FicWad

I smiled down at the little being I held in my arms. His face was pink and puffy, his nose small and round, and his tiny hands balled into tiny fists. I gently slid a finger into one of his hands. Then, as if trying to break my heart, he gave it a small squeeze and opened his eyelids to peer up at me. He yawned and then shut his eyes again, releasing the grip on my finger. A tear slid down my cheek, and I couldn't stand to hold him anymore, so I handed him back to Alicia.

"Hes beautiful I said quietly, wiping my face."

"He is" said Mikey, taking him from Alicia. "Ill be back, but I want to show-" but his voice trailed off as he was already out the door. After that, it became silent, and I looked down at my shoes. I could feel Alicias stare upon me. She shifted in her hospital bad before she asked, "How are you?"

"Fine," I mumbled.

"Have you heard from her?"

I shook my head, fearing that if I spoke, I would just break down.

"How long?"

"Three months. Nothing. No letter, no e-mail, or a phone call, nothing. I called her parents, then wont tell me where she is. No one is helping me. I need to talk to my fucking wife! I could feel my anger and frustration rising. I bet you he knows where she is. Hes probably with her that filthy son of a bitch. He needs to die."

"Gerard," Alicia said calmly. "You dont mean that. You two were friends. He made a mistake, but we all do."

"Yeah, well his mistake may just cost me my marriage."

"What do you mean by that?"

I dug into my coat pocket and handed her the letter I had opened earlier that day. Her eyes traveled along the words typed unto the paper, and I saw her facial features change.

"I-I don't know what to say." she said, and handed the letter back to me.

"Well nothing you could say would help anyway. Im going to go home. Ill catch up with you later. Congratulations again. He really is beautiful. Oh, and tell Mikey Ill give him a call later." I left the hospital and went back to my lonely apartment in New York. I didn't bother turning lights on, because that would only show me what I knew was there; everything that she had left behind. And all of it was too much of a reminder of her.

I sat down on the couch, and reached into my pocket for the letter, re-reading it for the 8th time that day.

"Mr. Way,

My name is David Lui from Birkens Law Firm in Brooklyn, New York. I am writing on behalf of my client, a Ms. Sara Klassen, formerly Way, to inform you that she has hired me as her divorce attorney.

Ms. Klassen has requested your presence in a meeting to discuss division of the assets to take place as soon as possible. I will be in touch very shortly to give you more details on the process, but if you have any questions, please call my office.

Sincerely,

M.D. Lui"

I crumpled the letter up and threw it across the room. My marriage had lasted for all of half an hour, until it all went down hill from there. It was all because of the baby. It we hadnt lost it, then everything would be fine, and I wouldnt be wondering if my wife was really with him. Stupid fucker. I had given him the opportunity of a lifetime, and he turned around and stabbed me in the back.

EIGHT AND A HALF MONTHS EARLIER

I watched her carefully, her back turned to me, her body slightly moving with each breath she took. I reached out and traced her back lightly, because it was the only thing I could do. I couldnt hold her, comfort her, or even kiss her. I missed her touch, I longed for it, and now she wouldn't even sleep in the same room with me, let alone the same bed.

She shifted her position, and I practically fled from the room, my heart racing. I wandered into the kitchen and put on some coffee. Yesterdays paper was still sitting on the table, with a half empty cup of orange juice, her favorite. I sighed, and went to clean it up, but a noise behind me distracted me. I turned around and stood still, straining to hear another noise. I smiled to myself when I heard the shower start. It was the first thing since we got back from the hospital that I didnt have to pretty much force her to do. Maybe we were finally getting somewhere.

I puttered around the kitchen of our hotel flat in Toronto, making breakfast and cleaning up, while I waited for her to finish in the shower. Finally, the shower turned off and the apartment became silent. The silence was shattered a moment later when the phone echoed throughout the room.

"Hello?"

"Gerard honey, how are you?" Came Saras mothers cheerful voice from the other end.

"Hey. Im surviving, you?"

"Oh, you know, same old. So, uh, how is she?" she asked cautiously.

"Shes uh, well shes stopped crying. But she still wont let me touch her. She sits in bed all day. And she barely talks to me. Oh, I meant to call you before. I wanted to apologize for what happened before we left the hospital." I knew it wasn't my job to apologize, but I felt I had to. Sara was hurting, I understood that, but it was no excuse for the way she blew up at her mother.

"Don't worry about it dear. She was devastated, its understandable. And as for her demeanor, you have to understand and be patient. Its not going to go away all at once."

"I'm just afraid I'm going to lose her."

"Oh honey, dont worry about that. Oh, I have to go dear, take care of Sara. And yourself."

I hung up and turned to find Sara standing there.

"Morning. I made some-"

"Gerard" she said softly, reaching out a hand and placing it on my cheek. I pushed my cheek harder against her palm I didnt want her to pull away. "You're not going to lose me. I promise. You're just going to have to give me time." She took my hand that I had placed over hers, and kissed it ever so gently.

"Im going out. Ill be back later." She dropped my hand and it fell lifelessly to my side. I watched her retreat down the hallway, and I waiting until I had heard the front door close, before I had broke down and started crying. I crumpled into the nearest chair, and sobbed pathetically for a grown man. But it was long overdue. I barely had a chance to cry after we lost the baby because I was too busy trying to take care of Sara. But right then was the first time I was really alone, and with Sara finally showing me the slightest but of affection, I let myself feel some true emotions.

After my much needed break down, I cleaned myself up, ate my cold breakfast, and started packing to go home to New York before I took off on the three month tour I had ahead of me. The bands had been rehearsing for a week and a half non-stop, and it was finally time to hit the road. I was extremely ready for the tour, before the loss that it, because it had been so long since our last show, and our band had gone through some serious problems in making the latest album. But now I was less then ecstatic. For one, my heart was not in the right place, and two, my wife wasnt coming with me.

