FicWad

This Family Guy fanfic takes place in an Alternate Universe where the Griffins work for a Local Newspaper. After a long hiatus I am finally back with an all new fanfic! So grab yourself a seat and sit back and enjoy the ride!



The characters roles:

Peter - Typesetter, Rookie Reporter, and Janitor

Lois - Snap Shot

Brian - Reporter

Chris - Scoop

Stewie - Editor in Chief

A theme song plays. 'When you gotta have a story. But your canine co-worker gets better ones than you.' A building that reads, "The Quahog Chronicle". In the office sits Stewie Griffin. The editor in chief and the big cheese of the big newspaper in the state of Rhode Island. His employees are Peter Griffin, a bumbling not too bright typesetter who also works as a janitor. Brian Griffin, the best reporter on the newspaper and was great at his job. Lois Griffin, who works as a snap shot and takes photos of crime scenes. Then there's Chris, who's the Scoop.

Peter and Brian come rushing into Stewie's office with some stories for the Quahog Chronicle. Stewie was on the phone, "Yeah, well you don't know who you're dealing with, you assholes of the Providence newspaper! Good bye!" Slamming the receiver into the phone, Stewie sees Peter and Brian.

"Blast! i hate being in competition with Providence! Those people at the Providence Newspaper think they're better than us here in Quahog!" Stewie shouted. "Uhh, Peter and Brian. Got any good stories for the paper! You go first Peter!" Stewie said.

"Yes! Here's one hot off the press! Ta-da!" Peter says handing Stewie a piece of paper. Stewie goes over it and reads, "What the fuck is this shit! An airplane pilot marries a horse! This isn't news! It's trash!" Stewie yells at Peter. "I thought it was going to be big news!" Peter lamented.

"Nobody wants to hear about people marrying horses! If that story gets on our papers, people will think we promote bestailty! Besides you probably embarrassed that airplane pilot!" Stewie scolded Peter.

"Glenn Quagmire is my friend. He wanted me to include his story in our paper!" Peter said. "Hey, Brian. Maybe you can make me feel better. What story do you have?" asks Stewie. "One for the record books, chief Stewie!" Brian announced.

Brian gets an iPAD and he shows Stewie a video he made. "Wow! This is amazing, Brian! What is this, exactly?" asked Stewie.

"It's a Juneteenth Parade!" Brian said. "Excellent! Exactly what this newspaper needs! Brian you got the right stuff! You know exactly what people want to read in the papers!" Stewie says.

"This is something those assholes at Providence can never come up with! Also I thought it would be a way to show that the Quahog Chronicle believes in diversity!" Brian says.

"Oh, Brian! You are my best reporter! I wish Peter could be more like you!" Stewie said. Lois walks into the office. "Sorry Chief Stewie. I haven't been able to find any crime scenes to take pictures of."

"Very well, Lois. There will be other times for that. In the meantime! I want you ALL to find a story for this newspaper. Something that will blow the competition! So The Quahog Chronicle can be the only popular newspaper in the state of Rhode Island! So go to it!" Stewie orders his employees.

"Yes we will!" Peter said. "I want something that people will talk about for years! A story from any of you! Especially you, Peter!" Stewie said in a warning tone.

As Lois, Peter, and Brian depart from Stewie's office, Chris comes in with an ice cream cone.

"What's with the ice cream, Chris?" asked Brian. "Yeah, it isn't breaktime yet." Lois said. "I'm the inside scoop! So I get lots and lots of scoops! With ice cream! Get it!" cracks up Chris. Brian scoffs, "There always has to be some annoying comic relief guy." Peter sighs as he gets a bucket and mop to clean the floors of the Quahog Chronicle.

Scouring the streets of Quahog. Lois tries to look for crime scenes. Then she begins to take pictures of buildings that have been vandalized. Brian, Chris, and Peter walk around trying to get a good story.

"That's the thing about working for the press, a good report comes to you when you least expect it." Brian said. Peter sees Cleveland in a mailman uniform. "You're right, Brian. Take a gander at that mailman!" Peter pointed.

"Why would we want to watch him for?" asked Brian. "He might do something funny!" Peter said. "Oh all right." Brian said rolling his eyes. Watching Cleveland put mail in a mailbox, Peter sees him trip over a rock. Cleveland then tries to keep his balance but fails big time.

"Oh crap! Not today! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" Cleveland yells as he fell onto the concrete with mail all over the place.

Peter uses a pen and paper to write down that a black mail man tripped over a rock. "It'd be easier if you just use an iPAD!" Brian said to Peter.

"Well, I write down the reports I see then I type them on the typewriter." Peter said. Chris runs by them with a button in his hand, "PRESS! PRESS! PRESS! PRESS!" Brian rolls his eyes, "Gosh, him again!"

Lois runs up to Peter and Brian. "Hey, guys! Did you get anything?"

"I did! I got story that Stewie will be proud of!" Peter said.

