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Chapter 44- Blank Pages

Gerard's POV

“Well he’s right,” Chris the woman nurse said as she pulled the stethoscope from her ears and hung it around her neck, “It does sound broken, but I think because of the amount of traumatic stress ensued here, that the hearts natural rhythm has been offbeat.”

I lay back against the bed and took a deep breath, but ended up coughing. Mikey took my hand again and I was starting to get irked by it, I wasn’t a child. But as I looked up and saw how pale he had turned within the last half hour I felt bad and gave his hand a small squeeze.

“So will he be okay?” Caitlin asked. She was also being very protective. It’s not like I didn’t appreciate Mikey or Caitlin it’s just they were coming on too strong and sometimes I wanted my space. Like when I was trying to fall asleep they were right at the side of my bed and I could feel their eyes on me. It was like I had a disease and could die at any time so they didn’t want to miss a second of my pitiful life.

“Yes, he should be,” Chris responded. She gave Caitlin and encouraging smile, but Caitlin didn’t fall for it and she jumped down Chris’s throat in seconds.

“What do you mean ‘should be’?” Caitlin snapped. She was breathing heavily and her chest rose and fell dramatically. I sighed and looked away from them; couldn’t they just let it rest?

“You have nothing to worry about, but if it gets worse, just page me,” Chris said with an assuring nod and before Caitlin could fire questions back she walked out of the room with her shoe’s clicking on the cold tile. Caitlin groaned and plopped down into the chair she pulled up next to Mikey’s, she too looked paler than usual.

On another note, Zero to Sixty was having trouble talking Brian into letting them stay here with us. I really liked the girls a lot, one for coming and staying with us even when they didn’t know Maddie all that well; two for being totally patient with me and everyone else, they didn’t ask us annoying questions or judge, they were just peaceful.

Apparently they were supposed to be having a photo shoot right now and Brian was pissed that they were going to miss it. He had already sent several bodyguards and Shane their van driver to try and negotiate with them to come to the photo shoot. Every time they would graciously walk outside with whomever came and tell them a straight up no then come marching back in here and sit in the exact same seats without another word.

Maddie’s dad had arrived too, he didn’t say much when he came in, but I could tell he thought this was all my fault, especially because his daughter had been living in my house and I had taken her to Lakeview without his permission. Every no and again I would catch his glaring at me; it took me a while to understand but when I did the pain in my chest worsened, I was supposed to keep Maddie out of trouble this year. I had failed him. I had failed Maddie. I had even failed myself. I curled on my side and bit the inside of my cheek until it was raw and bleeding.

It was six o’clock and the sun was beginning to lower itself in the sky. It wasn’t exactly twilight yet, but it was getting there. I was guessing twilight would come around seven, maybe a bit earlier, but it’s not like it mattered that much to me.

Caitlin and fallen asleep with her head resting on my bed. I was glad she did because she looked extremely ill, maybe even worse than I did. Her face began to turn the shade of green and her eyes were almost all red, her hair was frizzy and messy, and she wore this disgruntled look all the time. Mikey looked badly too, but not as bad as Caitlin or me. He looked like he had been crying for a while.

I was seriously tired and I wanted to sleep, but I was afraid I would dream about her again. I wanted to dream about her, but when I woke up the pain that pulsated in my heart was stronger than ever. Sleep was so tempting right now; it seemed that everyone in the whole hospital was sleeping or at least quiet right now. I wanted too, but I didn’t want to. It was all so complicated. I felt like I was drowning and everyone around me was just standing there watching. I felt hopeless, like I was going around in circles and nothing ever changed.

Then I heard a sound. It started out soft and low, a clicking against tile floor. I listened to it while I watched the dust particles float around in the sunlight that was streaming into my room. It gradually came louder and louder, I closed my eyes and prayed that it would go away. I knew that noise, unfortunately, and I dreaded it. I listened and I could tell the click was coming from right down the hall, my fear came closer yet. I rolled on my side away from Caitlin and Mikey, pressing my face into the pillow and pretending to be asleep. The clicking came to a halt as it was at its loudest yet, standing inside the room.

