(#) CarcinoGeneticist 2012-11-18Yes, it's sad. Let's look beyond that, shall we?
Grammatically, it should be 'Gazed', not 'Dazed'. Or maybe the whole largely-concussed thing was what you're going for?
Dying, dying, dying...Notebook or something worthy death scene. Okay, then.
Personally, I would have included morphine, at least a little, mostly for the side effects. And for the line, "Gerard hates it", I would go with, "He hates it". But that's just writing stylistic differences, so pay that no mind if you don't agree.
It's hard to critique this at all, because there isn't actually a lot there. Sure, it's a well-written death scene. It's actually and extremely well-written death scene. But a death scene is still a death scene. There's not much room for improvement.
That's a good thing, because there's really not much to improve here. Go through the grammar and syntax, though. It's icking up your story. You misspelled 'Beginning'. ARGH! ARGH ARGH!
It's good. There's just not enough of it. Think you can carry this over for a few more chapters?
Author's responseLOL you're right, it might be frustrating sorry, do take in to account I wrote this quite a while ago and was really tired so maybe that influences on the fact that it is very short.
I've also tried also to continue but ugh, I need more brainstorms for a background story or something. Other than that I'm working on other stuff at the moment and considering leaving it as a oneshot for the moment. Thanks for the criticism! Helped a lot, I'll check the story tomorrow.
(#) CosmicZombie 2012-11-19Oh man, I have goosebumps! That was so sad, but interesting too; I really like how it wasn't the typical suicide thing. I also think the way it was written was original; there was just something about it I really liked. I'd love to read more...will there be another chapter? Thanks for suggesting this, I'm so glad I read it! I'll try read the other story soon, :)
P.S. I reviewed your 'Reviews for Reviews' post before I realised you reviewed mine- please just ignore it :L I look forward to hearing your opinion on one of my stories :3
Author's responseaw thanks man! I really admire you're fics in secret you know :3 haha I will soon! ('cause I've been on my phone the entire weekend), about the next chapter, I've been thinking about it but aren't really inspired idek :L it's been hard specially because i'm concentrating on The Virgin Suicide more than anything, but as soon as I get something will do! :)
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