FicWad

In the darkness Gerard struggled to find his way however it wasn’t until he heard the sound of crying he could break free of its grasp. Forcing his eyes open he was disorientated at first and it took several moments to realize he was laying on the sofa. However, it was the sound of the crying that brought everything back into focus. Sitting up slowly he now could see Ayasha on the floor where she’d collapsed. He got to his feet and as quickly as possible to go to her.

Ayasha’s eyes were closed as the tears ran down her face. Her heart wrenching sobs making it impossible to hear. It wasn’t until she felt him touch her face that he eyes sprang open. “Gee.”

“Honey, I’m here.” He said pulling her into his arms.

“Oh, Gee.” She gulped, “I thought you were gone.” She tried to stop crying but it was impossible.

He realized now that since he’d been laying down she hadn’t seen him when she entered the house. “I was on the sofa.” He explained kissing away her tears. Suddenly he froze.

Ayasha looked up feeling his body tense. “What is it?”

Gerard’s eyes were wide. “Your tears, I can feel them on my lips.” He was overwhelmed by the knowledge. “Ayasha I can feel, really feel them.”

She sat back slightly trying to gain control of her emotions. “I don’t understand.”

“I can feel the wetness, taste the saltiness.” He kissed her cheek again needing to feel so badly.

She too was shocked. “What about my skin, can you feel it?”

Again he used his fingertip to touch her cheek. “No.” He sighed. “I can’t feel anything but your tears.”

Unable to stop herself she threw her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. “Gee, I was so scared.” She whispered.

“It’s okay now.” He crooned. “I’m here, I told you I’d be here waiting for you.”

Several minutes passed as they held each other. Finally Gerard spoke, “Honey, why can I feel your tears?”

She scooted back to look into his eyes. “I don’t know.”

“Maybe because they truly come from your soul.” He whispered.

“My soul was crying out for you.” As she said the words a fresh onslaught of tears ran down her cheeks.

“I was trying to find my way in the darkness.” He said softly. “Before when you’d arrive I would just open my eyes but this time I couldn’t. It was the sound of your crying that lead me out of the darkness.”

“Oh, Gee.” She knew she needed to gain control of her emotions but was finding it impossible. “What does all of this mean?”

“I don’t know.” He answered honestly. “But I do know that right now, holding you in my arms is where I want to be.”

His words were like a splash of cold water. She knew in her heart this is not where he should want to be, he should want to be part of the living. Quickly she wiped her eyes then stood.

“Ayasha?”

“It is wrong for you to want to be here.” Her voice trembled. “We both know that.”

He too stood. “I want to be here because I love you.”

When he tried to move towards her she took a step back. “But maybe that’s what is keeping you from returning to your life. I can’t be the reason you remain in a coma, in limbo.”

Now he understood. “Honey, don’t think that way.”

Ayasha wrapped her arms around herself nervously. “All this talk about you being here when I return…it’s wrong. You need to return to your life.”

He too was confused but tried to reason with her. “But when you’re gone I’m still in the coma, lost in the darkness.”

She stood staring at the ground. “I don’t know what to think, what to do.” She whispered sadly.

His fear was she would blame herself for his situation, something he never wanted to happen. “I’m here because I’m meant to be here. It’s as simple as that.”

“We don’t know that.”

“We don’t know if that’s true or not.” He reminded her. “But we do know the sound of your tears just brought me out of the darkness. I know the feel of your tears just made me feel more alive than I have since this all started. That I do know.”

Everything that was happening was taking its toll on her and she needed to regain her control. Reaching down she lifted her bag. “I took pictures for you today.”

He understood she was trying to give herself time to sort out her emotions. “Good, I want to see them.”

She grabbed several tissues on the way to the sofa then sat down. Gerard waited patiently was she wiped her tears but he was unable to stop himself from reaching out. “Let me.” He needed to feel them one last time. Ayasha sat very still as he wiped her cheeks, she too understood what he was doing. She could feel his fingertips brushing against her cheek. He forced himself to stop. “There.” He smiled.

With her eyes downcast she whispered. “Crying is a sign of weakness.”

“My beautiful Ayahsa.” He said gently cupping her face, forcing her to look into his eyes. “Please don’t feel that way. Your tears gave me the strength to find my way out of the darkness.”

She stared into his eyes but refused to speak.

