FicWad

The kitchen clock chimed seven times. Monica glanced over at it and suddenly tears blurred her vision. Gerard hadn’t called her since he’d left the house Thursday morning. It was Friday night and the band had played a concert. His time was now one am and still, no call. She was hurt by his actions yet trying so hard to understand. She’d talked to Mikey and she was desperately trying to keep herself from calling him again. It was obvious Gee didn’t want to talk to her. Knowing that hurt deeply.
“I’m heading over to Leigh’s house.” Kara said breezing into the kitchen. She stopped when she saw Monica’s face. “What is it?”
“Oh nothing.” Monica said forcing a smile. “You still planning on going to the movies with Kelly and Bug tomorrow?”
Kara wasn’t buying the cheerful act. “Mom, tell me. What’s going on? Oh, shit.” She realized she did know, “He hasn’t called, has he?”
Monica crossed over to the table and sat down, “No, he hasn’t.”
“Oh crap.” Kara said taking the seat across from her. “So why don’t you call him?”
“I tried.” Monica admitted. “He doesn’t answer.”
Kara didn’t know what to say. She had assumed that Bob had told Gerard to call home and that he had. “Bob did say he’s really upset and pissed off at the world.”
“I’m sure he is.” Monica said, “But I don’t understand why he’s not talking to me.” Her voice trembled.
Kara hated this. It was what she’d been afraid of all along. Gerard was hurting her mom and she didn’t know what to say or do. She had decided to call her friend and tell her she’d be staying home tonight when Monica’s phone rang.
“It’s Gee.” She said looking at the screen.
Kara nodded, “Call me if you need me, okay?”
Monica smiled, “I’m fine. I’ll see you later.” She waited until Kara left the room before answering. “Hey Gee.”
Gerard leaned against the stonewall outside the bar and tried not to cringe at the pain he heard in her voice, “Monica, sorry I haven’t called.”
“It’s okay. I was just worried.” She said softly.
He hated himself. Why was he hurting her? Did he want to make her feel the pain he was dealing with? “I’m a shit, I should have called.” He said while taking out a cigarette and lighting it.
“Are you okay?” she asked softly.
“No” he answered quickly. “I’m not.” He didn’t want her to ask any more questions. “I miss you.” He said trying to change the course of her questions.
“I miss you too.” She answered. “I wish I was there with you. I wish I could just run away from everything. I know that’s selfish but it’s how I feel.” She lowered her head slightly trying not to give in to more tears.
His heart went out to her, “It’s not selfish. You’ve done so much for her.” He tried to keep the anger and hurt out of his voice when he thought of Liv. “You’ve done so much for me.” He added softly. A group of drunken people passed by laughing loudly.
“Where are you?” Monica asked hearing the commotion.
“Outside the hotel.” He lied. “I wanted to get some fresh air.”
Monica heard something in his voice but didn’t question him. “Gee, how are you really?”
“I don’t want to hear you ask that fucking question again.” He snapped. Immediately he felt sorry for his words. “Monica, I’m just all tied up with emotions. I just can’t talk right now. I’ll call you tomorrow.” He disconnected before she could reply. He cursed himself for calling her. He had just ended up hurting her but when that blond inside the bar had invited him up to her room he’d been tempted to say fuck it all and go with her. But he hadn’t wanted that. He’d wanted to hear Monica’s voice. Now he’d fucked it all up and upset her. He threw down the cigarette and headed back towards his hotel. He undressed and crawled into bed when he heard his phone alert him that he had a text message. Reaching over he flipped open the screen and saw the message, “I Love You”. Gerard leaned his head back and uttered an oath. He put the phone down and was about to turn off the light when he suddenly grabbed the phone. “You have my heart” he pushed the send button before he could change his mind.

Monica had just left Liv’s room when the text came through. Reading the words she couldn’t help herself she’d burst into tears. Bert was beside her within seconds. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Monica said felling silly. “It’s nothing.”
Bert looked at her closely. “I’m here for you too, you get that right?”
His kind words touched her, “I know Bert. Thank you.” She impulsively hugged him. “Thank you.” She whispered again.
“Do you want to talk?” He asked feeling her body tremble. “I’m a good listener.”
Monica stepped back, “I’m just worried about Gee.”
“He’s really fucked up?”
They walked down the hall away from Liv’s room, “Yeah, but what has me worried is he isn’t really talking to me.”
“You mean about Liv?”
“I mean about anything. He hadn’t called me since he left until just a few minutes ago. I don’t understand why he’s shutting me out.”
Bert frowned. “He’s hard to understand sometimes. I don’t know what to say.”
Monica nodded, “Yeah, me either.” She stopped. “Why don’t you go out of a while? I’ll sit with Liv.”
He sighed, “Yeah, I’m gonna go to the store and grab some smokes. Maybe get something to drink.”
“Don’t worry I’ll stay with her while you’re gone.” Monica knew how worried he’d be leaving Liv. He nodded and she watched him head towards the steps. When he was out of sight she turned and walked down to Liv’s room. Liv opened her eyes.
“Hey” she said weakly.
“Need a drink of water?” Monica asked as she neared the bed.
Liv closed her eyes, “I just need to die.”
Monica sat down in the chair and took Liv’s hand in hers. They sat silently for several minutes.
“Bert gone?” Liv asked quietly.
“He went out to get some cigarettes.” Monica answered.
It was getting harder for Liv to concentrate, “About what I told you…” Her voice trailed off.
“I think it would have been wrong to tell him.” Monica said softly. “It would have just caused so much hurt for him to know.”
“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about it. I think I just wanted to tell him to unburden my soul.”
“Liv, I’ll keep your secret if that’s what you want.”
Liv looked over at her, “I’m so fucking sorry I put this shit on you. I should have kept my mouth shut. I should have let this die with me.”
“I do have a question.” Monica moved closer to the bed, “What if at some point Mikey asks me about what happened between the two of you?”
“Why would he?” Liv asked
“I don’t think he ever will but if something would happen and he did ask…do I tell him?”
Liv sighed, “Fuck, I’m sorry I put you in this situation. Monica, I can’t think anymore. My mind is starting to be fuzzy and when I wake up I’m never sure what day it is or even if it’s day or night. You will have to decide what’s best about everything.” She started to cry, “Really I am sorry.”
Monica squeezed her hand, “It’s okay.”
The room grew silent. Monica sat back in the chair and watched Liv sleep. Her mind was so full of confused thoughts. The only thing she was sure of was that telling Liv’s secret would hurt so many people. It would damage Gee’s relationship with Mikey. Then there was Mikey and Alicia’s relationship to consider. If Alicia found out the truth, especially now that she was facing a difficult pregnancy, how would it affect her? But mostly Monica worried about Gerard. How would he feel if he knew Bug might not be his? She couldn’t bear to think of him in the much pain.
“Monica?” Liv’s voice was so small.
“Yes?”
“I’ve been thinking. Stupid thoughts but I’ve been wondering if I really will see a parade when it’s time.”
Tears filled Monica’s eyes, “Oh Liv. I’m sure you’ll see whatever is your happiest memory.”
Liv nodded, “Then I’ll see a field of wildflowers. That’s the memory I want to leave with.”
Tears rolled down Monica’s face as she listened to Liv’s talk about that special day.