My feet dragged slightly behind me as Frank pulled the two of us into the elevator.
The doors closed and he released me hand, which I immediately stretched out in different directions until the bones cracked satisfyingly. He paused to look at the numbers on the board, trying to decide where we could go to talk. He decided on the top floor. I stood shaking a little next to him as we let the elevator carry us up in silence. No one stopped us on the way.
"Fuck sakes it's cold up here." I shivered as I took a seat on the roof of the hotel; I stared out at the surrounding city while Frank stooped down beside me. A few moments of contemplative silence fell and I began to get nervous, my mind suddenly questioning everything once again.
"What do you mean you think you slept with Sara?" he asked softly, taking out a packet of cigarettes and lighting up before motioning the pack to me, which I accepted with a nod.
Lighting up, I turned away from him and sighed, "Gee would be devastated if I ever slept with his girlfriend, right?" I didn't need an answer but Frank still nodded. I mirrored the movement before continuing, "Sara knows that too. She wants to break Gerard, ruin him, and the best way to do that is through me; if she gets me to hurt my brother that'll be it; he won't have anyone because no offence Frank, he doesn't trust anyone more than he trusts me so if I lose his trust, everyone else does too. Understand?" again, Frank nodded but didn't say anything.
"A while ago, when they'd first gotten together, back at home, I'd just taken a shower and the house was deserted so I didn't think anything of eh, you know, walking around my room towel-free," I saw him grin from the corner of my eyes as he took a drag from his cigarette. "But, next thing, Sara's there and she's all over me. She started telling me all this shit about how we should be together and how Gee doesn't deserve her."
Frank snorted angrily, "Yeah, she's too fucking good for him" he sneered sarcastically.
I smiled shortly, it vanished as soon as it came, "Well, anyway, when she kissed me, she tried to get me to take something, a pill. I didn't think too much of it then because well, you know what we were all like for taking stuff." Again he nodded, "but last night something happened..." I trailed off, unsure again of what I was about to say.
"What happened Mikey?" He turned to me, seriously concerned and touched me gently on the shoulder.
"I remember when I got to my room last night being exhausted, I just collapsed on the bed and fell asleep, fully clothed." I took a nervous drag on my smoke, "I woke up this morning stark fucking naked and when I went to breakfast, Ray told me about hearing...noises." I finished with another drag.
"What kind of noises." Frank asked confused.
I stared at him disbelievingly, "Use your fuckin' imagination!" He looked to the ground, slightly embarrassed as he muttered "oh..."
There was more silence as we both finished up our smokes. "So, you, eh think you were raped?" he asked me, picking at his hands.
"Yeah..." I answered so quietly, "I keep getting slight flashbacks and I remember feeling like I was swallowing something; a pill. I was half asleep, I must have felt like I was dreaming. That would it explain it, right?"
"Yeah, I suppose," he answered hesitantly, "but how do you know it was Sara?"
"Just something she said..." I shrugged.
We lapsed into silence again and just sat there for several moments, staring out onto the streets below us. "Fuck!" Frank broke the silence suddenly and I turned to look at him, slightly startled, "You were fucking raped by your brother's girlfriend Mikey! Do you know how fucked up that is?"
I opened my mouth to agree but was stopped when I heard a slight yelp coming from the direction of the door that leads back into the hotel, the door clicked back into place as soon as I looked over to it, as if someone had been listening into our conversation. Glancing quickly at Frank, I stood up and rushed towards the door and yanked it open.
I followed the soft cries that I heard until, at the bottom of the stairs where she had fallen, I found her bleeding slightly from her few cuts and nursing her ankle. I was aware of Frank standing behind me and I turned to him, "Go to Brian's room, tell Gerard that I'll be late, you make up an excuse. I'm gonna clean her up."
I scooped Sara up carefully, not really aware of why I was doing it, and carried her back to my room. She continued crying softly into my shoulder whispering "no, no, no!" timidly. Just as carefully, I placed her on the bed as I went into the bathroom in search of some cloths to clean her up.
When I walked back into the main part of the room I found her sitting up and wiping her face furiously. I stood forward and pulled her hands away gently, "You'll make your scratches worse." She stopped, but she refused to look at me. She was so small and fragile, I hated it when this happened; I want her to be the psycho bitch that is out to hurt everyone, I can't cope with this Sara.
And still, I cleaned her cuts up so gently. Her sitting on the bed, face tear-stained and me dabbing away at the little scrapes on her knees from when she had fallen. I disgusted myself.
"We keep finding ourselves in these situations Mikey. One of us all blood covered and messed up, the other cleaning them and nursing them better." She smiled up at me, looking at me for the first time since I had taken her into the room. Suddenly the kindness and care I had for her was snapped and then vanished; all I could feel towards her was anger.
"Cut the crap Sara, you're fucked up!" I grabbed her head in my hands and hissed in her face venomously.
She shook her head vigorously and fresh tears began pouring down her red cheeks, "Please, please Mikey, help me! I don't want to hurt you, all I want to do is love you!" she cried. "I love you! Why can't you see that?"
"You love me?" I laughed, "All you've done is make my life a living hell! And my brother, what about him? What the hell are you doing to him?" I kept hold of her head and shook it angrily; sadistically enjoying the discomfort she was in. "You tried to kill me!"
She cried harder and harder while I shook her head, "I know! I know! And I'm sorry, but you don't understand!"
"And I don't fucking want to!" I spat in her face and turned away, walking to the window where I began to look out in silence. I could hear her soft tears falling as I stood with my back to her.
"I didn't rape you Mikey," the bed creaked as she moved towards me slowly, her hurt ankle slowing her down, "I didn't, I swear! I was with Frank all night, talking to him all night."
"Frank didn't say anything." I continued staring out at the street.
"I know; I listened to the whole conversation. You have no idea how heartbreaking that was to hear. I can't believe...." She trailed off and then laughed sadly, "Well, actually I can believe you'd think that of me."
I turned slowly, to look at her, "You love me?" I asked quietly. Her eyes watered with the promise of new tears as she lifted a hand slowly to my face and rubbed the back of her hand against my cheek. "More than anything." She whispered.
"Then leave..." I walked away from her and entered the bathroom, locking the door behind me and turning to the mirror. I heard some noises of movement and some muffled sobs as I watched the tears cascade down the cheeks of my reflection. I was numb to them; I couldn't feel them and I couldn't understand them. All I could do was watch them stream relentlessly down my confused face as I heard an angry cry, a shatter of glass and a slam of a door.
She was finally gone.
Argh! I wrote then deleted then wrote then deleted like six times!!! DAMN writer's block! Thank you for your comments they made me keep going back to this :)
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