He gently brushed his thumb over her lips. “Now, show me the pictures.”

Her hands shook as she turned on the digital camera.

While she was doing this Gerard noticed for the first time the necklace she wore. “Wow, this is beautiful.” He said running his finger over the turquoise stones.

“It is the necklace I told you about.” She answered without looking up.

“I thought you were just going to take a picture of it.”

She sighed, “That was my plan but this morning when I arrived at the shop Tom gave it to me.”

He understood she loved the necklace but was confused by her attitude. “You didn’t want to accept it?”

“It is very expensive.”

He nodded, “I’m sure it is but I’m also sure he wanted you to have it.”

“He said he has always believed it should belong to me. Tom remembers it was the necklace that caused me to go into his store for the first time.”

“Told you I like the guy.” Gerard smiled. “And he’s right, it should be yours. It looks so right around your neck.”

“But the cost.” She frowned.

“Ayasha I think you’re more bothered by accepting a gift from someone than the cost. Am I right?”

She shrugged, “Maybe.”

Gerard laughed suddenly feeling better. “Not maybe. I’m glad you accepted it. I’m sure that made Tom feel good.”

Ayasha found herself unable to keep anything from him. “He said he is glad I have given him my trust.”

He nodded, “Yeah, he understands that’s not easy for you.”

She pulled up the first photo but noticed Gerard was still staring at the necklace. “What?”

“Well.” He grinned, “I was just thinking how much I want to see you wearing this necklace.”

“I am wearing the necklace.”

“I mean only the necklace.” He whispered leaning over to kiss her neck.

It has so hard for her to gently push him away. “Hey, you’re supposed to be looking at my photos.”

“Oh, yeah. Right.” He laughed sitting back. “Lets see.”

For several minutes Ayasha shared the photos she’d taken, often explaining the few facts she’d learned about some of the artists whose work she’d photographed. Gerard loved seeing the artwork but more that that it was just soothing to listen to her voice. However when a photo of a booth filled with Native American jewelry appeared he noticed her hands began to shake. Ayasha moved on to the next picture.

“Honey, what about that last one?” He asked.

“Oh” She tried to sound nonchalant. While she understood she’d eventually have to tell him she’d invited Opal and her grandson to visit tomorrow night she hadn’t wanted to bring that up now. “That was all jewelry made by a Cherokee woman.”

“Can I see it again?” He knew there was something about the photo that was troubling her.

Ayasha sighed as she returned to the photo in question.

“Did you get any close-up pictures of the jewelry?”

“No.”

“Too bad, I would have loved to see her work.” Gerard said leaning down to get a closer look of the photo. “Did you talk to her?”

“Yes.”

He turned to look into Ayasha’s eyes. “Uh, why the sudden one word answers?”

She handed him the camera then stood. Obviously this was something they would have to discuss now. “I talked to her and her grandson." She began to pace. “I didn’t realize she was Cherokee until I heard her speaking the language to him.”

“I don’t understand why you seem upset.”

Honestly, she didn’t either. “Upset really isn’t the word.” She continued to pace. “They are from the Tallige Tribe out of Ohio. I don’t know, it was very strange. She spoke to her grandson in Cherokee but it was almost like she knew I’d understand the language.”

“Did you let her know you do?”

“Yes but I what really surprised me was she guessed I was from North Carolina.”

“Oh.” He thought a minute. “How do you suppose she guessed that?”

Ayasha stopped pacing. “I really don’t know. I kept replaying the meeting in my mind all day but I just don’t know.”

“What else?” He could tell she was holding something back.

Slowly she returned to her seat next to him. “We talked for a few minutes then as I was getting ready to leave she handed me a small bag and said it was for my fire.”

“For your fire?”

Suddenly Ayasha released all her thoughts, speaking quickly. “Gee when she said that the first thing that came to my mind was our fires, you know? Maybe that was silly but it did. I told her I didn’t understand but the way she looked at me…anyway she went on to tell me about the New Moon ceremony her people practice. I’d heard about it but really didn’t understand its importance. She said that the kindling she’d given me in the bag is several different types of wood. They are burned together during the ceremony and while that is done the Great Spirit is asked for direction. Nothing is asked for other than direction.”

“You think she was letting you know that you need direction?”

Ayasha smiled sadly, “I do need direction, I need direction in regards to helping you find your way back to your life.”

