FicWad

a Mad Jack The Pirate fanfic. It will have some mature themes. So get ready.


The Sea Chicken bobbed precariously on the brine, its wood rotting at a rate that matched Mad Jack’s dwindling patience. Jack, a man whose reputation for cowardice was only surpassed by his penchant for spectacularly failed schemes, adjusted his hat and glared at the horizon.


"Snuk! You dimwitted rodent!" Jack barked, gesturing toward a brass tube protruding from the deck. "Try out the new periscope I traded our last three dildos for. I want to see if there's any gold—or at least a sandwich—in the vicinity."

Snuk, a rat who wore his stupidity like a comfortable sweater, trotted over and peered into the lens. "Looking North, Captain! Just a lot of wet stuff. Looking South! Still wet. Looking East! Ooh, a seagull! No, wait, it’s a floating boot."

"Check the West, you furry failure!"

Snuk swiveled the tube. "Uh, Captain? There’s a giant, glowing metal plate that looks like some Ecstacy pills hovering over the water. It looks like it’s looking for a parking spot."

Before Jack could craft a witty insult, a beam of light snatched them from the deck. They found themselves inside a cold, metallic room filled with blinking lights.

"We’ve been abducted, Snuk!" Jack shrieked, hiding behind the rat and using him as a furry shield. "I’m too handsome to be probed! Think of the complexion!"

The UFO suddenly lurched. A stray comet, drifting through the vacuum with impeccable comedic timing, slammed into the craft. With a scream that transcended the sound barrier, the duo was propelled across the galaxy until they crash-landed on a world of neon colors and humming electricity: the planet Aipotu.

As they stumbled out of the wreckage, Jack gasped. They weren't surrounded by aliens, but by household chores. A sentient Dishwasher rattled past, and a group of Toasters began whispering in low, browning tones.

"Halt, fleshy ones!" boomed a tall Floor Lamp, its bulb flickering with authority. Beside him stood a Stereo, its speakers thumping with a rhythmic greeting. "You are the Chosen Ones foretold by the Great Warranty! You must save Princess Microwave from the clutches of the Raven King."

"I don't do 'saving,'" Jack muttered, looking for an exit. "Unless there's a heavy reward involved. Does this 'Warranty' cover gold doubloons, or perhaps a lifetime supply of ham?"

"The Raven King wishes to kidnap the Princess and drain her power!" the Stereo chimed. "He haunts our circuits! He’s a total buzzkill!"

Driven by the faint hope of a gold-plated toaster as a reward, Jack and Snuk followed the Lamp and Stereo to the royal palace—a massive structure shaped like a refrigerator. Inside, they met King Blender, a whirling monarch who seemed perpetually set to 'Pulse.'

"Pirates?" the King whirred, his blades spinning in curiosity. "We have no pirates on Aipotu. Only lint and the occasional power surge. You shall protect my daughter while she studies under the tutelage of Dame Computer."

In the royal study, Princess Microwave a sleek, stainless steel model with a charming digital display—was being lectured by Dame Computer. The Dame was an ancient desktop who spoke in a series of dial-up tones and stern pop-up windows. "A Proper Princess Does Not......" she begins.

"Oh, brave heroes!" the Princess pinged, her light glowing a soft green. "The Raven King is a monster. He wants to use my inner radiation for his own dark ends! Plus, he never wipes his feet!"

"Don't you worry, your Highness," Snuk said, trying to salute and accidentally poking his own eye. "Jack here is the bravest man I know. Well, the only man I know who can scream in three different octaves when he sees a spider."

That night, as the castle hummed in sleep, a shadow fell over the Princess’s chamber. The Raven King, a feathered nightmare in a tattered cape, swooped in. With a wave of his claw, he placed the Princess in a deep electronic trance and vanished into the night.

The next morning, Dame Computer’s internal fans whirred in a panic. "ERROR 404: PRINCESS NOT FOUND! PLEASE RESTART YOUR HEROES!" she shrieked.

King Blender was furious. "Find her, Pirates! Or I’ll have you both plugged into a high-voltage outlet! I'll set you to 'Liquefy'! Then feed you to a libertine! We may not have pirates but we sure have pimps!"

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Jack and Snuk set off toward the Dark Fortress, but the journey led them straight into the Valley of the Laundry. Suddenly, the ground began to vibrate with a rhythmic, heavy thumping.

"Is it an earthquake, Captain?" Snuk whimpered.

"No, it's worse," Jack groaned. "It's the spin cycle!"

From behind the jagged lint-cliffs, a pack of feral Washers and Dryers emerged. Their doors swung open like gaping maws, and their dials turned aggressively to 'Heavy Duty.'

"They look hungry, Captain!" Snuk squealed as a Front-Loader snapped its door just inches from his tail. "And I don't even have any stains!"

"They don't want to eat us, Snuk! They want to tumble-dry us to death!" Jack yelled, dodging a rogue, crusty tube sock that flew through the air like a boomerang. "WRONG! We're not going to eat you!" said the washer. "Whatever will do you with us?" Mad Jack demanded.

"If you win this battle you are free to go." Implied the dryer. "What's the bad side?" asked Snuk. "We all force you to star in our porno movie, Maytag Does Aipotu!"


