FicWad

When Monica finally returned to Liv’s room she was still laying staring at the ceiling. She spoke when she head Monica enter. “I’m sorry Kara heard the whole story like that but I don’t think it’s bad she knows the truth.”
Monica walked over and didn’t answer until she helped Liv sit up and swallow her pill. “She knew about the abuse she just hadn’t heard the story about the day her Dad died.”
Kara spoke from the doorway, “You’re right Liv. I needed to hear the truth.”
Monica glanced over at her. “You okay, now?”
“Yeah, I’m okay.” Kara sighed, “I’m gonna go downstairs and watch a movie.” She knew it was Liv’s turn to spill her secrets.
“Kara you don’t have to leave.” Liv said easing back against the pillows. “You heard your mom’s story you can hear mine.”
Monica and Kara exchanged a surprised look. “You sure?” Kara asked.
Liv sighed, “Yeah, it’s okay.”
Kara pulled up another chair and sat down by her mom. Both waited for Liv to speak. “Kara remember when you were describing the town you came from?”
“You mean middle of nowhere?”
Liv nodded tiredly, “I came from a place like that in Texas. It was a fucking bump in the road yet it’s funny. When I was little I loved it.”
“So why did your feeling change?” Monica asked.
Liv let her mind return to the past. “My Mama and I lived in a trailer. I never knew who my Daddy was but she used to tell me he was a wonderful man who left not because he wanted to but because he had to. Funny the shit you’ll believe when you’re little.” In her mind she could still picture the trailer and her small bedroom. “It wasn’t until I started school that I first heard the word whore to describe my Mama.”
Monica looked over at Kara. She saw her daughter shaking her head sadly.
“Anyway, I was unaware until that day. I mean how fucking stupid could I have been not to question all the different men that came to visit the trailer. Mama would always say they were old friends. Lot’s of times they’d sit together outside on the steps, smokin’ and drinkin’ until I went to bed. Guess Mama was trying to hide what was going on. She always made sure the guys were gone by the time I’d get up in the morning.”
Monica noticed the slight accent Liv’s voice was taking on while talking about her past.
“Anyway, the day I heard my Mama called a whole I went home and asked her what it meant. She looked at me a moment then started to cry. I still didn’t understand what the word meant but I hated it cause it made her cry.”
Liv tried to move her body to ease the pain but it was becoming impossible. She tried to block out her physical discomfort to continue, “When I was nine years old I came home from school one day and there was a man sitting at our table. There was something about him I didn’t like. Maybe it was just because he was there and I didn’t like anyone invading the nice little world Mama and I had. Until that day she was always waiting for me to come home from school so I could tell her about my day. It was always just us until her ‘friends’ would show up at night. But this man was different. Mama hugged him when she introduced me to him. She told me he was someone special in her life that she wanted me to get to know.”
Monica stood “I’m gonna get you a glass of water.” She could see how chapped Liv’s lips were becoming. Liv nodded and waited until Monica returned. Kara helped her sit up and take a sip when Monica returned with the glass.
“His name was Joe.” Liv said beginning her story again, “Soon he was at our trailer all the time. I tried to like him for Mama’s sake cause I could see how much she liked him. He made her smile so I tried. One day I came home from school and noticed he’d moved his stuff in. I asked Mama and she said that she and Joe were gonna get married and that he’d be my daddy. When I told the kid at school I was gonna get a new daddy they laughed. One boy said that there ain’t no way a man was gonna marry a whore. I punched him straight in the mouth. Got into a lot of trouble for that but I didn’t care.”
“Liv, do you need to take a break?” Monica asked softly. She could hear the exhaustion in Liv’s voice.
“No, I wanna tell this story now so I never have to think about it again.” Liv said angrily. “Of course he never did marry Mama. She would say stuff about getting married and he’d just smile. Fucking bastard would just smile. The months passed and I noticed Mama didn’t smile as much as she used to. She would try so hard to make our little trailer nice so that it would be perfect when Joe got home at night. He never noticed. He would just come in put his feet up on the coffee table and tell he to get him a beer.” Liv grew quiet and both Kara and Monica wondered if she’d fallen asleep. She opened her eyes.
“One night I woke up and I heard them arguin’. I remember sitting up in bed in the darkness listening to my Mama crying. She kept saying how much she loved him. Then I heard her cry out in pain. I jumped out of bed and ran to her. She was sitting on the floor holding her cheek and he was standing over her. Mama saw me and told me to go back to bed. That everything was fine. I just stood there, I didn’t know what to do. That’s when Joe looked at me and said I’d better get my fucking ass back in bed. Mama screamed at him and told him not to talk to me like that. He just laughed and went into their bedroom. I knelt down next to mama and I could see the mark on her face. She told me it was her fault she’d made him mad and that things were just fine. The next day when I came home from school they were together laughing at the table like nothing had happened.”
