FicWad

Nodding his head along to the beat, he subconsciously let his mind drift off. The headphones were used to keep the sound in, but the beat he had just created was actually irritating his conscience. He hadn't spoken to Michele since she broke down three days ago and left. Patrick called her a few times, always getting her voicemail or answering machine. He didn't know what he expected to say if she had picked up the phone but, he knew he had to make that effort. He understood 'I'm sorry' would not fix anything and the words meant nothing after how many times he has had to repeat them but, he truly was sorry. If there was something he could do, or give her to just make all of her emptiness or pain disappear he would. Patrick would take on all the guilt, loneliness and agony just to have her be okay.

Patrick understood he was the reason that both of their lives fell apart. His insensitivity to value her in their relationship. To make more of an effort to appreciate Michele as an amazing woman and even greater girlfriend and to just make himself more available to her at all times all led to their failed relationship. What she had to deal with just for being with him was inexcusable. It had taken a lot for it to sink in but, Patrick took full responsibility. Nothing could argue that, she had tried to tell him they were having a baby and he rushed her calls. Michele lost their baby and he ignored the calls. For what? An interview, a photo shoot? He hated those things yet gave them more precedence over the woman that he knew deep in his heart he loved. The "What if's?"and hypothetical situations ran through his head. If he could turn back time and just change one thing then maybe it never would have led to any of this. He just wanted her heart to be okay.

Shaking his head out of his thoughts, Patrick paused the mixer and minimized the screen going to check his e-mail. He had so far successfully avoided communication with pretty much everyone. Although his brother, Kevin had left a threatening message demanding a call back. He knew he had to face civilization eventually but, he had to avoid the world right now. There was just one person he would talk to anytime of the day and she wanted nothing to do with him anymore.

Pausing he was surprised to see the first email that lay on top of his mailbox. She has was the last person he ever expected any more communication from. Swallowing hard he double clicked to open it. He was petrified to read what was written.

From: Marshmallowpie@aol.com
To: tricksr4kids@aol.com
Sent: Thu, 8 Feb 2007 8:52 am
Subject: (no subject)


Patrick,
I really don't want this email to go on forever because I know it could, so please just bare with me. This was intended to be completely honest with you, not to hurt you.

First, You should know that I have listened to every single voicemail and message you have left for me the past few days. Thank you for showing me you care and are concerned about me. I never doubted that, but it is amazing to hear you say it. To tell me how you feel lets me know that everything I went through wasn't out of vain. No actually,I promised myself I would be honest so, to tell you the truth hearing you say all of those things were some of the hardest words I've ever made myself listen to. I know you love me Patrick, I know you care about me and I know it hurts you that nothing could be done to change it. You can't keep thinking about what you could have done or should have done. It just makes it soo much harder, trust me. Every time I think about it, I just hate myself a little more and blame you. I'm sorry but I don't want to feel like that. I want to look back on us and smile.

I lost our baby Patrick. I don't know why it happened. The doctors said it could have been stress, or just a my body. I'm sorry. The last thing I ever expected was to be pregnant and then to miscarry. During the time I did know about the baby, I did everything right. Took vitamins, ate the right foods and avoided the wrong ones. Maybe this was just our destiny, I don't know. Trust me, I shared the same dreams Patrick. To one day be the perfect family that neither one of us had. Mom and Dad madly in love with each other, 2.5 kids, maybe even a perfect 3 and Marzipan. That look in your eyes as you told me those things shows me how determined you are to have them, and you will. You'll find an amazing woman that will stand by you and make all of your dreams come true.

There is also something else, I have decided to move back home to Chicago. California was your home Patrick, I was just there to be with you. Your life and career was in Hollywood and because you were there I did everything to make it my life, because you meant that much to me.You were what I wanted for the rest of my life. But, now that we're not together it just seems fit to move back to Chicago. Maybe you can call it running away from memories, but it just doesn't feel right being there if I'm not there with you.

It is time for me to look at my life and set new goals. Try to figure out what I want to do now. Like I said before, maybe I'll go back to school and get my master's degree. Who knows? Life is full of surprises and multiple opportunities. You should never pass anything up. It's why you're in Fall Out Boy.

Do not blame yourself for any of this. You didn't do anything wrong. All you did was try to love me and follow your dreams. This is where life led us. We'll both be okay.

So, I'm probably going to stay with my Dad, or maybe my friend Cheyenne until I have more of a sturdy plan but, this is it. I leave California tonight. It's kind of funny, people usually come here searching for a new life, and im leaving here to find my old one. Whatever that was, I don't know exactly. I just hope this empty feeling inside goes away soon. I'm sick and tired of crying and being depressed.

I guess this is it, huh? Well, Thank you for loving me and letting me love you. You've shown me so much and accepted me for everything that I am and aren't. You will always have a special place in my heart, and I will definitely love you for the rest of my life. I just hope I am able to find a man half as great as you are, and I wish you the same. You deserve an amazing woman to love you in all the ways I wasn't able to. Hey, now that I am gone maybe those girls around the condo will seduce you. They're stupid if they don't.

You were my everything, and I just hope I am nothing without you. I don't want to look back and regret anything. I love you so much.


Goodbye Pumpkin Pie.
Michele

P. S. Please don't hate me.


Those words killed any little hope Patrick ever had of them making it. She was gone. Michele really did leave him. He blinked a few times as he actually felt the tears come to his own eyes. He wanted to be angry at what she wrote but, he couldn't be. She was just trying to be happy and move on. Unfortunately, it was without him.

He couldn't believe that Michele let him go. She wanted him to move on and find a woman that he could love and have a family with. All he could see though as he pictured his future was her in it. He wanted the family with her. Patrick wanted to love her forever and he knew he would. Forgetting about a woman that consumed and contributed to a major part of who you are as person is nearly impossible. He wanted to call her up and fight her on so many of her thoughts. Michele was wrong, they belonged together. Their destiny was to be together forever.

Sucking in his bottom lip, Patrick re-read a few lines as he shook his head in disbelief. Michele could never be nothing, she was the perfect woman, his perfect woman. Closing the email he opened his itunes and went right to his favorite list. He needed music to help subside the pain. Patrick could never hate her though, you can never hate the person you love most in the world.








I would deeply like to apologize for the long wait for this chapter. I did have finals earlier this week and then things got busy and I just kind of, became disconnected from this story. I'm sorry. Hopefully if you read this and review, I can kind of get my excitement for continuing this back. Emotionally something did happen this week that, had me fall into slump. Regardless though I am not looking for sympathy. Please, if you read this story, review it. I am not trying to solicit reviews. I just think if read it tell me what you think. Your opinion matters especially in what can happen next. In advance, thank you for reading and thank you for reviewing. =) Linda