"Excellent. What is it?" asked Lois. "Uhh, it's a surprise." Peter said. "Okay, Meet you guys back at the Quahog Chronicle!" Lois tells them. From far away, Brian hears a commotion.

"Shhh. Peter listen to that!" Brian hushed. "Where is that noise coming from?" asked Peter. "Sounds like it's coming from the high school!" Lois said. "That's it! Think we have a story! Come on lets roll!" Brian said.

Chris is on the ground rolling on the concrete, "Let's roll!" Brian grunts, "Uhhh! There he goes again!" "Doesn't he even know what an Inside Scoop is?" Lois agrees with Brian.

Going into Brian's car, they all drove to James Woods High School. There was a riot going on in the football field. Running out of the car, Brian begins to take pictures of the riot on an iPAD. "HA! BINGO!" Brian said. Chris sang to Brian, "Bingo was his name-o!" What Brian found out was the riot was caused by a rival team member beating up a mascot. Then Chris, Peter, Lois, and Brian all report back to the Quahog Chronicle.

In the writing room, Peter was on his typewriter. Writing down the news he picked up about a mailman tripping over a rock. Peter runs into Stewie's office. "This better be good, Peter." Stewie said.

"This one's the best ever!" Peter says. Brian and Lois then run in. "Check out these crime scene photos I took. Someone had been vandalizing!" Lois shows Stewie.

Brian hands Stewie the riot he filmed. Going over all the reports, Stewie was impressed with Brian's and Lois's. "A riot at a high school football game! Crime scene photos of spraypainted skyscrapers! I love it!" Stewie said with glee.

"Did you take a look at mine yet?" asked Peter.

Stewie looks at Peter's report. What Peter wrote made Stewie's blood broil. "Uhhh, so. About my report?" asked Peter.

"What the fucking hell is THIS!" Stewie roars.

"A real story that people will go for!" said Peter.

"Black mailman trips over a rock?! Every story you get is like something from a Woody Allen movie!" Stewie said.

Brian, Lois, and Chris were always afraid to stand up to Stewie.

"Black man trips over a rock! People are going to think we're racist!" Stewie repeated as he yelled at Peter. "I did my best." Peter says.

"Your best isn't good enough. I'm giving you one more chance Peter Griffin!" Stewie said.

"OKay I'll take it." Peter shook nervously.

"If you don't give me a good story by the end of the week! You're fired! You get me!" Stewie shouted at Peter.

"Yes chief!" Peter cries. "Don't call me chief!" Stewie yelled.

Sadly walking out of Stewie's office. Peter was beside himself. "Why can't I get a good story! Why is Brian always one upping me!"

Lois comes up to Peter. "I think I may know of someone who can help." Lois said handing Peter a piece of paper with an address and phone number on it. Brian assures Peter, "Relax old buddy. You'll get a good story soon."

Stewie walks out of his office, "Hey, Lois. What are you doing? Encouraging Peter to get more bad stories?"

"No, as a friend. I am just trying to help him out." Lois tells Stewie.

"Well you better be helping him. Peter Griffin is the reason why our newspaper is failing!" Stewie shouted. "Oh no! This is the worst day of my life!" Peter sobbed. "There there, old chum. It's only Monday. We got until Friday to get you a good report." Brian said.

As Stewie walked out of the building to go home for the day. Peter reads the address.

"This is for a witch doctor." said Peter. "I think we ought to go for it. Maybe this witch doctor can give you the skills you need to get great stories." Brian said.

Meanwhile at the Providence Newspaper. The editor in chief Ernie the Chicken along with his reporters. James Woods and Meg Griffin were looking at the report about the High School Football riot that Brian released is the front page news of the Quahog Chronicle.

Ernie laughs, "They just don't want to give up, do they?" James Woods says, "Never will they admit that we're the better newspaper in the state!"

"Maybe we ought to give them some news." Meg said. "Those people in Quahog think they're better than us. Well I say maybe we ought to make one of them disappear!" Ernie the Chicken said.

"Great idea. But who? That dog. He seems to be the best at what he does." James Woods informs.

"Nah, I say we get the worst guy on the paper! That fat dude named Peter Griffin!" Ernie the Chicken said. "That is a great plan!" Meg said.

James Woods says, "Yes. If we make Peter Griffin vanish from sight. We can have the whole state distracted while we pull a heist. A heist that we shall rob the city of Quahog!"

Ernie the Chicken says, "Those people at the Quahog Chronicle will be so busy trying to look for Peter Griffin, they'll never know what's really going on!"

Meg, Ernie the Chicken and James Woods all laugh in a diabolical sense.


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En route to the Witch Doctor, Brian was driving. Peter kept complaining about how mean Stewie the Editor in Chief was.

"I gotta tell you, Brian. Stewie reminds me of John C Reilly from Never Been Kissed." Peter bemoaned. "Well, while on the subject of newspaper movies. As soon as we see this Witch Doctor. You and I are going to be Newsies!" laughs Brian.