Liv looked over at Monica “I need another drink of water.” Kara and Monica both helped her take a sip.
“Joe continued to live in our trailer with us. Yeah, occasionally I would hear them fighting but when it would happen I’d cover my ears. I knew Mama wouldn’t send him away.” She paused then added sarcastically, “She loved him too much.”
"It was on my tenth birthday that my eyes were opened to the truth of what a bastard he really was. Mama told me she was baking a birthday cake for me and it would be ready when I got home from school. I couldn't wait for school to be over. I remember runnin’ from the bus stop to the trailer. When I got there Mama wasn't home but Joe was sitting on the sofa drinking a beer. He smiled and told me that mama had run to the store to get some milk and she’d be back in a minute. He wished me a happy birthday and told me he had a special present for me. Fuck, I was so stupid. Here I hated the guy but the idea of a present made me happy." She shook her head slowly. "Joe told me to sit down by him on the sofa and watch some TV until Mama got back."
Monica looked over at Kara. They both seemed to sense where the story was going. Kara shook her head sadly.
"Yeah, that's right." Liv said seeing the look that passed between them. "He put his arm around me and pulled me to him. I tried to scoot away be he just laughed. He told me I should be nice to him cause he was gonna be my daddy. I was so fucking scared. I could smell the beer on his breath as he talked to me. I remember just prayin’ that mama would come home soon. Then he started touching me and I started crying. He told me that I was being a baby. That he wasn’t doin' nothing to me that the boys wouldn't be doin' soon. He pinned me down to the sofa he...." her voice broke, "He.." She tried to speak but couldn't.
"Liv, it's okay. Just stop" Monica said softly.
Liv wiped her eyes, "Yeah, well I guess you know what he did"
"Jesus, you were only ten." Kara whispered.
Liv nodded,"Yeah, ten fucking years old"
The room grew silent. Finally Liv felt she could continue. "By the time Mama got home I'd gone to my room. I felt so fucking dirty. I crawled under my blankets and when she asked what was wrong I told her I felt sick."
"You didn't tell her?" Kara asked.
"Joe said if I told Mama he'd leave her and never come back. That she would be lost without him. I knew he was the one givin' Mama money. I knew that was why the other men never came around anymore. She sounded so hurt when I said I was too sick to eat my birthday cake she'd made." Liv broke down sobbing, "She's worked so hard on it"
"Liv please stop." Monica whispered.
"No, we did make a deal Monica. I want you to understand why I could never let Gee love me. I wasn't worth his love."
"Worth his love?" Kara cried, "How the hell can you say that? It wasn't your fault what the bastard did to you."
"But that was just the beginning." Liv said through her tears, "That same year right after Christmas he came after me again. I was home from school and Mama had gone to the store. Joe was supposed to be out of town but I heard him pull up while I was in my room. I hid from him in the closet. I thought that maybe he'd think I had gone with Mama but he knew I was home alone. He'd seen Mama at the store and she told him."
"She still didn't know." Monica said
"No, I hadn’t told her and he hadn't touched me again until that day. He broke my tea set I'd gotten for Christmas cause I was hiding from him. When he found me he did what he did to me before but this time Mama did come home. She walked in and saw."
"Oh God." Monica whispered. "What did she do?"
"Mama screamed at him to stop. She told him to get out and never come back or she'd call the police. He laughed and said he wasn't planning on ever comin' back anyway. He was tired of both of us whores."
"I would have killed him." Kara said angrily. "I would have killed the bastard."
Liv closed her eyes again, "Sad thing is I know Mama missed him. She really loved the bastard. The next couple of years she and I lived hand to mouth. Mama tried to hold down three jobs at once so we wouldn’t lose our trailer. I got a job after school working at a pizza place when I was thirteen. They knew I wasn't old enough to hire but the guy was trying to help us out. He was an older guy and he was always askin' after Mama. I remember tellin' her once but she just smiled and said that he had a good standing in the community and she didn't want to mess that up for him."
"Liv where is you mama now?" Monica asked
"Depends on what you believe. I know most of the people back home would say hell. They'd say that dirty whore died and went to hell."
"What happened to her?' Kara asked
"I came home from school one day and found her dead on the floor. She'd taken an overdose of sleeping pills."
"Fuck" Kara whispered.
"Yeah, well she left me a note, told me never to trust any man who claimed he loved you cause it was a lie. She told me she was sorry to leave me but that she didn't want to live anymore, it was too painful. I didn't know but she was dying. She’s been sick for over a year. Fuck, I knew she looked bad but I thought it was because she was holding down three jobs."
