FicWad

Chapter 10

“/She’ll end up just like her mother…/”
‘She’ll end up just like her mother’: I heard that a lot when we lived together. People turned away from us, and pointed at us, it was always ‘us’, even when I was alone because on the mind of the rest of the people around us mother and child were one: equally disturbed and with no future whatsoever.
‘I understand how the husband bailed on them’. Well if they did, then why didn’t they explain it to /me/? ‘Cause I sure didn’t.
I mean, I understood my mom had issues, but dumping her wasn’t going to help. Leaving her with no money for medicine wasn’t doing any good. Not to her, not to me. What I understand less is how a father can leave his child. And if that wasn’t enough how can he leave it to the care of a person that can’t care for herself?
‘She needs help’: I do. I do need help! I can’t argue on that! I’ve always needed help! I can’t care for my mother alone! I can’t care for myself! I can’t do EVERYTHING! I need someone to look after me! To make me feel loved! Not like a piece of crap!
“/Is she going to be okay?/”
Well of course not, you ass! Don’t you see I’m a wreck? I simply cannot be okay, it is impossible! I have tried all the possible ways to be okay and it just doesn’t matter. It simply doesn’t.
“/It’s not your fault…you need to go home. Being here won’t help. She can’t hear you/”
I have no home you ass! If I had I’d be there! Why would I like to live somewhere that’s not where I belong? Of course she can’t hear me, if she did then she’d understand how much I love her and how much I need her to be okay…She needs to be okay so I can be okay. I need her.
“/I can’t let this happen….Not again. She can’t break. It’ll all be my fault. I need you, Gabrielle. I need you/”
Was that…my dad? Was my dad telling me he needed me? Does he feel guilty? I can’t believe this! Does he mean it?
I felt someone squeeze my hand. I hadn’t felt anything in a while now. It was so different and refreshing. I had forgotten how human contact felt. I had forgotten how it is like a drug that once you taste you can’t stop: you simply crave it, and when you can’t have it, it kills you….very slowly and painfully. I squeezed his hand. I needed him. I needed to see his face!
Where are you, dad?
Where are you?
Dad?
He stopped squeezing my hand and I yelled, and yelled and no one heard me. I felt a sharp tug from my hand, it wasn’t my dad’s. But at least it was human contact. I squeezed back, inserting my nails to make them understand I needed to wake up.
And then, suddenly, I did. The shock of light blinded me once more, but I smiled at being alive again. It was good to be back.
“Gabe?” I heard a familiar voice. Whose was it?
“Huh?”
“HOLY SHIT SHE’S AWAKE!”
“Frankie?”
Frank screeched like a twelve year old and I opened my eyes slowly to meet his gaze. He was hugging me now, and I was happy.
“Mr, Mr! Get out of the way, we need to make some tests”

“So…Are you sure I was in a comma?” I asked him as we walked hand in hand through the hospital’s garden.
“Yeah…Gerard found you in the Hudson, you had been beaten up pretty bad. The doctors said that if you didn’t have such poor lungs you could’ve hung on a bit more and they captured the guy. He was like-“
“Wait, Gerard found me?” This piece of news shocked me.
“Yeah, after I went for you and didn’t find you,” He threw me a reproachful look, “I called everyone to help me look for you. By the time Gerard heard everything he went straight for the Hudson and found you there. He was pretty freaked out. They made him go to counselling…/again/” Frank sighed.
I heard at the rest of things he told me and didn’t really pay much attention.
Gerard.
Poor thing.

“That Frank came every day to see you. He’s sure a pretty nice boy. And he goes to Catholic School, too…” Grandpa continued this kind of comments ever since I came home from the hospital, especially over lunch.
“Are you two dating?” Apparently he finally gave up on giving me hints and decided to risk it and ask me openly. I nodded as I played with my food. I didn’t have much appetite.
But it was true; I wasn’t telling him that just to shut him up. Frank had asked me to be his girlfriend in the hospital’s garden. I had said yes without thinking. It just slipped my lips. We spend every day together after Gerard picked him up from school.
We avoided the park.
We laughed.
We didn’t eat ice cream.
We kissed.
We had sex.
We got drunk.
We partied.
You know, the usual…Right?

“You too are quite the item now, right?” Ray asked over lunch one day.
“Yeah”
“How long have you been dating, now?”
“Since I left the hospital…It’s been…”
“Three months” Gerard replied instantly.
“Right…”I shrugged, not looking at him directly. There was an awkward silence.
“Ugh, yeah…three months sure look like a lot” I commented to no one in particular.
“I lost thirty bucks because of that…” Ray observed.
“Because of what?” I asked defensively
“Frankie and you. I said you’d be over by the week…Damn my pessimism”
“More like realism…” Mikey breathed between gritted teeth.
“YOU BETTED ON US?!” I hollered. They didn’t fucking take me seriously! I was a damn joke to them! ALL of them!
“FUCK YOU!” I yelled, and slipped almost under the table. The guys resumed the conversation. They were getting accustomed to my outbreaks. Not that that was good.
“Bob’s throwing another party tonight. Wanna come with?” Ray announced to all of us.
“Sure” Kamz replied.
“Booze?” Gerard inquired, trying to hide his annoyance.
Ray smiled at him, “The best”
“I’m game. Certainly need to get drunk”
“God, then I have to go, too….Honestly,”
“You’re so ghey, Mikes” Kamz kidded

Frank and I were sitting on my porch, fingers intertwined.
“And they did that to you? “
I nodded and leant my head on his shoulder, “Yeah…”
“I’m gonna ninja kick him so hard that he won’t even remember that dead animal on his head is his hair…” Ray mumbled. I snorted.
“You wanna go, though? It’s totally okay if you don’t…” He trailed off. “I mean, it’s not like I want to get you drunk and rape you, you know”
“Right…”
“Seriously, I /don’t/”
“Not buying that, Frank”
“I’m not going to!” He said with his puppy eyes.
“I’m going” I stated.
“Great!” He smiled in a satisfactory way as if my resolution had been because of him.

We entered Bob’s place. He was some cool kid from Chicago that came to visit his mother now and then and had his humongous parties filled with underage kids doing everything underage kids shouldn’t be doing and then some more.
As soon as you crossed the porch there was a bucket full of liquor, I took the first bottle I found and swung it to my lips, draining half of it in one gulp. I wanted to get into that trance of not thinking straight, and finding everything wonderful.
The music was loud, the liquor was never ending, there were so much people you forgot who was who, there was a hint of mixed drugs from every corner of the house and Frankie didn’t stop me from drinking my ass off, which was the most important thing, since he was pretty wasted himself since bottle four.
I had already lost count on mine…and I wasn’t regretting it.
Alcohol made me think, you know? Made me go into that state of mind where I know what makes me happy, and what doesn’t.
“Hey, where’s Frank? He looks soo hot tonight!” A drunken Kamz asked me in a tight, short, jet black dress.
“Upstairs” I said simply.
She went up the stairs quickly and I didn’t even think about it much. My heels crossed the length of the living room and I threw myself in the couch, landing on someone that was already there. I stared into hazel and I think I saw a phantom of a smile on his thin lips.
“We meet again” I chirped, and laughed into his lap.
“Yeah…Where’s your boyfriend?” He asked roughly, pushing me off his lap.
“Hmm…Upstairs, with Kamz” I told him bluntly. He looked shocked.
“And you’re okay with that?” He said after a long pause, staring at my lost eyes.
“Huh?” I ripped my eyes away from Mikey and some chick talking in the kitchen and locked eyes with him, “Oh, yeah totally….I think we have a….a….a drunk love. Shhhh! Don’t tell anyone, Gerard!”


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