One particularly large Dryer cornered Jack, blowing a blast of 180°C air in his face. "Stand back, you oversized sex fiend!" Jack screamed, swinging his cutlass. The blade just clanged off the enamel. "Snuk! Do something! Throw the detergent! Use the fabric softener!"


"I don't have any!" Snuk panicked, running in circles. "Guess this battle has won!" said the dryer. "Prepare to do a sodomy scene in our porno!" gloated the Washer. "Wait! I have this!" He pulled a half-eaten ham sandwich (which was really a jizz sandwich) from his pocket and threw it into the Washer’s drum.

The Washer hummed in confusion, its sensors struggling to categorize 'Pork or Sex Product' as a delicate or a permanent press. It began to vibrate violently, suds erupting from its soap dispenser like a volcano.

"Now, Snuk! While it’s distracted by the mayo!" Jack grabbed the rat by the tail and swung him like a flail to clear a path through a cluster of agitated Dryers.

"Wheeeee! I'm a projectile!" Snuk yelled. They scrambled up a cliff of discarded dryer sheets, leaving the sudsy ambush behind. "That was close, Captain! I almost lost my dignity."

"You never had any dignity, Snuk! I almost lost my hat!" "Well on the plus side, we're not going to be in a porno!" chirps Snuk. "Whatever!" Mad Jack gruffed.

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They reached the jagged spires of the Dark Fortress. Inside, the Raven King had the Princess trapped in a heavy iron cage. "Whatever will you do with me?" cries Princess Microwave. "Soon," the King croaked, clutching a glowing Ruby. "I shall drain your youth to fuel my immortality! You shall be a cold, empty hunk of scrap metal, and I shall never need a recharge!" "you'll never get away with this!" Princess Microwave shouts at her captor.


Raven King replies, "Oh yes I will. Once I have your youth. You will no longer be a princess. You will be a prostitute, broke, drug addicted, and wandering the streets for your next fix and screw!"

"Not so fast, you overgrown pigeon!" Jack yelled, bursting through the door—mostly because Snuk had tripped on the rug and pushed him forward.

The Raven King let out a piercing caw. "The Pirate? You dare challenge the Master of the Static?" He raised the Ruby, and a bolt of red lightning crackled toward them.

"Yikes!" Jack dived behind a stone pillar. "Listen, your Feathery-ness, can't we talk about this? I’m sure there’s a nice bird feeder nearby with your name on it!"

"Silence!" the King roared. He began to chant, and a whirlwind of dark feathers and jagged sparks filled the room. The Princess’s digital clock began to count down rapidly toward zero. 10... 9... 8...

"Snuk! Do the hero thing!" Jack hissed, trembling.

"Which one is that?"

"The one where you get hit while I run away!" Jack swung his cutlass wildly as the Raven King swooped down, claws extended. Jack slipped on a stray feather, his blade accidentally parrying a strike. "Aha! Take that! And that! And please don't hurt me!"

The Raven King laughed, a cold, grating sound. "Your steel is useless against the Ruby of Power!" He held the gem aloft, preparing a final blast.

Snuk, meanwhile, had noticed a long, shimmering golden cord running from the Ruby to a massive stone outlet. "Ooh, shiny string!" Snuk scampered over and began chewing on it with his oversized rat teeth.

"Snuk, no! Don't eat the—"

ZAP! A surge of magical electricity threw Snuk across the room, but the cord snapped. The Ruby flickered. The Raven King gasped, "My connection! My high-speed data!"

"Now’s my chance!" Jack, seeing the King's distraction, threw his heavy pirate boot with surprising accuracy. It struck the Ruby, knocking it from the King’s grasp. It shattered against the stone floor, releasing a burst of energy that sent the Raven King spiraling into a bottomless pit.

"I’ll be back!" the King’s voice faded. "After a short commercial break!"

The Princess’s clock stabilized. She beeped a sigh of relief. "You saved me! And you didn't even use a surge protector!"

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Back at the palace, King Blender stood before the duo. "You have done the impossible. You shall be honored as heroes of Aipotu. Guards! Bring forth the ultimate reward!"

Jack rubbed his hands together, his eyes gleaming. "Here it comes, Snuk. The gold. The jewels. The life of luxury! Maybe a ship made of solid silver!"

The guards stepped forward, holding a small, cardboard box. Jack opened it to find a single, slightly used lint trap and a coupon for 10% off a spark plug replacement at the local garage, along with a catalog for sex toys.

"A booby prize?" Jack screamed, his voice cracking. "I fought man-eating appliances and a psychotic bird for a piece of fuzzy mesh?!"

"It's a very high-quality trap," the Stereo whispered. "It filters out even the smallest stubborn fibers."

Disgusted and humiliated, Jack and Snuk trudged back to their repaired UFO. With a flick of a switch, they were plummeted back through the atmosphere, splashing down right next to the Sea Chicken.

"Well, Snuk," Jack sighed, climbing back onto his rotting deck and tossing the lint trap into the ocean. "Back to being unsuccessful pirates. At least the seagulls don't try to drain my youth. They just steal my hat."

"I don't know, Captain," Snuk said, peering at the horizon. "I think I left my jizz sandwich on that spaceship. Do you think they'll mail it back?"

"You said it was a ham sandwich!" Mad Jack exclaimed and then says, "It doesn't matter anymore."