FicWad

Sunday passed without a word from Gerard and Monica was beside herself with worry. She had fought the urge to call Mikey to check on him but somehow to her it didn’t seem right to call him. If Gee didn’t want to talk to her she didn’t want anyone to force him into making a call. At least Donna had told her she had spoken to him. It has been a blessing to hear he had told his mother he wasn’t drinking again. As she was getting ready for bed she suddenly missed him so badly the pain was too much. She walked over to the dresser and pulled out one of his tee shirts and decided to wear it to bed. The one she chose was the shirt he’d just worn when he’d been home. His scent still lingered on the fabric. Monica crawled into bed and in the darkness she let her pent up tears flow,

Gerard rolled over and looked at the clock. The dream was still fresh in his mind as he sat up and grabbed his phone. As soon as she answered he asked, “Are you all right?”
Monica sniffed, “I’m okay.”
“Oh fuck, you’re crying. What happened?”
“Nothing happened.” She tried to make her voice sound normal.
“Sugar, tell me.” He said softly.
Hearing the endearment only made Monica begin to cry again. “Really, I’m okay.” She said between sobs.
“Then why are you crying?”
“Cause you just called me sugar.” She scooted up in the bed and grabbed a tissue
“Cause I called you sugar.” He repeated
Monica released her feelings, “Yeah, I was laying here in your tee-shirt and missing you like crazy and thinkin’….”
He waited then asked, “Thinking what?”
“That you don’t love me anymore.” She whispered.
Gerard leaned back against the back of the bed and closed his eyes, “Oh Monica, fuck I’m so sorry. I’ve been acting like a dick to you and I’m sorry.”
“So you still love me?” She hated that she sounded like a child needing reassurance but she couldn’t help it.
“Baby, of course I still love you. I’m so fucking sorry that you have to ask that.”
Monica wiped her nose, “Then tell me why you haven’t been talking to me. I don’t understand. Did I do something wrong?”
He sat up and reached for his cigarettes, “Of course not. This is all on me. I just have some shit I have to deal with right now.”
“And I can’t help?” She asked softly.
He almost told her he knew about Liv and Mikey but he stopped himself. He understood that she wouldn’t tell him until after Liv was gone and letting her think he didn’t know was his way of keeping even more worry off of her. “I’ll be okay, just please bear with me.”
Monica began to feel a bit better, “I’ll always bear with you, you know that.”
“Yeah, I do. You are the best thing that has ever happened in my life.” The sound of his alarm clock going off broke into the conversation, “Shit, time for me to take a shower and catch a plane.”
“Time for me to go to sleep.” She said sadly.
“Wish I was holding you in my arms. Wish I could watch you sleep.” The words were pure and honest.
“Me too.” She whispered, “Take care okay?”
“I will.” He pushed back the covers and prepared to get out of bed. “Please don’t get upset if I don’t call for a few days. I just need to be alone with my thoughts.”
“Okay, just try to keep me in those thoughts and remember how much I love you.” She said struggling to understand.
“Never forget how much I love you.” He said from his heart.
“Love you always.” Monica whispered. After they disconnected she closed her eyes and smiled in the darkness. Hearing his voice had been just what she needed. Hopefully she wouldn’t have to wait so long to hear it again.