Mikey nudged me softly in the back and I rolled onto my side, I saw Chris standing in the door way holding a clipboard. She looked nervous and sad, she wiped the sweat her forehead and carefully cleared her throat. I closed my eyes, my stomach was lurching and I didn’t want to hear what she said. Luckily I didn’t have too, by the sounds of it Mr. De Pauw had burst out in tears. I listened as Jamia said soft comforting words to him.

“I’m so sorry,” Chris whispered before walked slowly from the room, taking her annoying heeled shoes with her.

She was dead. My body felt hollow and I tried to breathe but it came out as a sob then a cough. My chest hurt like someone had stabbed me repeatedly. She was dead. I couldn’t stop the tears as I thought of going to another funeral, a burial, an empty closet. They cascaded down my cheeks and I gasped for air. Someone had stolen my lungs, I thought as I clutched my chest and tried to force oxygen down my throat.

“Gerard!” Mikey shouted once he had noticed I was having extreme difficulty, he whacked me hard on the back and I crumpled on the bed from the blow. My back was throbbing, I couldn’t breathe, my heart was broken, and I was beginning to loose all feeling, “Hurry, someone get a nurse!” He shouted and I cringed against the loudness of his voice, but it slowly began to fade, all the feeling in my body, all the noise of people crying, it was all beginning to go away and a certain numbness fell upon me. “No, Gerard, stay awake! You’ll be fine!” Mikey cried, but he was distant. I let the numbness take over my body, just hoping and praying that it’d stay this way forever, that I wouldn’t have to wake up.

Maddie’s POV

All I knew was that I was not going to stand for this crap God was giving me, and that I was doing things my way. I know that sounds really horrible going against God even after he’s been so gracious to me, (and I swear I’ll go to church more often now) but I couldn’t hurt Gerard. Not anymore, and I would do anything to keep that from happening.

Gerard’s POV

When I came too, the uncomfortable breathing tube was back in my nose and the IV was in my hand. There was a weight lying on my side and I groaned loudly and opened my eyes. Mikey was curled up into me like an infant, he looked like he was six again and he had come to my room after having a horrible nightmare. Yet again, reality was a nightmare. I let out a sigh and brushed his hair out of his eyes, the small movement woke him and he shot up straight with a look of alarm on his red face. I touched his arm and he relaxed almost instantly, he lay back down beside me and bit his lip pulling the soft skin off of it. He did that whenever he was seriously troubled.

Speaking of troubled, I felt absolutely terrible. My whole body ached, not to mention my heart and soul that had been permanently damaged. Pain doesn’t even describe how I felt. Something far more excruciating and insufferable. I didn’t even think the dictionary could hold such a word because, chances are, it would burn right through the pages.

I looked down at Mikey and I could see the tears swimming in his eyes, I wanted to cry too, but my tear ducts were empty.

The room was silent. The door was closed. No one spoke, no one dared to break the barrier of words. Everyone had their eyes closed, everyone looked like they were about to puke, and I was sure everyone was trying to play with god to give Maddie back and have themselves instead. I knew I was. I would give anything for her, my life, my heart, my blood, my soul, anything, just to make sure she was alive and safe. I was hurting, more than I had ever hurt before, and I didn’t think it would ever go away. The memory of my fiancée would stay with me until I died: alone.

For right now, all I wanted to do was get out of here. This hospital haunted me, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I was one hundred percent positive that I would commit suicide if they made me stay here over night. So I slowly got out of the bed, trying not to jostle it to much to wake the sleeping Mikey. Damn that boy can fall asleep quickly, I thought as I stood on my legs. They felt like jelly and I wobbled trying to hold myself up straight, but my knees gave out. The quickly before I hit the floor, two different sets of arms grabbed my elbows and pulled me back up. I looked backwards and Mo and Addi smiled meekly as I regained my balance. They held onto my elbows until I nodded and they slowly let go. I stood still for a moment before turning around to face them; they both looked extremely distraught, but offered me warm smiles. I began to walk (more like stumble) towards the door; Zo and Bella were snoozing softly in the corner, both of their mouths slightly agape and Bella’s turquoise head of hair lying on Zo’s shoulder. I finally made it to the door and I noticed Mo and Addi were following me, damn someone must have told them about earlier. We began making our way down the hall, slowly passing the room that held seriously injured victims. I belonged there.