Gerard sat silently thinking about this for several minutes.

“Maybe I’m reading too much into this.” Ayasha sighed “But damn, it was such a weird feeling I got talking to her.” Suddenly she touched his arm. “Gee, I’ve told you I’ll do anything I can to help you and I mean it. Anything.”

He was confused. “Well of course I know that.”

“Even if it means returning to my roots.”

“Ayasha, I thought you love your Cherokee roots?”

“I do and I don’t.” She frowned getting back up to pace again. “Maybe I’m afraid to face those roots and that I don’t like at all.”

“I’m confused.” He admitted. “Are you saying you aren’t sure we should burn the stuff she gave you?”

“No, I want us to do that.” Ayasha said turning to face him. “I want us to have a fire tonight and ask for direction.”

“Okay, I agree.”

“But I have a feeling it won’t be enough.” She nervously twisted her hands together. “Or maybe it will but either way I did something else.”

“What?”

“I asked Opal and her grandson to visit here tomorrow night before they leave town.”

“Oh” He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. “Do you think she might know something about my situation?”

“I got the distinct impression, like my grandmother, she knows many things. Maybe I’m grasping at straws, maybe none of this means anything but we have to try, you know?”

He smiled sadly, “Honey, you need to stop believing my situation and its outcome is all on your shoulders.”

“I can’t.” She whispered. “Deep in my heart I know you are here for a reason, I know I’m meant to help you.”

“But you have already done that. You’ve made me want to be a better man. You’ve made me realize so many things about myself I’d ignored.”

“But yet, you’ve not returned to your life.”

“Maybe I’m not meant to.”

Ayasha shook her head, “I don’t believe that. I can’t.”

“So they are going to come by tomorrow night.” He said slowly, “Uh, what are you going to say?”

She sat back down. “I’ve been thinking about this. First I just want to see how she reacts when she walks in.”

“You think there is a chance she’ll be able to see me?”

“I doubt it but if I’m right, if she’s like my grandmother was, she’ll sense something. Grandmother could sense things others couldn’t.”

“And you’re hoping that if she does, she’ll be able to help you understand what you think you must do to help me out of the coma?”

Ayasha nodded, “Yes, that is what I’m hoping.”

He placed the camera on the end table then turned to her. “You are so damn beautiful when you’re focused.”

She blinked in confusion. “Focused?”

Pulling her into his arms he smiled, “Yeah, right now you are focused on a plan, a plan to help me and you look beautiful.”

“I’m trying to stay focused on this plan so I don’t let fear take over.” She admitted leaning her head against his chest.

“Fear? Fear that nothing will come of the visit?”

She closed her eyes while hugging him tightly. It wasn’t just fear that nothing would come of Opal’s visit it was also fear of what the outcome might be. “Yes.” She whispered not able to tell him the truth.

“Wow.”

She sat up quickly, “What’s wrong?”

Gerard was shaking his head, “I just realized something.”

“What?”

“Look at what I’m wearing.” He answered.

Her mind had been in such turmoil she hadn’t noticed until now. “Your sweats.”

“Yeah, this is the first time I didn’t return in my original clothes. Wonder why? Do you think this means I was really here on the sofa all day, that I didn’t disappear?”

Ayasha didn’t know what to think. “I don’t know.”

He sighed, “Well I don’t either but it’s strange.”

Strange was not the word Ayasha would have chosen, for some reason this newest development scared her.

He saw the fear in her eyes. “Hey, it don’t make any difference. Besides it makes it easier for me, I don’t have to change into them. Now come on, if we’re gonna have a fire you’re gonna have to get some kindling. We used all of ours up last night.”

“Yes, that is true.” She stood. “But first I’m going to change.”

“And before we go up you’re gonna eat dinner.” He was insistent on this. While she headed towards the bedroom he called out. “Can I look at the bag she gave you?” He wanted to see this wood they were supposed to place on their fire.

“Sure, it’s in my tote.” She answered without turning around.

When she returned a few minutes later he was at the stove but the bag Opal had given Ayasha was laying open on the table.

“Grilled cheese and a cup of tomato soup.” He smiled looking over at her. He was pleased to see she’d changed into her sweats that matched his.

“Sounds good.” She took a seat at the table.