"Are you insane?" Sara yelled after I had asked her of she was going to come. "I cant go with you. Not after-" she started to tear up, but quickly turned back to her anger. "I cant believe you would ask suck a stupid question. I need to stay here. I need time to myself."

"You're my wife!" I yelled back. "You're supposed to-"

"Supposed to what? Huh? Fulfill your every need? Well fuck that Gerard. Right now, I don't give a shit about your needs." She went into the spare room of the hotel flat and slammed the door so hard, one of the frames in the hallway wobbled violently and threatened to crash floor.

As I made my bed, I wondered where Sara had gotten to. She could have possible been out with Alicia, who called everyday to check up on her, but that guess became untrue when Alicia called looking for her. After I hung up, I searched my brain for people she could have been out with, and I came up with only one answer. It couldn't have been her friend Leah, because she was in the states on an assignment, and Sara had said she hated hanging out with work friends, so it had to be only one other person.

All day I anxiously awaited her return. I busied myself, so I didn't assume the worst, but by 9 p.m., I was getting worried. Each time the phone rang, I lunged to answer it, but it was never her. Not until almost midnight, although technically it wasn't her.

"Sara?"

"Sadly, no. This is Tim."

My mouth went dry and I came up with no response.

"Dont worry. Besides the fact that you stole my fiance on our wedding, and married her the same day too, I have no reason to hate you. I'm calling for Sara."

"Shes not here."

"Oh, I know that. Shes standing right beside me. She wanted me to call and tell you she wont be home before you leave tomorrow. She says goodbye and to have a good trip."

"Where are you?"

"It wouldn't benefit you to know. Just-"

"Let me speak with her."

"Hold on." There was muffled noises on the other end of the line, until a minute later she answered.

"Gerard, I-"

"Sara, please come home. Whatever youre doing, please, just, come home."

"I cant."

"Why?"

"I just, I cant."

"I want to see you before I leave. I wont see you for awhile, and I don't want to leave on bad terms."

"We're not on bad terms, just, hard times. You'll see me sooner then you think."

"Three months is not soon."

"Trust me, it will all work out. I have to go. I love you." She hung up before I could say it back. I threw the remote control I had been clutching, onto the couch, and angrily retreated to my room. I wasn't so much angry, as hurt, but it was easier to be angry.

x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x--- x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x

I lugged my suitcase to the front door where the doorman beamed at me.

"Gooday Mr. Way. Pleasure to see you again. Welcome home."

"Nice to see you too" I grunted.

"Lovely day, innit?"

"Sure, whatever."

"Its plenty nicer than you know." He winked and opened the door for me.

Upstairs, I turned the key of my apartment lock to find that it was already opened. I pushed the door in a state of panic, hoping some crazy fan had wound a way in. To my great relief, it turned out to be Ray.

"Shit, you scared me man."

"Sorry, I just wanted to make sure you got in okay."

"Yah. Fine. I don't mean to be rude, but I need to get some rest before we leave tomorrow."

"Oh, yeah. Ill see you bright and early." He cast a quick glance into the next room before he left, and curious to see what he was looking at, I walked into the other room. Actually, I only made it halfway before I saw; Sara stood in the center of the room, with her arms folded across her stomach, a small smile on her beautiful lips.

"Hi."

"Hey, I replied. "

"I changed my mind."

"I can see that."

She grinned, and we just stood there, watching each other. As if reading my mind, she answered the question I was thinking.

"Yesterday, I went to see Tim because I needed to get my stuff. he gave me a ride here. It took about 6 hours, almost half of that he spent being angry at you, and surprisingly, not at me. Eventually, he came to terms with everything, so were okay now I guess."

"What made you change your mind?"

"I'm your wife. I want to be with you." She walked up to me and kissed me gingerly on the lips. I kissed her again when she pulled away, and she let me until my hand trailed down her back. She took a step back and said, "I'm going to try. I want to be a good wife, and a good friend. But I cant do any of that unless I can get over it. So thats what I'll do."

"Sara, no one is asking you to get over it. That may very well be impossible. You may go through your entire life and not get over it. But what you can do it come to terms with is, because its not your fault. Don't blame yourself or anyone else."

She turned glassy eyed and said, "I just cant help but think that I could have done something different."

"No, don't think like that," I replied, securely wrapping my arms around her. "I don't think you're ready yet. I understand. Take your time honey." But I knew that it was more easily said than done, for a media frenzy had already started. Somehow they had found out about my affair with Sara, our midnight wedding, and about the loss of our baby. I had already heard from friends that it was all over MTV, in trashy tabloids, and of course the internet. My manager knew nothing of the relationship until I called him Toronto explaining why I couldn't make the tour rehearsals in L.A. He was furious at first, calling my decision to marry Sara rash, but he softened considerable when I told him that the baby she was carrying was mine, and that it was a stillborn. So from then on, I had to be careful about exposing any of the coverage to Sara, because one, I knew she wasn't ready for it, she was still too fragile. And two, she wasn't used to it like I was. She was just a girl originally from a small town, who was thrust into spotlight without warning because she got involved with me.

"So what do you want to do?" I asked as she pulled away.

"Right now, I just want to sleep. Then after I was hoping we could unpack some of my stuff. I want to get somewhat settled before we leave again, so I can come back here and feel like I'm at home."

"Okay." I led Sara into the master bedroom, and I shut the drapes and she climbed into the kind sized bed. As I left the room, she said, "Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me for anything."