Keep working at it and... get a beta.
Also, describing your characters with profiles before the story starts is kinda lame. You should integrate descriptions of them into the story. It's a slower start but it's much more graceful and respectful toward your readers.
- Your other reviewer quite literally took the words right out of my mouth. Show, don't tell. I couldn't have said it better (namely because I use that phrase all the time).
A good way to avoid doing character descriptions that way is to imagine how someone would describe a police lineup. Got that mental image? Good. Now don't do that.
Obviously this is one of the first few things you've written. Either that or you're simply not trying. If you're lazy with simple things like capitalizing letters, using correct punctuation, and other mechanics, no one will even bother reading your story. You have to at least make it LOOK like you're making an honest effort. It can often be the difference between people flaming you and giving you constructive criticism.
Also, work on the summary of your story. It's exactly what I just said: If you don't look like you're trying, no one will think you are.
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