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Monica stared at Liv trying to understand what she was saying. “Oh my God. Mikey? You slept with Mikey?”
Liv continued to sob. “Just once. It was only once and I hated myself for it but I was so fucking angry and upset. Gee had asked me to marry him.”
“He asked you to marry him so you slept with his brother?” It was impossible to keep the utter distain out of her voice.
Liv nodded, “I tried to make him understand that I couldn’t marry him. I yelled at him and cursed him but he just kept telling me he loved me. The more he said it the meaner I got. You have to understand I loved him so much but I just couldn’t admit that to myself. I wanted to hate him not love him.”
“What did you do Liv?” Monica asked in shock.
“I called Gee a stupid fuck and stormed off the bus. The band was on tour and it was after a show. I hated myself for all the things I said to him yet the part of me that hated myself was happy. I wanted to make myself hurt. I’d already been drinking and figured I’d just drink myself numb. That’s what I was doing when Mikey spotted me behind the venue. All the guys had been drinking after the show and he was pretty wasted. I figured he’d just walk by me but he saw that I was upset and he sat down and asked me what was wrong. Fuck, Mikey was the only one of the band members who was ever nice to me and at that moment I couldn’t stand him being nice to me. I wanted him to hate me as much as I hated myself. I remember telling him to just leave me the fuck alone but he didn’t leave. We started drinking together from the bottle he was carrying. Then I started to tell him about shit I never wanted to talk about. The liquor numbed my mind. I told him about how much I hated myself and that I wished I’d just die.” She stopped for a moment and closed her eyes.
Monica waited.
“He told me that sometimes he wished the same thing. I fucking knew we were both drunk and a small part of my brain told me to get up. This was Gee brother for fucks sake but I didn’t. We finished off the bottle and then I kissed him. I knew it was fucking wrong but that’s why I did it. I knew how much I’d hate myself for sleeping with Gee’s brother and I wanted that hatred. In my fucked up brain I was planning on telling him I’d slept with his brother so that he would despise me.”
“Oh, God.” Monica shook her head still feeling shaken, “Does Mikey know?’
Liv swiped at her tears, “That he might be Elle’s father? Fuck I don’t even think Mikey remembers we had sex. When I left him behind the venue he was passed out. I stumbled back to the bus and crawled in my bunk. When I woke up we were on our way to the next venue. I don’t know how Mikey got back to the bus.”
“But you didn’t tell Gee.” Monica whispered.
Liv shook her head, “I couldn’t make myself tell him. We had three weeks left on tour and I buried it in my mind. At first when I didn’t get my period I didn’t worry. Most of the time when he wasn’t wasted out of his mind Gee used protection. It was fucking stupid we didn’t worry about me getting pregnant but our lives were so fucked up at that point that we didn’t. And I’d put the incident with Mikey out of my mind. That last show though I started to feel sick. The guys came off the stage and Gee had to settle some things so I started back towards the bus. I didn’t make it there before I threw up. Mikey saw me and came over to see if I was okay. The rest of the guys just walked by me. I guess they figured I was just drunk and puking. Mikey helped me up and asked me if he could do anything to help me. Fuck, I started crying cause he was being nice to me. He put his arms around me and gave me a hug, That’s when I looked over and saw Eliza watching us with that fucking gleam in her eyes.”
“Eliza.” Monica said realizing that she’d been right all along. The woman did have something to do with Liv leaving.
“Yeah, Eliza. I broke away from Mikey and ran to the bus. A week later, back home, I knew I was pregnant. I knew that if the news got out she would tell Gee about seeing me with Mikey. It was amazing she hadn’t told him before but I guess she was just waiting for the right moment.” Liv paused, “I couldn’t give her that moment. I couldn’t tell him I was pregnant because then the truth about what happened between me and Mikey might come out.”
“So you left him.” Monica whispered.
Liv nodded, “I left him because I loved him so much I couldn’t ever chance him finding out I slept with his brother.”
The room grew silent. Downstairs they could hear Bert in the kitchen singing. Finally Monica spoke.
“Do you think Mikey is Elle’s father?’
“I honestly don’t know. He could be” She closed her eyes, “I just don’t know.”

On the plane Gerard leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He felt numb with Liv’s words still echoing in his head. She’s slept with Mikey. His brother could be Elle’s father. The little girl he’d come to love might not be his daughter. Liv had laid in his arms and said she’d always loved him. What a fucking lie, his mind screamed. Everything in his life now seemed like a lie. His own brother had slept with the woman he’d loved with his whole heart. Part of him wanted to get off the plane and go back, but why? Would he confront Liv? Fuck, he thought, what would it matter? She was dying and she thought the truth was going to die with her. Didn’t she know that by telling Monica he’d find out? And what about Mikey? A part of him was hurting and wanted to cry out to his brother to ask him why he’d betrayed him. Another part of him wanted to beat the living shit out of him.
“Sir, can I get you a drink?” The stewardess asked with a smile.
Gerard opened his eyes, “Yeah, a rum and Coke.”

Bert stood in the doorway wondering what was going on. Liv was sobbing and Monica looked shell shocked. “Hey, should I go back downstairs?”
Both women looked surprised by his voice.
Monica stood, “I’m going to go downstairs and wait for Carrie.”
“Monica” Liv’s eyes were pleading. She reached out for Monica’s hand, praying she’d keep her secret.
“I understand.” Monica said softly giving her hand a light squeeze.
Liv closed her eyes, “The pain is too much.” She said wanting the medicine that would ease the pain and take away her memories.

The drink sat on the fold down tray in front of Gerard. His eyes stared down into the dark liquid. It will calm your nerves, a voice in his head told him. It will help you to forget. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Suddenly in his mind he could see Monica standing in the living room of their house. Monica, his love, his salvation. How could he have ever considered for one moment taking a drink? He was about to call the stewardess to take it away when a voice from across the aisle caught his attention. It was a little girl about Elle’s age laughing happily. His heart felt like it was breaking. Bug, she looked like Bug. Thinking about her tore at his heart.. He wanted so desperately to believe she was his child. The little girl looked over at Gerard and waved. He turned away quickly and reached his shaking hand out to encircle the drink.