"What did you do?" Monica asked
"Did what her note said" Liv answered "I took the bit of money she had saved and got the fuck out of that town. I was fourteen but looked older. I knew if I called anyone that I’d be placed in a foster home. So I left my Mama’s body on that floor and took off. I hitched a ride to Dallas and hooked up with some girls who were following the Warped Tour from town to town. They let me tag along. Pretty soon I was working for whatever band would give me a job. Sometimes I just worked for a meal and a place to stay. At night I still cried for my Mama but I realized I needed to quit that shit. So I started trying some of the drugs that were bein' passed around. They dulled the pain and made me forget. It was the second Warped that I met Gee. I couldn't believe it when he said he wanted me to be his girlfriend. Fuck he had to have heard the stories about me. Shit they were true. I slept with guys to get what I wanted. I figured it didn't make any difference. Mama did the same thing and things were fine until she fell in love. I liked being with Gee. By this time I was hooked on the drugs and he could get them easy for us. I was just using him like I did every other guy."
"Except that he loved you" Monica said sadly, "and you fell in love with him."
Liv wanted to deny it but couldn't "I just couldn't let myself fall in love with him. I just kept tellin' myself that. I remembered what Mama said. The drug helped me to forget the pain."
"Fuck, you were still a child when you hooked up with Gerard." Kara said realizing the truth.
"I had just turned sixteen but I told him I was nineteen. He never even questioned it. I looked older, I acted older. It didn't make any fucking difference."
"That means your only twenty." Monica was shocked.
Liv smiled sadly, "Yeah, I'm gonna die when I'm twenty. How's that for being punished for your sins?"
"You aren't being punished" Monica said softly, "There are no sins."
"Sure there are. I whored myself out." Liv answered.
"To survive." Kara said, "You did what you did to survive."
Liv looked over at her, "Yeah, that's right. I did what I did to fucking survive"
"Liv, why did you leave Gerard? You had to know you were pregnant."
"I knew and when I left I wasn't even planning on keepin' the baby. Now feel sorry for me. I almost aborted Elle." Liv said with self-hatred in her voice.
Monica couldn't stop herself from flinching, "Why didn't you?"
"Cause I'm a selfish bitch. I wanted the baby so I could have something that was truly mine. I never stopped to consider how I would take care of a baby. Never gave it a thought until it got close to time to give birth. Then I panicked I knew that what I was doing was wrong. That I would be a horrible mother and I'd screw up my baby’s life. I was planning on giving her up for adoption."
"But you didn't." Kara said, "Why?"
"Because once they put Elle in my arms I knew there was no way I could ever let her go. I promised myself I would become a better person. I would find a way to take care of her. After she was born I tried so hard. I had stopped the drugs when I knew I was pregnant and I never started them again. We stayed in women’s shelters at first while I took shit jobs. I cleaned houses, did anything I could with my limited education. There were some really nice women who helped me at the shelters. They would care for Elle while I worked. When I had enough money saved I got us a little apartment. It was shitty but I tired to make it nice."
"Morning Glory Apartments" Monica said remembering the apartment where she had gone to look of Liv.
Liv was surprised, "Bert told you?"
"Yeah, I went there to look for you but you'd gone."
"Had to. I owed rent and didn't have enough money to pay."
"Why the hell didn't you just ask Gerard for money?" Kara asked shaking her head.
"Because I truly believed he knew that I had a baby and that he didn't care." She spoke so softly it was hard to hear her words, "And because I loved him no matter how hard I had tried not to I had fallen in love with him but I knew how much I had hurt him. I didn't want to hurt him anymore. I would never have gone to him if I hadn't found out I was dying. I only did then because I thought if I could get him back he would grow to love Elle."
"This is all so fucked up." Kara said looking away.
"Liv you need to tell him the truth. He truly believes you never loved him. He needs to know." Monica said reaching out and taking Liv's hand.
Liv pulled her hand away, "No, I can't. When I'm dead you can tell him what you want."
"You owe it to him." Kara said looking at Liv.
Liv looked at her. "You don't even like him."
Kara looked over at her Mom. "I don't like him because I think he's gonna hurt Mom. He's never gotten over what happened Liv. He needs to know why you left him. He needs to move on with his life so he and Mom can be happy."
Liv closed her eyes. "I'm tired I need to sleep."
Monica and Kara looked at each other. They knew there was no point in pursuing this any further right now. Telling her story had exhausted Liv mentally and physically.
As the got to the door Monica turned back to the bed, "Liv I'm sorry for all the things that happened in your life. You are wrong though, you don't deserve what's happening."
Liv’s voice was weak, “Yeah, I do Monica. The things I’ve done? I don’t feel bad about it. The only regret I have is hurting Gee.”