"That's easy for you to say. I've always hated that you always got better stories for the paper and I did." Peter said. "I understand how you feel. However I am not the one who dropped out of Journalism School." Brian told his friend.

"It was boring man! Thought it was going to be like college! Where people can party!" Peter says. "Do I remember that or what. All you did in Journalism School was jump off roof tops into swimming pools like you were Billy Crudup in Almost Famous!" Brian recalls.

"Just trying to stir things up." Peter said. "Dropping out of Journalism School was indeed your great downfall Peter. You're lucky I even talked to Stewie and put in a good word for you to work at the Quahog Chronicle!" Brian tells Peter.

"Well, this was the only job I can get. Thanks for that, Brian!" Peter said. "Let's hope you can keep your job and work with us some more. Oh look! Here's that Witch Doctor Lois recommended." Brian said as he drove up to the Witch Doctor's parking lot. Parking the car, Brian and Peter both walked up to the small building.

"Will this Witch Doctor be like the one Alvin And The Chipmunks always sang about?" Peter pondered. "Great! That's the fourth joke I heard today! You're almost as bad as Chris!" Brian said. Peter ad Brian entered the Witch Doctor's office that was inside the small building.

Inside the Witch Doctor was doing a tribal dance. "Ooh Eee Ooh Ahh Ahh! Ting Tang Walla Walla Bang Bang...." then abruptly stopped once Brian and Peter entered.

"Gentlemen. What can I do for you today?" asked the Witch Doctor. "Yes, we do need your help." implied Brian.

"OKay, what's the issue here?" the Witch Doctor asks.

"I'm on the verge of losing my job as a reporter for the newspaper." Peter said. "That's it. Peter here keeps getting reports of insignificant incidents that angers our boss." Brian said.

"Oh okay. You came to the right place then. Sit down gentlemen." The Witch Doctor said.

Peter and Brian both sit on the floor on pillows.

"What you need is for one of you is to have super powers." Witch Doctor informed them.

"Super Powers? We were hoping that you could conjure up a spell that can make Peter get better stories for our paper." Brian said.

"Nope, super powers here is the solution. Now which one of you is the more responsible one?" asks the Witch Doctor.

"Well I don't like to toot my own horn, I am!" Peter says. Brian stands up, "As you can see..." The Witch Doctor stops Brian from saying anything more. "I already know it's you, Dog. It's obvious that your friend here wants the powers but I can tell that he would be reckless if I gave him the powers." Witch Doctor tells them both.

"Ahh, dammit!" Peter said.

"Trust me on this. You dog! The powers will go to you!" the Witch Doctor tells Brian who then waves his magic staff and points it at Brian. A light ray glimmers on Brian and goes into his body.

Brian says, "Woah. What is the purpose of these powers you gave me?"

"As long as you have the powers, your friend will get better stories." The Witch Doctor said.

"So more or less Brian is going to become a superhero? We can be like the characters from Superman?" asked Peter.

"Of course. These super powers will enable your dog to become a hero named Super Labrador!" the Witch Doctor said. "When will I know what the right time is to use these powers?" asked Brian. "You'll know. The moment will hit you in the face." The Witch Doctor answered.

"Okay then. Thanks so much for your help." Brian said shaking the hands of the Witch Doctor. As they exit the building. Peter and Brian walk back to the car.

"I was hoping he'd give me the superpowers." Peter said. "You heard him. The powers have to go to the one who's more competent." Brian said.

"Great! You get to be Underdog while I have to be Jack Unger." Peter said. "Let's just go back to the Quahog Chronicle and see what Stewie wants us to do next." Brian said.

The next day. Brian and Peter reported for work at the Quahog Chronicle. They were in Stewie's office. While they were talking to Stewie about their next assignment Meg, James Woods and Ernie the Chicken were spying on them.

"When are we going to nab Peter Griffin?" asked James Woods.

"As soon as he walks out of the newspaper building. Then tries to get a story." said Ernie the Chicken.

"Wouldn't this be more better if we kidnapped Brian instead?" asked Meg.

"NO! You dumb bitch! Out of the question! It has to be Peter we get! Besides, bumbling morons are better targets for kidnappings! Ever watch Danger Mouse?" asked James Woods.

"Okay, all right. Peter it is." Meg said.

"What should we do until then?" asked James Woods.

"We wait." Ernie the Chicken said.



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Stewie was in his office about to send Peter and Brian out to get a report. As they were going to inside Stewie's office. "Uhh, Stupid Lenscrafters glasses!" Stewie groaned as he was polishing his eyeglasses.

"I assume that Witch Doctor helped Peter in some way." Stewie said. "Yes it did." said Brian. "Yep, thanks to the Witch Doctor, Brian is going to help me get better stories for the paper." said Peter. "In fact, the Witch Doctor gave me some powers!" "Yes, these powers will come in handy when the time calls for it." said Peter.