But as the days passed it became apparent Monica wouldn’t hear his voice again any time soon. The first part of the week passed and he didn’t call. Alicia, Jamia and Christa called Monica every day to check on her. She understood that they were all concerned about her well-being but each time they called she had to force herself to sound okay. That was something that was getting harder and harder to do.
Liv was also fading more each day. Now she was only awake for a few hours a day and many times she was so riddled with pain that it was a blessing when the drugs took effect and she fell asleep. Still Bert rarely left her side. Often when Monica would walk by the room she could hear him gently singing to Liv. The sound broke Monica’s heart.
Thursday morning Monica was surprised when Christa stopped by. “Hey, can I come in?” She asked while she cradled a covered dish in her arms.
Monica stepped back to allow her entrance, “Of course you can.”
“I know I should have called first but I was afraid if I did I would hear the truth in your voice. That you didn’t want me to.”
Monica wasn’t sure what to say. “Christa, it’s not that I don’t want to see you.”
“I understand.” Christa said quickly, “But I’m just afraid you’re holding everything inside and I just want to help.”
Her words brought tears to Monica’s eyes. “I’m happy you’re here.” She said smiling sadly. She tried not to cry, “What did you bring?”
“Tuna casserole.” She handed over the dish, “I’m not much of a cook but Ray says it’s something I make that’s really good.” She followed Monica into the kitchen. “So how’s Liv today?’
Monica sat the casserole down on the counter. “Not good. She had a bad night. Carrie will be here in about an hour. I have to go to the school and talk to one of Kelly’s teachers. There seems to be a problem with one of her classes.”
“Shit, you don’t need any more problems.” Christa said. She walked over to the table and took a seat. Monica offered coffee, which she quickly accepted.
“The teacher wouldn’t say over the phone what the problem was but I’m guessing it’s serious. She asked me not to tell Kelly she wanted to speak to me.”
Christa took the cup of coffee from her hands, “That doesn’t sound good. Kelly hasn’t mentioned any troubles at school?”
Monica shook her head and sat down, “I only talk to her on the phone in the evenings and she’s not said anything so I’m really nervous. I hope what’s happening at home isn’t affecting her grades.”
After a sip of coffee Christa asked, “So how’s Elle? How’s she taking her mom not coming back?”
“Donna says she asks about Liv several times a day. The night is the worse though cause she cries for her mommy.” This time tears began to roll down Monica’s face.
“Oh shit, I’m sorry.” Christa reached over and squeezed her arm. “It will be easier once she can move back here and be with you.”
Monica nodded sadly, “Yeah, once her mommy really is gone.”
“Any coffee left?” Bert asked walking into the room looking tired and beaten. “Oh, hey.” He said noticing Christa.
“Hey, Bert.” She answered. “I brought over a tuna casserole for lunch.”
He smiled, “Sounds good. Maybe Livie will be up to eating a bite or two.” He filled a mug and left the room.
“She’s not eating at all.” Monica whispered. “It just kills me to hear him say things like that.”
“Monica how much longer does she have?”
“Carrie doesn’t think it will be much longer. She’s been completely bed ridden since Gee left.”
Christa nodded, “Oh.”
“Yeah, she was waiting for him and now she’s ready to die.” Monica said knowing that was Christa’s thought. She took a drink of coffee then asked, “So what has Ray been saying about Gerard?”
The question caught Christa off guard. “Uh, well…” She hedged.
“I want to know. Please don’t think it helps not to tell me what’s going on because at this point I’m so worried not knowing is worse.”
“How does he sound to you?” Christa asked looking into her eyes.
“I haven’t talked to him in days. The last time he called he told me he wouldn’t be calling for a while but I guess I just kept thinking he didn’t really mean it.” She lowed her gaze, “But he did.”
“I’m so sorry.” Christa said sadly, “All the guys are worried. He’s really not talking to them either. Ray says the only time they see him is on stage or when they are traveling. The rest of the time he disappears.”
Monica looked up suddenly, “Christa did I do the right thing by bringing Liv here? Was it a mistake? Should I have just let it go, not gone and found her?” She needed to know someone else’s opinion.
“You did what you felt was the right thing to do.”
“But was it? I was sure that Gerard needed to talk to her about their past. Now just look at what’s happened. Did I fuck up?” She asked in tears.
“No, you didn’t. I’m sure it would have been worse if she’d died and he’d found out that you hadn’t told him before it was too late.”
“Then what the hell is going on?” Monica asked “And if he’s like this now how will he be when she dies?”
Christa had no answers.

Later that evening Monica waited until she knew Gerard would be back in his hotel room after the concert and called him. She had struggled with the decision to call most of the day. Finally she had convinced herself that he should know what Kelly’s teacher had told her. She began to count the rings waiting for him to pick up.
Gerard looked over at his phone and sighed. He was tried and just wanted to crawl into bed. The concert hadn’t gone well. He’d messed up two songs and the audience had noticed. That was bad enough but the rest of the band had really been upset. Gerard had snapped at Ray after the show and he had countered with questioning Gerard’s professionalism. Finally the phone went silent and he let out the breath he’d been holding. As soon as he did it began to ring again. Shit, why wouldn’t whoever it was just give up?
Monica knew he was ignoring the call and it made her angry. She was already dealing with enough anger and this wasn’t helping. She continued to keep calling.
“Fuck” Gerard picked up the phone and connected. “Hello” His voice sounded angry.
“We need to talk.” Monica said quickly, “It’s about Kelly.”
At once the anger left his voice, “What’s wrong?”