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There was white, everywhere. I looked around taking in my surroundings. Typical hospital room. A pretty looking nurse came in. Her red lipstick contrasting against all the white.  

You know how you'll see the porn with nurses with the skimpy outfit and huge boobs and think 'that never happens in real life'? Well, I think I've just been proven wrong or I'm in heaven. Maybe hell and she's only here to castrate me after teasing me. 

I smiled at her. Her blonde hair flipped as she greeted me. "Am I in heaven or hell?" She chuckled, checking her clipboard. "You're in St. Erebus hospital. It was a close call, a real close call." She smiled sweetly and sympathetically. Her name tag read Kalma. Pretty name. 

 I shook my head in disbelief. "It didn't work?" She smiled. "No, it didn't. Thank Erebus." She paused, cocking her head to the side. "Though you were actually dead for a tad over 30 seconds, until you came back." 

I squeezed my eyes shut. I can't even kill myself right. Why am I such a fuck up? "Isn't Erebus a deity of death?" She grinned nodding, clapping her hands together. "I'm in hell." 

Everything shifted. There was fire and evil laughter surrounding me. I swatted at my clothes, trying to put out the flames burning into my skin. Screaming and yelping. Hells quite a party. 

Things kept patting at my skin. Invisible giant hell bugs? "Mikey!" The voices yelled, mocking me. "No leave me a lone." I ran and ran till the fire ran out and I was in complete darkness. My skin searing in pain. "Mikey." 

I jolted awake. I looked around in a daze. Gerard. "Gee." I brought him close to me and hugged him tight. "Am I still in hell?"  I whispered. "No, you're safe at the hospital. I think you were having a nightmare, thrashing about, panicking, screaming and such." He pulled away. Smiling slightly at me. 

I frowned. "I'd rather be in hell." I said quietly. He nodded sadly. "Why Mikey? What'd I do?" I shook my head, he wouldn't understand. I mess everything up. "You didn't do anything. Every bodies life would be better off without me to mess it up." I desperately need a smoke and a gun, so they can't bring me back next time and I'll go happy. 

Gerard grit his teeth. "Why would you think that? Nobody thinks that! Mom, can't even bring herself in here to look at you." He gestured at the door. "She thinks it's her fault, that she wasn't a good enough mom. One sons gay, the other hates his life so much he'd off himself!" I shook my head, that's not true.

My moms amazing. Her life would improve so much, without me around and everyone knows it. Gerard is such a liar. "Do you know how much you scared me? I thought you were going to die!" I clenched my fist. He doesn't care, no one does, he's a liar. They'd all be better off. 

"I'm your brother. Why do you hate me? Why couldn't you have just talked to me about whatever is going on?" I shook my head. "You don't understand." He rolled his eyed. "Of course I understand. I've been through all this shit Michael. Don't try and tell me I don't understand." 

"You hurt so many people today. Didn't you think of anyone but yourself? How this would affect everyone?" I nodded. I know exactly how it would affect people. "Everyone would finally be happy." I muttered. 

He shook his head, looking at me like I'm the most hopeless person on the planet.  "Frank, YOUR best friend cant respond to anything. I bet he's still sitting at home right now, muttering to himself about what he could've done. " That liar. "Don't bring Frankie into this!" I yelled. "Why? He is. This affects him too." Gerard fired back. "Everyone's fine without out me." I could barely utter out the words.

Gerard, embraced me in a hug. I hesitantly wrapped my arms around him, patting his back. "That's not true Mikes." I knew he could see it, but I shook my head anyway. "Gerard. I need to tell you something." He pulled away, sitting on the chair next to my -now I'm realizing how uncomfortable this mattress is- hospital bed.  

I took a deep breath, bracing myself for his reaction. I'm gonna start over. "Me and Frank have been seeing each other.."  Gerard looked confused. "This is news to me how?" I cleared my throat awkwardly.

I continued, trying to make things clearer.  "We've been seeing each other, behind your back. For months now." Gerard looked like something just clicked in his brain. 

He stood up from his chair. Anger boiled in his eyes. But anger at me, Frankie or both of us? "I love him Gee." I said slightly. I could tell that he wanted to kill me, it was in his eyes. But there was also a deep sadness, like I tore all the happiness away from him. But I guess that's all I do. 

He walked out the room with a slam of the door. She embraced me suddenly. "Where's Frank?" I asked. She sighed, releasing me from the mothers grip of death. "No love for the mama, of course. It's expected. Frank never came. I tried texting and calling but there's no answer." I nodded biting my lip. "Gerard told me he was pretty out of it. I told him to go back, but he refused to leave your side." She smiled. "I'm so glad your okay. Never do that again! But we can talk about all that later, I'm just glad you're all healthy and together now, physically anyway." I nodded, and muttered some "mmhmm's". 

After a little bit of hearing my moms ramblings and how I'm such a miracle, I interrupted. "Can I call Frank?" She nodded, handing me her cell phone. I'd like to note that the phone, was in her bra. I'm using a mommy-boob phone. If only I'd killed myself correctly. Next time, it's a mother fucking gun to the head. 

I dialed Franks number by memory. 

"Hi! My phones off. Call my Geegee, or the Ways or leave a message! Peeskies!"