"Good, I'm very glad." Stewie said still polishing his eyeglasses and then when he was done, Stewie shouted, "GET OUT!!!"

Peter and Brian were about to go into Brian's car. Then Lois pulls up with her car.

"You guys! You guys! I just back from a crime scene!" said Lois.

"Really? Where?" Brian asked. "I'll take you there. Boy, Stewie is going to be so impressed!" Lois said with excitement.

On the way to the crime scene, which was a house in a residential neighborhood. There was an outline of a body drawn with chalk on the concrete. Blood spats were around the concrete. Joe Swanson had some man in handcuffs. "What seems to be the problem?" asked Brian.

"This man through his wife out the window!" said Joe. "That bitch got what was coming to her! I found her in bed fucking another man! I would've killed him too!" protested the man. "All right, you're going away for a long time, Mr. Miller!" Joe said leading Mr. Miller away. Chris came onto the scene.

"Now his name is Mr. Killer!" laughed Chris. Lois ignoring Chris's jokes tells Peter and Brian. "This place is a gold mine for a story for the paper! And I got the crime scene photos to prove it!"

"Get to work, men! And woman!" Brian said.

Chris sees the chalk drawing of where the dead woman was. "This is like that scene in the first Naked Gun movie!" Chris proceeds to take some of the blood and put it on his lips. "Look at this beautiful lipstick!" Chris joked around. Lois shouts, "Chris! That's enough! This is serious business!"

Peter takes out his pen and paper. "This is going to be a Holy Freaking Sweet story for our paper!" Brian takes out his iPAD, "Uhhh, Peter. Why do you never use an iPAD?" Then bells rang across the street. Which got Peter's attention.

"Did you guys hear those bells? Maybe that's another story we can get!" Peter said. "We'll check that out later. For now let's focus on this." Brian orders Peter.

"Right!" Peter salutes. The bells loud ringing grew louder and louder. As Chris, Lois, and Brian were scouring the murder scene, Peter runs to the sound of the bells. The ringing was coming from a Catholic Church.

"Fuck that crime scene. Now is the time to get a real story! What's causing those noisy bells!" Peter said.

Inside the Bell Tower of the Catholic Church there was James Woods and Ernie the Chicken.

"YES! YES! We got him now!" Ernie the Chicken said. "Keep ringing those bells, bitch!" James Woods yelled at Meg who was ringing the bells thus getting tired.

"Okay." Meg said sadly.

Peter finds himself running inside the church. The bells were still ringing like crazy. "Hello? Hello! This is Peter Griffin from the Quahog Chronicle! I'm here to investigate those noisy bells!" Peter announcing himself but nobody answers back.

Feeling lost and confused. Peter is wondering who or what is causing the bells to ring. Ernie the Chicken sneaks up behind Peter. "Hmmm. Bell ringing and nobody is here...."

Ernie the Chicken hits Peter on the head with a mallet. Peter was knocked out. James Woods and Meg soon came to join him.

"HA! I knew the bells would work!" James Woods said. "We got this dumbass son of a bitch now!" Ernie The Chicken says.

"Now that we got him. What are we going to do with him?" asks Meg.

"Hide him away in a sewer." Ernie the Chicken said. "Yes we shall. Now the Quahog Chronicle is going to be so concerned to find their precious ally. They won't notice a real crime story going on!" James Woods cackled.

"Exactly! Then our newspaper in Providence will be the most popular newspaper in Rhode Island!" Meg said.

Ernie the Chicken and James Woods carry Peter into their car. With Meg tagging along.

"Fuck, how much does this fatass weigh!?" James Woods grunted as he struggled to get Peter's fat body into their car.

"Just stuff him in the trunk!" Ernie the Chicken said.

Still on the murder crime scene. Brian filmed the whole thing on his iPAD. "We're done here. Come along, Peter"!

"Oh no! Where's Peter?" asked Lois. Chris, Lois, and Brian soon take notice that Peter had disappeared.

"Hey wait. He heard those bells while we were here. You don't suppose..." Brian says. "Oh my you're right. He must've went to that Catholic Church. He always gets distracted by silliness like that." Lois perceived.

"Church hey? That reminds me of something! The Church Lady from Saturday Night Live! Anyone remember her! Well, isn't that special!" Chris jokes around some more.

"God dammit Chris! Can't you be serious for once!" Lois yells at Chris.

"Here's the game plan. We'll go over to the Catholic Church and see if Peter turned up there." Brian said.

"All right. If we don't don't find him soon, Peter will end up in the Missing Persons Report." Lois said.

Chris said, "Stewie won't miss him that's for sure."

Lois and Brian look at Chris with contempt.

"Why are you guys looking at me like that? Just stating the obvious!" Chris bemoaned.

Lois, Chris, and Brian all decide to try to look for any sign of Peter in the Catholic Church.