I jumped when Mo cleared her throat.

“Um, we’re, erm, really, really, really sorry, about, um,-“

I held up a hand and waved away her apology, “Iz aight,” My voice came out strangly, I didn’t sound like myself anymore. Yet again I didn’t feel like myself much either.

“Well, we just wanted to tell you. And um Gerard, we also want to tell you that the other band we found, is touring with us,” Addi said as softly as she could. Great. I was hoping that they’d choose us so I could try to get my mind off of Maddie, fail.

“But we like you guys a lot!” Mo blurted, “So we’re going to take both of you.” She said and she reached out to rub my arm soothingly. I wanted to flinch away; I didn’t want anyone touching me right now. She must have noticed because she removed hand and stared at her feet awkwardly.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, trying to sound as normal as I possibly could. But still there was something in my voice that didn’t sound right; it was beginning to bother me too. Then suddenly Addi’s pocket began vibrating and we all jumped.

She pulled it out of her pocket and groaned before flipping it open, “What do you want?!” She asked in an angry whisper. I kept my eyes forward trying not to meet Mo’s apologetic gaze. I heard the angry shouts from the other end of the phone and Addi’s step started to become louder.

“I told you no!” She whispered angrily, “This is our fucking choice Brian! If you call again, we’re going to cancel the tour!” Instantly more shouts erupted from the other end of the phone. Addi was breathing heavily and Mo put an arm around her shoulder, trying to comfort her.

“Brian this is what we all want! I don’t fucking care if we miss a photo shoot or a signing this is more important to us! Now DON’T CALL BACK!” She angrily slipped the phone shut and shoved it into her pocket with a puff of frustration, “What a dick,” She muttered as she crossed her arms on her chest and we kept walking.

I didn’t know how we had walked for, but it seemed like forever. We reached the end of the hall and stared out the window, the sun was slowly setting and the sky was a beautiful orange with a mixture of soft pinks. Maddie’s hair was pink, the pain in my heart made my knee’s tremble. Mo placed her arm around my shoulders and put mine around hers as we slowly began walking back to the room. I was glad at this time that she was helping me walk, because I knew I couldn’t do it alone now.

Addi’s phone vibrated again. I watched her angrily pull the phone out, she took a glance at the caller ID then she relaxed.

“Hey Mikey,” She said smoothly into the phone. I could hear Mikey’s worried ramble coming from the phone, “Whoa, Mikey, calm down, we’ve got him. Mo, Gerard, and I all decided to go for a walk.” She said and I heard Mikey begin to shout, I had no doubt he was freaking on her for not leaving some sort of message of where we’d be.

“Mikey, I’m sorry, it’s my fault, we’ll be back to the room soon,” Addi said as she tried to calm Mikey down. I could hear his voice was now back to a normal pitch and Addi nodded once to no one in particular the gently closed the phone.

She smiled at Mo and I before saying, “Your brother loves you a lot.”

I just nodded stiffly and kept walking.

Once we reached the room Mikey ran to me and gave me a large, awkward hug that I didn’t feel the need to return. Once he had pulled away he led me back to my bed and basically pushed me in before taking a seat next to it. I sighed out my frustration and just lay there. I wanted to leave now.

I turned to Mikey and tried to voice my thoughts, but when I opened my mouth the words froze in my throat and I couldn’t speak. My throat began to hurt and I began coughing roughly. Why was God doing this to me? I thought as I tasted the salty blood coming from my throat. I boiled up into my mouth and I tried to swallow it, but I couldn’t. It began dribbling out of the corners of my mouth and my eyes swelled with tears. I didn’t want to deal with this pain, it hurt so much, and I knew the only way it would go away permanently was if Maddie was alive or I was dead. Mikey began dabbing hysterically at my face with the scratchy tissue’s while I just laid limp. My body hurt, my heart hurt, everything hurt and I was just done with it all. Why did it have to cause so much pain that I wished I would fall asleep and never wake up? Why did Maddie have to die? And why the hell was I still living?

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A/N: sorry about the wait! I was going to update yesterday but I left my house at 7:30 in the morning and didnt come home till 11 at night so yeah I was uber busy. but hope you liked it! Lurve y'all!