Hmm, straight to voicemail. "Franks still at our house?" She nodded. I dialed our house number. Each ring building my anticipation. "Hello." An angry sounding, non-Frank voice answered. "Is Frank there?" I asked nervously. Knowing the voice had to be Gerard. "No, he's not. You killed him. He's dead." I threw the phone at the wall. 

I wanted to break down and cry and scream and yell and curse and die and kill and... I don't know. My Frankie. Gone. All my fault. 

Frank laughed, 'his adorable giggle'. Mikey had just fell over, being his clumsy self. Mikey's  chocolatey brown hair fell in his face. He blushed. Pulling the younger boy down. "Hey, you got my new shoes dirty!" The younger one complained. 

Mikey, -feeling like the older more responsible one, being two years older than the other boy now. After all he'd just turned nine, he was the big cheese- kissed Frankies forehead and hugged him. Then he sat up to inspect, Frankies new light up shoes. 

Part of Mikey was jealous, he wanted light up shoes too. But he let it go and just wiped the younger's shoe with his sleeve. "Thank you Mikey." Mikey nodded, smiling at his his accomplishment and the ability to think on his feet.

 "I love you Mikes." Frank hugged the other boy, wheels already turning in his head. He wanted to repay the older one. Frank pulled away, smiling up at Mikey. Frank though the world of him. He felt so lucky to have such a smart and amazing friend. Though clumsy at times.  

The memory of -technically- the first time Frank had told me he loved me, caused me  to sob, uncontrollably.  
I was supposed to protect him. I was supposed to fix things. It's not fair. Why not me? It's not fair.  

I screamed and pulled at my hair and yelled for my Frankie. But it didn't feel like it was me. The shell of me was freaking out, breaking apart. But I felt, dead. The reason l lived so long was gone. 

I felt a force hold each of my arms down. I was to frantic to care. Random voices tried to soothe me. It doesn't matter. Because its not Franks voice, the only voice that matters. 

Why did he have to go? Why did he have to die for me to want to change and be with him properly? Why am I such a fuck up? 
--Switching to Third Person--

He  thrashed about frantically, screaming out Franks name.  Security held down his arms and legs while his mom and some nurses tried to calm him down. 

The tall, bright haired security guard suggested a sedative, sick of what he thought was obviously a nutcase. Mrs. Way shook her head in disapproval. 

Another piercing scream entered their ears. Of course the scream came from the devastated Mikey. No one knew what triggered it. He simply started freaking out. 

The shorter security guard rolled his eyes as the patient screamed again. "Maybe someone should just call this Frankie person he keeps yelling about!" Mrs. Way nodded and flipped out her boob phone. 

She sighed, placing her phone delitcally back into her bra area. "No answer." The nurses and security guards gave each other a look. "Get the doctor. We're gonna have to sedate him." A nurse informed, shooing Mrs. Way out the room despite her protest. 

Mikey didn't register what was going on. All he could think about was Frank. Then suddenly, there was a prick on his arm. He could see Frank slipping from his grasp and he whispered 'I'll never forget you.' 

--Switching to Gerard's Point Of View
Oh and we're Time... Fast Forwarding?--

I had never felt such an anger in my entire life. I slammed open the door to my house, bounding up the stairs.

Frankie was laying on the floor. Half of him in the bathroom, the other half in the hallway. Piece of me wanted to feel bad for him.  

He looked so gorgeous laying there, all perfect an innocent. But truly its just pathetic. I grabbed him up by his hair and he yelped, just noticing my appearance. 

He was in a sitting position now, looking at me puzzled. Even though he knows I have a reason to be mad. "This is all your fault." I brought him to his feet by his collar and slammed his head against the wall. 

He nodded, eyes filled with fear. "I know. I couldn't kill myself, I just couldn't." I punched him in to gut, causing him to double over. 

I grabbed his hair, forcing the back of his head into the wall again. "I don't know why. You're so fucking worthless! You destroy everything you touch." I spat. He nodded in agreement.

 "I know about you and Mikey." He started to get teary, truly pathetic. "I'm so sorry, Gerard. I'm so sorry." I slammed his head back again, with more force this time.

I slammed it again and again till  he looked dazed. "Get out of town. Hell, get out of the east coast." Punch "You're dead to us." Punch "Mikey and I never want to see your face or hear from you ever again." I released him and he fell to the ground. Kick "I'm so so sorry." He sobbed. 

Kick "The hell you are! Get out of my house now. Change your name. Never come back to Jersey. You're dead to us, all of us." I kicked him again for good measure. He looked at me, eyes pleading. Eyes I once  loved and would fall for anytime of day.  But those same eyes messed with my brother. I have nothing for hate for him now. 

He scrambled up  out and away. Don't know where or how, I don't care. Its all fine by me. The telephone rang. I sighed angrily. 
---
Yep. Oh, next update not until Monday. Sorry :(. My week is freaking crammed. I've semi-finished the next chapter though. I like mint chocolate chip ice cream. As well as cookies and cream. My favorite color is purple&black. Also, I'm re-writing the end and all the chapters I had previously wrote up to the end (I had 4 different sets of those and I scrapped them all).