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At the Providence Newspaper. Ernie the Chicken and James Woods had a bunch of people in cat burglar outfits on. They were commanding them as if they were an army.

"Gentlemen! Listen up! We gathered you all here today because we hired you all to pull off the heist of the century." Ernie the Chicken said.

"Without further ado, we have captured one of the employees from the Quahog Chronicle. That one called Peter Griffin." James Woods says to the cat burglars.

"The point is while they, the employees at the Quahog Chronicle are looking for him. That is when you all come in....." Ernie the Chicken says.

"Indeed, we all brought you here today because we are going to have you commit highway robbery! You guys will break into any business, store, bank, whatever and steal as much money as you can!" James Woods says.

"Then whatever money you can steal, give it to us! So that way we use the money to make our newspaper business the best one on the Eastern Seaboard! Understand!" Ernie the Chicken said.

"SIR! YES SIR!" the cat burglars said in unison.

"Get out there and bring us some cash!" Ernie the Chicken ordered the cat burglars.

The cat burglars all ran out to do their mission as James Woods and Ernie The Chicken advised them to. Ernie the Chicken decides to call Meg.

"MEG GRIFFIN!"

Running into the room, Meg said, "You wanted to see me, sir?"

"Is Peter Griffin locked away in the sewers?" asked Ernie The Chicken.

"Yes you bet he is, sir. There's no way out for him." said Meg.

"Good Good. Maybe you are good for something...." James Woods says.

"Wonder if our friends at the Quahog Chronicle had noticed Peter Griffin is gone...." Ernie the Chicken says.

Waking up, finding himself in a sewer. Peter Griffin finds himself in unfamiliar surroundings.

"Uhh, hello? Hello? Am I in hell? Did I die? Satan?" Peter calls out. Running around, Peter soon realizes he's in a sewer.

"How did I get here? Who put me in here? Was it Stewie? He's always had it out for me. Oh my gosh! I'm trapped. Trapped in a ........SSSSEEEEWWWWWEEEERRRRR!!!!!!!!!" Peter screams his head off.

At the Catholic Church, Lois Chris, and Brian try to find any sign of Peter.

"Peter? Peter? You here?" Lois calls. Brian uses his nose.

"Is that your Spidey sense?" Chris asks.

"I smell trouble." Brian said. "Want to know a stupid movie? I Love Trouble! Don't watch it! It's toxic waste!" Chris said still joking around.

"God dammit Chris! Peter might be missing and all you can think of is jokes!" Lois screeches at Chris.

"From what I can sniff out, I think Peter might've been abducted." Brian said. "Oh no. That's terrible." Lois said with concern. "If I had to have a clue...." Brian was about to finish. Then he saw a piece of Peter's shirt and a worker's badge.

"Yikes! Looks like Peter exploded into bits!" Chris said.

"No not quite, Chris." Brian said, picking up the piece of Peter's shirt and the work badge. "Looks like signs f a struggle. This workers badge is from....James Woods from the Providence Newspaper! Our rivals!"

"That's probably who made him disappear." Lois said. "Come on, let's go back to the Quahog Chronicle and report it to Stewie." Brian suggested. "Yes, in the meantime. We'll tell Stewie the bad news." Lois said.

Chris drives Brian and Lois back to the Quahog Chronicle. Driving back nobody none of them noticed the cat burglars were running around robbing everything in plain sight.

A day had passed. Peter still remained in the sewers trying to find a way out. "Oh gosh! I had the spend the night here. Why hasn't anyone tried to find me yet? HELP! HELP!" Peter screamed in hopes someone would hear him. Nobody ever came.

When Lois, Chris, and Brian informed Stewie of the bad news about Peter's disappearance. As usual, Stewie was none to happy about it. Lois even showed some pictures of the Catholic Church where they tried to find Peter. "All that was left is a piece of his shirt and this badge from the Providence Newspaper." Lois tells him.

"Peter Griffin is missing! Well go find him!" Stewie demanded. "I thought you hated him." Brian said. "Well I need someone to clean this fucking mess up in my office! That's why when he's found I am demoting him to permanent janitor!" Stewie shouted.

"We're on the job and you know we will find him." Lois said. Chris begins to clean up Stewie's messy office. "What the hell are you doing?" Stewie asked Chris. "Playing 52 Pick Up!" laughs Chris. "Blast! I don't know who is worst. Peter for giving us insignificant stories for our newspaper or Chris being an annoyingly unfunny comic relief!" Stewie implies.

"I guess we will just have to confront The Providence Newspaper." Brian said. "No that's a no-win situation Brian. If we ask them they could probably just deny it." Lois said. "You're right. If we ask them if they were involved with Peter vanishing, it will be a he said she said thing and their own against ours." Brian said.

"Come outside people! I know a way we can get Peter back!" Chris said.

"Okay we'll trust you, but please no funny business." Brian said.

