- You need some work on your basic writing skills, simple stuff like sentence structure and punctuation.
It's very in keeping with the series so far, but you could spend a little extra time describing things. However you'll want to be careful not to bog down the reader in details if you do.
For a beginner piece this is well done, your idea is sound and your story progresses at a decent pace. I look forward to seeing future pieces from you.
(#) beautymourns 2006-03-23Honestly, with the way your punctuation and your scene changes are laid out, this story is hard to follow. I think you were aiming for neat paragraphs and you just wound up mushing all your dialogue together, book style, which doesn't really work well for the internet- there's nothing inherently wrong with this style of spacing, mind you- but you could try spacing out your dialogue with a paragraph break between each character change, to avoid confusion.
Also, I would suggest puting in something like " *" for a change of scene, or triple spacing your transitions into different scenes, otherwise it looks like the next paragraph is attached to the prior one and the change of scene and characters is abrupt and confusing. I would also focus less on your dialogue and put in more description, to make the scenes longer and more engaging. Working on your dialogue is good, also, because your characters, though seemingly "In Character," come off as a bit wooden in their speach patterns. You should be able to write the characters "In Character" while still adding something new to them.
Keep practicing and keep writing, though!
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