First he set the cup of microwaved soup in front of her then retuned to place her sandwich on a plate. Once it was set on the table he sat down. “Do you know what all these are?” He asked carefully setting the small pieces of wood in a row.

Ayasha took a sip of her soup then spoke. “That one.” She said pointing to a small piece on the end. “That is oak.”

He smiled, “You can tell that by just looking?”

She laughed, “Yes, can’t you?”

“Nope. How about this one?”

Ayasha looked at the piece he’d held up. “Not sure, but that one.” She pointed to the piece by the oak “That one is definitely locust.”

“You can tell by the orange color?” He asked looking at the cut end.

She nodded then picked up her sandwich. After taking a bite she said slowly. “I’m trying to remember all the kinds of wood she named. I remember Ash, sycamore, and maple.”

“Why do you suppose she had this with her? I mean, they are traveling, right?”

“That would be my guess. There are several of these shows and most of the vendors travel from show to show.”

“So we throw this on our fire and then what?”

“I believe we place it on the fire then thank the Great Spirit for all we have.”

“I thought we were asking for direction?”

“That is the only thing we should ask for, nothing more.” Ayasha said softly.

He set the piece of wood down he’d been holding. “So we throw it on the fire, say thanks and ask for directions?”

Her temper flared, “Gee, this isn’t a joke to the Cherokee.”

While he was shocked by her anger he understood it. “Hey, I didn’t mean it to sound like that. I understand that this is an important ritual.”

She sighed, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you. But yes, it is a ritual that is sacred.”

“Did you ever do this before?”

“Not this ritual.” She answered, “But often we would sit around the fire and reflect. But as I got older I refused to be a part of most things on the Res. I was so defiant, so angry.”

“Do you know much about this Opal’s tribe?”

“The Talliage?”

He nodded.

She gave herself a moment to think while chewing on another bite of sandwich. “The Talliage settled in Ohio. Their ancestors did so to escape the Trail of Tears which relocated many Cherokee to Oklahoma.”

Shocked covered his face. “Oh shit. I know about the Trail of Tears but damn, until now I never put it together in my head that it involved the Cherokee.”

Ayasha smiled sadly. “It was so long ago many have forgotten. But it wasn’t just the Cherokee that were forced to relocate. The Indian Removal Act of 1830 also forced other tribes to relocate. However, since more than four thousand Cherokee died in the process of relocation, that is why most associate it with the Cherokee.”

Gerard shook his head, “Such an injustice.”

“It was.” Ayasha said sadly. “So many died in route of disease and starvation. They were forced to leave their homes, leave all they knew so they could be rounded up in Oklahoma.” The anger in her voice was clear, “Yes, they rounded up the savages.”

He sighed, “What was done was beyond wrong.”

She pushed aside he half eaten sandwich. “All through history injustice had plagued many people. That is the way of the world.”

“Don’t make it right.”

“No, but it is just a fact.” She forced herself to smile, “Now, I’ve got to get the kindling.” As she stood she watched his face. “You can just stand by the door.” She knew he was nervous about her leaving the house.

“Sure.” He nodded. “But hold on.” He lifted her camera he’d also set on the table.

“What?”

He pointed the camera and a moment later smiled, “Hey, I can take pictures.” To be honest he wasn’t sure until now if the camera would work for him.

“Why did you take a picture of me?”

He was evasive. “Because you’re beautiful.”

“Oh whatever.” She laughed as she headed for the back door. Once the door was open she turned to see he’d followed her. “This will only take a minute.”

Gerard kissed her quickly. “Go.”

As she walked out a strange feeling suddenly came over him. It was like the air had been sucked out of the room. Forcing himself to be strong he shifted his eyes away from her to the camera. He concentrated on her picture, focused on her eyes.

Ayasha was shocked as she headed back towards the house with the wood in her arms. He wasn’t watching her, he was staring at the camera.

“Gee?”

He looked up to see her standing directly in front of him. “I concentrated on your face, your eyes. It kept the feeling away.”

When he stood back she entered the house. As he closed the door she spoke. “The feeling?”

“When you first walked out it was like all the air in the room was suddenly gone. So I looked at your picture, focused all my concentration on it and well, it worked.” He looked down at the camera again, “I wonder…what would happen if I stared at it when you leave for work?”

She shifted the wood in her arms, “Gee, I don’t think you could stare at a picture for hours.”