Following Chris outside, Brian and Lois ask Chris what his scheme was to get Peter back. Chris gets out a record player and a vinyl record.

"Chris! What did we say just know about funny business!" Brian said. "Yeah, don't you ever fucking listen to anyone?" asked Lois.

"Calm down. I know what I am doing." Chris says. "What are you doing?" Brian rolls his eyes. Chris shows them the vinyl record. "This is a Sound Effects Record. It makes funny sounds that can lure people out of their houses. Once Peter hears this. He'll have to come out for sure."

"Fine. Do what you have to do." Lois tells Chris. "Hey, it was either this or Ray Stevens The Streak." Chris said. "Would've preferred that." Brian said cynically.

Playing the vinyl on a record player. Chris turns up the volume to full blast. "Ha ha! I just Pump Up The Volume!" "Enough! Just try to get Peter to come back!" Lois screeches.

The record plays, a Tarzan Battle Cry was heard. Peter from the sewers hears it. "Aww sweet! I'm going to get rescued by Tarzan!" Peter said with happiness.

Unfortunately, the Sound Effects Record attracted the attention of the Cat Burglars. Not for too long because they just went right back to robbing.

Then the record plays a traffic jam. Then a penny whistle. Then a burping and farting sound. "Yep those are Peter's favorite noises all right." Brian said. "I know. He should've been running to us about now." Lois said.

Peter heard the Sound Effects record, as delighted as he was to hear the sounds. He knew there was no way out of the sewer. "If only I can get out of here. Fuck! What is taking Tarzan so long? Gosh! Tarzan is full of shit!" Peter said.

The Sound Effects Record also plays a Godzilla roar. Then a sound of a rocketship going up then an Atom Bomb. "Give it up Chris! It's not working!" Lois says. "Just give it another chance!" Chris replies. "No sign of Peter." Brian stated.

Back in the sewers, Peter being absent by being stuck in the sewers contemplates what and how his fellow co-workers were doing without him.

"Oh. Stewie, Chris, Lois, and Brian. What are you guys up to this time?" Peter whines.

The Sound Effects Record plays a Toilet Flushing sound. As Peter heard it, he says, "And don't forget to wash your hands."

Brian stops the Sound Effects record. "Hey, what gives!" Chris said. "It's not working." Lois said. Brian then sees some cat burglars. "Holy crap look!"

Chris, Brian, and Lois see the cat burglars. "Oh my! What has our town turned into?" asked Lois. "More stories for our paper that's what!" Brian said.

"But what about Peter?" asked Chris. "Never mind him for now. All we need to do is report this to Stewie. Come follow me! Brian said.


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Three days have gone by. Peter still remained in the sewers. James Woods, Ernie the Chicken, and Meg Griffin were watching from a computer how their plan was working accordingly.

"Soon the town of Quahog will be bankrupt!" Ernie the Chicken smirked. "Oh yes indeed. Those cat burglars will give us money to turn our newspaper into an evil organization!" James Woods chuckled.

"Check out our victim, Peter!" Meg points to the computer. Ernie the Chicken and James Woods watched Peter from the computer. "Wow! Look how hopeless and helpless he looks!" Ernie the Chicken said. "Our plan is finally working!" James Woods says.

What the Providence Newspaper didn't know was that since Peter went missing and the cat burglars have been going around. Their rivals the Quahog Chronicle was actually getting some stories that were keeping people interested.

What Meg was about to find out. "Oh no!" Meg screamed. "What is it?" Ernie the Chicken said.

"I just read the Quahog Chronicle is actually going up in sales!" Meg said. "NO!" James Woods slammed his fist against the armrest. "Give me that." James Woods grabs the computer away from Meg.

"No! NO! NO! She's right!" James Woods reads the reviews.

"That's very shitty ass news." Ernie the Chicken said.

"But still. Nobody suspects it was us who made Peter vanish and we were the ones who sent out those cat burglars!" Meg said.

"SHUT UP MEG!" Ernie the Chicken and James Woods shout at their female cohort.

"You have failed us for being the baron of bad news!" Ernie the Chicken shouted at Meg.

"Sorry. It isn't my fault...." Meg apologized.

"Doesn't matter! Into the boiling ink you go!" James Woods said. Carrying Meg into the boiling ink, she screams in protest.

James Woods and Ernie the Chicken throw Meg into the boiling vat of boiling ink. "Guess we will have to destroy The Quahog Chronicle." Ernie the Chicken suggested. "You're right. So that way we'll be the only ones in Rhodie Island and the Eastern Seaboard that people will rely on for newspapers!" James Woods says. Meg's dead body floated to the top of the boiling ink. Meg was dead.

"Good! One less thing to worry about." Ernie the Chicken said. "Guess she won't be 'stopping the presses' anymore!" James Woods cackled.

In the sewers Peter kept slamming his fists in the walls. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I PROMISE IF I EVER GET OUT I'LL BE A BETTER TYPESETTER AND REPORTER!"

