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• Red and Black

  (#) helluin 2006-05-24

  Oh, I was gritting my teeth in a good way through this story. It surprises me to see Auron as such a cranky and reluctant novice (in the first few paragraphs), and yet he was impulsive and short-tempered on Braska's pilgrimage, and a few traces of it remain even at thirty-five and Unsent. The interaction with Kinoc is masterful, just the right mix of cocky kids, pent-up emotions stretched to the breaking point by their weird environment, Auron's experience and the early glimmers of his deep-seated instinct for being true to self, and his awkward incomprehension of another person's distress. (He had problems dealing with Tidus as well, it seems like.) I especially liked his abstract, ever-so-Auron " That was not the proper use of weaponry" in the middle of a rather dangerous and out of control moment.
  
  I have a bad feeling that apple's not going to bring any good to either of them.

  Author's response

  I might have made them a bit too cocky in this one. I think young Auron is constantly struggling with this tendency to be proud --he is constantly having to rationalize and explain away his emotions. It can't be pride, pride isn't a monklike attribute!
  
  I rewrote this story a bit too much, I think. In another draft, I gave them a friendlier interaction, but it just didn't seem in character. At least not in the setting. Maybe I just wanted them to duel. Hah.
  
  Thanks for the thoughtful feedback, as usual. :)

• Red and Black

  (#) fyre_byrd 2006-05-24

  The rigours of training to become a warrior monk are interesting. I like the idea of why they fast - to honour summoners and also to practice what they will experience as traveling warriors.
  
  I find it difficult to believe that Kinoc and Auron really do share a friendship of any sort given the contempt they seem to have for each other.
  
  The idea that the monks are obssessiv enough to count the apples in the orchard makes me laugh andf seems in character with the way you are writing their order.
  
  I am interested in the way you write about tempers growing short from this so called holy fast. It seems to produce nothing but violent impulses in its adherents.
  
  I find it apt that Auron's advice isn't appreciate by Kinoc in his mood.
  
  I also have a feeling that Auron's whimsical gesture of tossing the apple into the boot is going to be VERY ill received. I find this action of his wuite random. Would HE want to eat an apple that has been in his boot? It is a bit mystifying to me. I guess it's just more evidence that the two are really not friends at all they're just sort of stuck together.
  
  You have written Kinoc as someone with a lot of motivation to become a villain. He isn't entirely a sympathetic one either though - he gets put in the position he is on out of laziness and it's laziness that makes him despise his role in the monks as well. I suppose he is human because of it. I guess I wouldn't want to have to fast for three days and learn weapons training either.
  
  I like the idea that hypello would use boomerangs.
  
  I like the idea that Auron is a little uncertain and awkward as an adolescent.
  
  Nitpicking:
  "Five days of intaking nothing save meager portions of a harsh and sour cleansing tea that made him retch every with every swallow." Omit "every" just after "retch."
  
  "Kinoc wasn't exceptionally skilled or particularly interested in much of anything, other than a distant and dim hope of a successful life. Therefore, his mother had decided the only fitting career for her aimless son was to become Maester." Add "a" before "Maester."
  
  "Auron went low, putting force into the force into the swing, striking with the flat edge." You repeat "force into the."
  
  "This was not how monks behave." Replace "behave" with "behaved."
  
  "However, once one is half starved out of their body and completely worked out of their soul, even the privileged son of a Maester could slumber soundly upon such shoddy accommodations." Replace "one" with people, or else replace "their" in every instance with "he" or "one."
  
  "Auron believed Kinoc could serve the temple and Yevon well, but that wouldn't happen Kinoc were to give up on his studies and leave the monastery." Add "if" between "happen" and "Kinoc."
  
  "The temple and Yevon suffer with the loss of every single monk." Replace "suffer" with "suffered."

  Author's response

  Thanks for the nitpicking, as usual!
  
  My Kinoc & Auron do have somewhat of a lop-sided friendship, and it is a bit a case of "default" or being "stuck together". As I noted on my LJ, I rewrote this chapter three times, and one of the earlier drafts had them fostering a more sensitive relationship, but it just didn't seem in character.
  
  Both of them seem a bit cocky as adults to me, and I'm guessing that would be more apparent in their teen years. Maybe I made them a bit too prickly, though. I suppose that is part of the trouble with covering such a wide ground in a relatively small text-space. I'm trying to give Lulu and Auron equal time, and it's tough to do since Auron is older and thus has experienced more.
  
  Apple in the boot: Was an attempt at showing Auron's persistent tactlessness, but I also meant to show that the friendship is important to Auron in the simple act of even giving Kinoc the apple. He wrings his hands over his options and actually has to rationalize it internally until he convinces himself that this tiny act of transgressional kindness is for the good of Yevon.

• Red and Black

  (#) TrekQueen 2006-05-27

  Late to the party sorry! Hehe, I enjoyed this a lot... especially the interaction between Auron and Kinoc. It sets it up nicely for the future events they find themselves in around the time of Braska's pilgrimage and then later during Yuna's. I'm wondering what the apple is going to do... I have a feeling something is going to come of that little placement. Hope to see more soon!

• Red and Black

  (#) Renay 2006-06-05

  I think it's a very interesting spiritual mix you're piecing together here--the more you show the more I want to see. I'm greedy, I love to see how people flesh out the religion of Spira.
  
  Auron and Kinoc have a strange relationship. I think that much was proved here. I like how Auron likes knowing the answers to Kinoc's questions and feels the pride involved but pushes it away because it's not proper. Kinoc's anger is very easy to relate to, and gotten across very well. I don't know whether I think it's horrifying or amusing that Auron can't give the apple any other way than putting it in the shoe. It almost completely negates the effort he put into thinking about it. I liked seeing Auron through Kinoc's eyes here where it occured; it gave a really good contrast between Auron as he's seen and Auron as he is. Great work. :D

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