- Ah! At sixteen, it's unlikely that sex would be utterly glorious, isn't it? I find it sad yet refreshing that you haven't made Chappu out to be the wonderful, sensitive guy that most hindsight-fiction tends to take him for. Your Lulu is practical even at that age, even about sex. The respectful relationship between Lulu and Kimahri, established in a few sentences, also feels just right -- Lulu of all people would understand and appreciate the Ronso's skill and trustworthiness. sigh I envy your deft phrasing yet again. I enjoy the way you lay down small spare brush-strokes to describe each of the characters. It fits the terse style of the game very well (as it was constrained to use short, demonstrative sentences due to space limitations). I was looking forward to your next installment, and I will look forward once more to the next one!
Author's responseThank you! I love, love this specific feedback, oh I do.
I was a little afraid of writing Kimahri, but he really is a bit more approachable as a gentle giant, as you suggested.
These chapters really shouldn't take as long as this one did, I kept hemming and hawing on splitting this chapter up or leaving it whole.
- This, on the other hand, I loved. I really enjoyed how Lulu is sort of unimpressed with sex on the whole. She thinks it's interesting and is willing to give it another try, but she's rather disappointed.
I adore the way she imagines Wakka's coaching. That is absolutely brilliant and amusing as anything. I like that she is jealous of the connection the brothers have.
When Lulu first asked "how could he sleep?" it seemed like she was wondering how Chappu could think of sleeping after sex. But at the end it almost seems like she was just studying the mechanics of how he places his body when he sleeps and things like that. I liked the way that thought of Lulu's seems to change this way.
The repetition of "Odd to look upon" is I think unescessary. Saying it once in conjunction with all of the facts you mention will allow your reader to figure out what you mean. I like the idea of Kihmari adopting the dog.It's very cute and no one writes enough about Kihmari.
I also think you left off the chapter in a fairly odd place. It's not suspenseful so much as confusing. Maybe having a few lines explaining that the group had engaged the large fiend in battle would help. I am confused as to whether they've actually run across a garuda or you're just mentioning it.
"As much as a flower as her father." Replace "as" with "of."
Author's responseYeah, it does sort of hang in a weird place. The chapter was initially very long and splitting it up was a last-minute decision. I certainly could have revised that before I posted but didn't think to do that.
The repetition was more of aesthetic choice than an necessary one --due to my tendency to write for reading aloud, I tend to repeat phrases and words for a lyrical effect, possibly to an abusive level. Hah.
Again, thank you so much for your keen and well-considered insight. You are a really sharp reviewer.
- I think it's perfect that the first sexual encounter between Chappu and Lulu wasn't romanticized. I've read it that way before, and it just seems so unrealistic, because they're kids! Kids. This, though, is spot on, Lulu's thoughts on comparing the act to magic seem so much like her, and tied in with how she chose to learn black magic instead of white? Yeah, great job. The little details here are again, amazing. Lulu's aunt and her using Yuna to advertise later on, Lulu showing that sentimental side when she wakes and Chappu is gone, the interaction with Kimahri. Favorite so far.
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