Lois was on the computer going over the reviews. "Can't believe this. Not only has Peter been on the Missing Persons Report for the past few days. Our sales have been going up because of these Cat Burglars!"

"I already knew that! But one problem remains..." Stewie said pacing in his office.

"What's that!?" Brian asked.

"Who the fuck sent out those cat burglars anyway!" Stewie screamed.

"It doesn't matter now. Don't you get it?" Brian asked.

"Don't I get WHAT!" Stewie spouted off. "As long as these cat burglars keep robbing the town. And Peter is never found, we are getting people interested in reading the paper again!" Brian said.

"Unacceptable! I told you assholes to go out and find Peter. More important! Find out who hired those cat burglars too!" Stewie demands.

Chris zips by on a scooter, "Just scooting by! Don't mind me!"

Stewie pushes a file cabinet into the floor and yelled angrily.

"You better find a way to get Peter back." Stewie warned them. "And you stop with that constant comedy! Take a hint, YOU'RE NOT FUNNY!" Stewie yelled in Chris's face.

"Do you want us to go check out the robberies too?" Lois asked nervously.

"ABSOLUTELY!" Stewie screamed.

"OKay we're on it." Lois promised. As they were going out of Stewie's office, he hollared, "If you guys can't find Peter or stop those robberies, you're ALL FIRED!" Walking outside the Quahog Chronicle Building. Lois and Brian didn't know what to do.

"We're doing so well." Brian said. "I know." Lois answered. "No matter what we do, even before all this chaos began. Nothing we can do can make Stewie happy." Brian says.

"You're telling me. If only there was some way..." Lois says and then she paused and remembered the Witch Doctor.

"Are you having a train of thought, Lois?" asked Brian. "That Witch Doctor you and Peter went to. Didn't you say he gave you some super powers?" Lois asked.

"You're right. I completely forgot about that." Brian recalls. "Well, if you can use your powers to find Peter. Then defeat these cat burglars and find out who's behind it all. Then our problems will be solved!" Lois speaks out.

Brian stands tall, "This looks like a job for......."

Lois watches as Brian takes off his coat and tie by pulling it sideways. Underneath it reveals that Brian has on a Superhero Outfit complete with tights, boots, and a cape that looked like a cross between Batman's and Superman's outfits.

Brian has the letters, "SL" imprinted on the chest of the outfit. Brian shouts, "SUPER LABRADOR!" Lois wrings her hands in admiration as she watching Brian now Super Labrador fly into the sky.

"Wow! Brian looks kind of smoking hot in that superhero outfit! I'd so fuck him if I were into beastality!" Lois said to herself. Chris causally sits down next to Lois.

"Awesome! I didn't know Krypto The Superdog was in town!" Chris observes.



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Flying above in the skies of Quahog. Brian, who was now known as Super Labrador announcing himself, "I AM SUPER LABRADOR!" After he did that, Brian was now going to take a dive. As Brian aka Super Labrador sees the cat burglars running in and out of businesses. Brian says to himself, "Hmm. I need to think of some generic universal catchphrase a superhero says when they try to stop the bad guys."

A Cat Burglar says, "You think the bosses will like this jewelry?" "No you fucktard! We weren't supposed to steal jewelry! We were supposed to steal money!" The other Cat Burglar said. "It's gold so that's gotta count for something, right?" said the First Cat Burglar. "Just one thing though. THAT JEWELRY YOU STOLE WAS FOR WOMEN! YOU A HOMOSEXUAL OR SOMETHING!" the other Cat Burglar screamed at him.

Brian flies down beside the two cat burglars. "Halt Evildoers!" "Holy shit! Who the fuck is this loser?" the second cat burglar said. The first cat burglar laughs, "What does that SL stand for? Sign Language?" The second cat burglar joined in, "Yeah more like Sore Loser!"

"If you must know, I am SUPER LABRADOR! I am here to stop your in your tracks!" Brian tells both the cat burglars who still laugh at him. "Just wait until you see what I can do! Then you'll see how serious I am!" Brian dares them. The cat burglars shoot their guns at Brian. They were stunned at how the bullets bounced off Brian.

"AWW Shit! This is way too fucking real!" The first cat burglar yelled.

"You want to see real? I'll show you real!" Brian said. Super Labrador delivers a powerful punch that knocks out both the cat burglars. One of them was still awaken but injured.

"You will tell me everything! I demand to know why you are robbing the town!" Brian said.

The First Cat Burglar said, "James Woods and Ernie the Chicken sent us to rob everything in sight. So they can have money to turn their Newspaper into an evil origination!" "That's all I want to know!" Brian said.

Using his Super Labrador Powers to stop all the other Cat Burglars, Brian discovered he had an ability to go fast, kick and punch thugs into the sky. Sending lots of Cat Burglars into comas. Using his speed, Brian gave back all the money to the businesses. People came running out to get it all.

