FicWad

"How do I look?", I walked out of my bedroom and spun around in front of Ray and Mikey who sat on the sofa, playing video games.
Ray paused the game, "I'm not sure".
"Enough to scare some respectable dude and his weird kids?", I asked hopeful.
"I take it that the dinner with you mother and boyfriend is tonight", Mikey giggled.
"Yeah", I fixed my skull necklace and placed it right on my cleavage.
"You're so mean to scare him away like that", Ray watched me amused.
"Oh I don't care him dating her, maybe she'll finally fuck with his mind instead of mine. I just want...I don't know", I leaned on the sofa.
"Piss her off?", wondered Mikey.
"Yeah, something like that", I grinned.
"Well I'm off", she was supposed to pick me up like 10 minutes ago, she probably sat in her car this very moment and dissed me, she hates people who were late, I thought happyly.
"Don't do anything I wouldn't", Mikey called after me.

I skipped down the stairs like a happy school girl, well maybe not like a happy school girl because I never was a happy school girl so I didn't know how happy school girls were like.
This evening is going to be fun! I never got along with my mother, we always fought about everything!
When I was younger I was kinda fearful of my mother, I was always afraid she would yell at me for shit I've done.
Then when I grew up a bit, I took Bob's advise and stopped taking shit from her and answered back, it made my life hell because she would insult me and humiliate me for talking back to her.
But now I wasn't scared for her, for all I care she could bite me!.

Her new car was parked on the curb, I hopped in.
"You're late", she grunted at me.
"I know", I faked a smile.
"When would you grow up and take some responsibility?, when will I feel like I'm talking to adult and not to a five year old?", she was kinda raising her voice at me.
"Look it's your dinner, you asked me to come. So instead of talking down on me you can go just go!", I snapped back happyly.
She shook her head and rambled about something but started the engine.
I wasn't listening, I spaced out, looking out of the window.
She rambled about how responsible Charlie's kids are and how she stuck with someone like me, and what am I wearing? I look like a prostitute.
Oh I may went heavier than usual on the eyeliner but I wasn't slutty. My cleavage was reasonable and I wore black jeans so she can forget about the slutty comments!.
And no one in HER family was like me so it's probably HIS side of the family.
By him she meant my dad, she never talked about him but only when she wanted to piss me off and it worked every time.

I didn't know much about my dad, only the bad stuff she blurted out when we were fighting.
I knew he had a hot temper and he was older than her, I knew he was really tall and I had his eyes and his hair color, I had his mother chin and that he loved me.
That was the only thing that I heard about him, that and that people liked him and that he got married after they got divorced.
I was told that he loved me and used to hold me when I was little. Even the thought of him made me cry.

They divorced when I was 2, I had no memories of him, his image was blurry, in my head I pictured him as a tall blurry figure with sand colored hair.
I had one memory of him however, it was when they were already divorced and we were about to moved to Jersey, he came over to my grandma's house where we moved after the divorce and I remember this tall man walking into the room and I remember asking who he was.
After we moved to Jersey, I haven't seen him ever again, he didn't come to see me or sent any letters.

When I was seven my uncle blurted something about my dad dying but my grandma and mother hushed him and glared at him.
I remember thinking that my dad died without any emotions but with tears in my eyes, I was 7 and was secretly upset at him for letting go and forgetting me like this.
Only years after it downed on me that I have no father.
Sometime deep into my teen years we had a really bad row about something and my mother yelled that my father committed a suicide, I remember being shocked.
I was angry at her for telling me like this but she couldn't see the big deal and just continued to yell at me, I remember the next day being all weird and teary and that was then when Mikey and I became really close.
He asked me what happened and I broke down in tears telling him all about my family tree, from that day on we became even closer.

I loved my father to death, I still do.
All the love that supposed to be targeted to my mother for raising me went to him instead.
He never made me cry or regret the day I was born, he wasn't there but I knew he loved me, I held on to the story of him holding me when I was a baby for dear life, I prayed to him, not to god.
I hoped he was watching.

I tried asking my gran about him because I thought of her as the sane one in this family but she avoided talking about it and told me that she lost contact with them when we moved to Jersey.
I knew it was bullshit, she may have lost contact but she definitely knew what happened to him.
I felt alone, when I was younger I always envied other kids for having both parents.
I kinda always wished my mother will remarry and I'll have a dad and brothers or sisters.
It never happened and I neglected my wishes for a happy family and became bitter and angry, I had plenty of self hatred inside that I kept bottled in for all my life.
When I drank or cut I forgot for a while how much I hated myself and everybody else.


i'm sooo happy to be back!!!! -kisses screen-
review me people!! i missed you all so much!!!!