“I could if it would keep that fuckin’ darkness away.” He whispered.

For reasons she didn’t understand she didn’t want him dwelling on that thought. “Uh, a little help please?”

“Oh shit, sorry.” He placed the camera on the table then took half of the wood from her arms.

Once they had carefully carried it up to the attic Ayasha started to work on the fire. Gerard went back downstairs to grab the wood from Opal. He quickly stuffed all the pieces back in the bag then headed up to the attic.

When he returned Ayasha was still working on getting the kindling to catch fire.

“Uh, want to use a bit of lighter fluid?”

“No.” She answered without halting he work. “The fire must be pure.”

“Oh.” He sat down by her as she blew on the small embers. Soon they caught and the fire took off.

“See?” She smiled sitting back to look into his eyes.

“Should I open the door?”

Ayasha nodded, “Yes, that would be nice.”

Once the doors were open and the night sky was visible he sat back down. He knew how many hopes she was pinning on this fire and that worried him. “Uh, what now?”

“We will let the fire burn for a few minutes.” She said sitting back. “Then we’ll begin.”

Suddenly a thought came to him. “Uh, can I braid your hair?”

The request caught her off guard. “So I look more Native American?”

“No actually because I like doing it.” He admitted.

Ayasha nodded then turned away from the fire so he could work on the first braid.

“I’m getting the hang of this” He smiled as he secured the first coated band she handed him from her wrist. “Now the other side.”

She turned to face the fire. As he braided her hair she stared into the flames.

“Done.” He announced a few moments later.

He was surprised when she suddenly stood. “I will be right back.”

There was something about the tone of her voice that made him not question her. While she was gone he simply stared into the flames. He was confidant she wouldn’t leave the house so that worry was not on his mind. When he heard her coming back up the steps he turned to look at her. His eyes grew wide when she stopped to pull her sweatshirt over her head. Beneath she wore nothing but the beautiful necklace Tom had given her. His heart started to race as she shimmied out of her sweatpants. Now nude, she resumed her place on the floor by him.

“I had taken the necklace off when I changed.” She explained slowly. “But I remembered what you said earlier.”

“That I wanted to see you wearing only the necklace.” He whispered his voice low and full of emotion.

She nodded. “Yes, but you seem a bit over dressed compared to me.”

His smile was instantaneous. “Suppose I am.” Quickly he stood to discard his clothing than sat back down. His eyes never left her body. Her small perfectly rounded breasts rose and fell, the necklace lying between them looked so right. “You’re so beautiful, thank you.” He whispered.

Ayasha continued to stare into the fire not letting herself look at him. “It is time.”

“What do we do?”

“We will both place the bag on the fire.” She said slowly. “Then we simply stare into the flames and let our minds speak.”

“We don’t speak out loud?”

She shook her head. “No, the words must come from your heart, your mind speaks them. Any answers received will be in your mind.”

“Like a vision?”

“Yes.”

He reached for the bag at his side. Ayasha’s hand came out and they both held it a moment then tossed it onto the fire. As the bag caught, as the wood inside began to burn they stared at the flames.

Gerard stared at the dancing flames without blinking. In his mind he gave thanks for his family, for his friends, for the opportunity to know Ayasha, to love her. Suddenly in his mind a vision formed. He saw himself standing at a crossroads. Dust swirled around him and the wind howled. He looked all around but knew he was alone in this desolate place. In the vision he saw himself asking the wind for direction. Which way should he go, which way should he turn? The howling wind refused to answer. He saw himself shout at the wind then suddenly he heard a whisper saying over and over, “TRUTH” The word angered him. He cursed, he shouted, and then suddenly the sky grew dark, huge storm clouds gathered. “No” he screamed as the wind began to howl picking up the dust from the roads making it impossible to see. Now there was no way to go, no path to choose….

At the same time Ayasha had been thanking the Great Spirit for her mother and grandmother. The thanks were truly from her purest part of her heart. She also gave thanks for Gerard being brought into her life, for the love he’d made her feel. Then she asked for direction, direction to help him. Her prayer was pure, she put aside her own wants, her own desires, her only thought was to help him. Suddenly she saw herself leaving her home. Her heart started beating rapidly, she saw the vision so clearly and it filled her with fear. In that instant she knew she would leave her home and when she returned he would not be waiting for her, he would be gone….