Brian tells the people running to get the money, "Now remember good citizens. That money goes back to the businesses in which they belong!" "Awww." The Quahog citizens groaned. "I was going to put some of this money for an early retirement plan!"

Once the money that was stolen from businesses was given back. Brian flies over to Providence. To put an end to Ernie The Chicken's and James Woods's evil plans.

Watching Brian as Super Labrador flying towards Providence. Ernie the Chicken and James Woods were punching walls.

"DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT! How did this happen!" James Woods yells. "That super dog came from nowhere and destroyed our evil plan!" Ernie the Chicken joins in.

Brian breaks into the Providence Newspaper Building and confronts Ernie the Chicken.

"What do you want!" Ernie the Chicken screams. "Where's Peter Griffin!" demands Brian. "OKay fine. We had him hidden away in the sewers." James Woods confesses.

"Good! That's all I want to know. Now that I've deterred your diabolical scheme. Now I am going to deter you!" Brian said charging at James Woods and Ernie the Chicken.

"GET HIM!" Ernie the Chicken yells. "That SL on your supersuit is going to stand for So Long when we eliminate you!" James Woods said.

Ernie the Chicken tries like hell to stop Brian, but Brian was too fast for him. James Woods tries to throw the boiling ink at him. Brian dodges it. Ernie the Chicken runs into a room and comes out with a dumbbell.

"Try to see if you could stop us now!" Ernie the Chicken says throwing the dumbbell at Brian. James Woods was amazed as Brian took the dumbbell and bended it in half. James Woods and Ernie the Chicken were both standing in a corner scared shitless.

"Time for a Labrador Packed Punch!" Brian takes out his fist and punches both Ernie the Chicken and James Woods that sent them flying out of the Providence Newspaper Building and into the moon. Brian laughs at what he had done.

"Just like that Allan Parsons Project video!" Brian says. Then Brian uses his powers to fly around the Providence Newspaper Building and revamps it to make it look good as new. Brian then puts a sign up in from of the Providence Newspaper Building that says "HELP WANTED".

"This Newspaper will now hire good people now!" Brian said. The citizens of Providence clap for Brian as he flies into the sky to rescue Peter Griffin.

"SUPER LABRADOR AWAY!"

In the sewers, things looked grim for Peter Griffin. "Nobody has even bothered to look for me. I've done nothing but eat bugs and rats just o survive. Maybe I'm finally getting what I deserve. Stewie is right. I am the worst newspaper typesetter and reporter ever. I'll understand if he wants me to be a janitor." Peter mopes to himself.

As luck would have it, Brian as Super Labrador breaks into the sewers and frees Peter from his prison.

"BRIAN! You came!" Peter said.

"Yes I have. As the Joker said to Harley Quinn, let's go home!" Brian said. "That Witch Doctor sure came through!" Peter said. Holding onto Peter's hand. Brian flies Peter out of the sewer. Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire laugh at it.

"Look at Peter being rescued by a male super hero!" laughed Quagmire.

"That is so gay!" Cleveland cracked up.

Joe says, "Guess that makes Peter a damsel in distress!"


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The next day at the Quahog Chronicle. The story in the newspaper about Super Labrador becomes front page news. Everyone in Quahog likes the newspaper again.

"Well I gotta hand it to you. I'm pleased as punch! Our newspaper is popular once again!" Stewie said.

"Does this mean I don't have to be a janitor?" Peter asked.

"Nope you and Brian are now Ace reporters!" Stewie said.

"Aww, sweet!" Peter said. "But you still need to have Brian go with you to get stories." Stewie informs Peter.
"That sounds good to me!" Brian said. "Yeah, fair enough. I'm pretty much nothing without him!" said Peter.

"And I'll be there to take pictures of the scene of the crime!" Lois said.

"Just one question. Who did you give the janitor job to?" asked Brian. "The scoop!" Stewie said.

Chris comes in with a garbage can and throws away the trash in Stewie's waste paper basket.

"I'm a Man At Work! Just like that Emilio Estavez and Charlie Sheen movie! Get it!" laughed Chris. "So from now on, whenever there's trouble, Super Labrador my alter ego will be on the double!" Brian said.

Lois, Stewie, Brian, and Peter all laugh. Stewie breaks out a champagne bottle.

"A Toast! To The Quahog Chronicle being the number one newspaper. And Brian for being Super Labrador!" Stewie said.

"A TOAST!" everyone joins in. Clacking the goblets full of champagne.

The scene changes into Brian standing on top of the Quahog Chronicle in his Super Labrador super suit. A voiceover says.

"Thanks to this brave heroic dog. The Quahog Chronicle's sales have now gone sky high. Whenever there is danger, Super Labrador will be there. Defender of the weak, Challenger of evil. Super Labrador will fight for the citizens of Quahog for Truth, Justice, and the Rhode Island Way!"