Categories > Cartoons > Class of the Titans > A Christmas Mission

Deck the Mall With Archie's Woman's-Wear!

by Demenior 14 reviews

The mall, a public place, how much can go wrong? A lot. Atlanta is about to find out just what type of goat Pan is, get locked in a wonman's undergarments store with two boys, and then meet someone...

Category: Class of the Titans - Rating: PG - Genres: Drama, Humor - Warnings: [!!] - Published: 2006-12-06 - Updated: 2006-12-07 - 3007 words

The End.

Those are the two words I'm dieing to hear, more than anything else in the whole wide world. If I don't hear them, I think I'll erupt like Herry when he's finished his monthly bean-fest. In Neil's sacred words:

"Watch the Hair! Watch the hair!"

Okay, maybe not those words, but these ones.

"Oh My Good Looks- Run for My Life!"

Yes, he does actually swear on the name of his good looks. Believe it or not, it is the truth. Anyways, Mt. Atlanta is currently trying to sneak away from the large group of people who have just started entering the mall. I swear everyone stopped to stare at us, the freak show of unnaturally beautiful men and women, dwarf men who start to dance around at the face of any remotely pretty woman and a few somewhat average-looking teens.

Oh, never mind, the Husband found me.

"Isn't this great, My Wife? We will spend all day in your indoor, giant market of the gods and then we may return to your humble dwellings and get to know each other better. It has been far too long!"

He was holding my hands up, by the wrists, and staring lovingly into my eyes. I probably would have laughed at the moment, had it not been for the fact he was a good head or two taller than me, and so I was being held off the ground. Actually, I probably would have been screaming for Pan-Man to save me and biting Meleager's ankles, if I wasn't being held up, but I was being held by my bruising wrists and could do nothing. I wonder if this is how a piñata feels right before it gets swarmed by sugar-crazed, missing-teeth children.

Okay, buddy, no one grabs Mt. Atlanta like that. Now you shall feel my lava flow! Well, if I could spurt lava, you would. For now, we'll just settle with the good ol' kick in the place where the light don't shine. Ouch! What are his thigh's made of? Titanium? Stupid, in-shape, muscled ancient pervert! You're just lucky I don't have good aim. Anyways, operation 'Lights Out' didn't work, Meleager's just starring at me.

"My Wife? Are you alright? You convulsed and kicked at me," he stated. Something about him smelled funny, like a farm.

Convulsed? Hmm... I should use that on Odie. Nice big word that I have no absolute idea what it means. Fun.

Anyways, since the first Mission didn't work, what's Plan B? Wow, now I sound like Mission Impossible or something. Okay, so I'm in this situation, I need to think of something. Mt. Atlanta is now scouting the area, cue the theme music.

Chi-ka chi-ka chi-ka doodle-oo. Do do dododo do do do dododo do do do do do doodle-oo doodle-oo doodle-oo dodo!

I see the light!

New Olympia Petting Zoo. Ages Two and Up.

So that was what that funny smell was. Okay, now to escape.

"Look! That man over there is /convulsing/!" I shouted.

Meleager looked over his shoulder, and on an afterthought I added, loudly, "It's the BOAR!"

That had him sailing to the ground in three seconds. He took me with him, but I was able to roll away and jumped to my feet. Ages-Two-and-Up-Petting-Zoo, here comes Mt. Atlanta! I sprinted all the way there and dove headfirst into a huge pile of hay, perfect getaway.

Maybe not, if the hay had been deeper, not as pokey-hay and if there hadn't been a pig behind it. My nose will never be the same. Piggy squealed and ran to another hay lump, and I hoped Meleager hadn't seen me run in here.

"'Lanta? Atlanta, where are you?" I heard Pan calling. As I stood up, getting some altitude thanks to my Hay-Hill, I saw Pan and a splash of misplaced violet beside him. Archie's come to rescue me even though he's still grumpy about this morning, cool.

No, wait, not cool! Titanium Thighs is coming up behind them, if they see me, T. Thighs will get me for sure! How to escape, how to escape?

The mother of all pigs just walked in. Pink and black spots all over her body. Since when were pigs black? I always thought they were pink. An idea popped into my head.

Cue my music.


Which I won't sing again because it makes me feel stupid and I don't even know the tune.

I rolled forwards, avoiding animal poo-poos and then jumped behind Mother Piggy.

"Let's move!" I shouted, and gave her a nice push on the behind.

Nothing. No reaction at all.

"Sausages! Pork Chops! Hambones! I vant to dreenk yur blooood!"

She farted. Possibly in fear?

"I will make bacon out of your spleen and your children will be made into omelets- for vegetarians!"

That got her squealing and running. She charged forwards, right towards Pan, Archie and Titanium Thighs. And because I'm an animal rights activist I won't mention how I kicked her when I shouted that last bit.

"It's the SHE-BOAR!" Meleager shrieked, throwing himself aside. He grabbed a discarded broom, probably for sweeping up hay, and held it like a spear as he ran after the pig.

Pan and Archie made their way over to me, now knowing full well where I was. Everyone was looking at the three of us oddly, wonder why.

"Let's head to the back?" I suggested and the followed with barely a nod. I'd seen some cool sign back here, about a fainting goat or something. Sounds interesting enough, eh?

The goat looked completely normal and was just standing in a pan at the back of the petting zoo. Wow, this was so... booring.

"Hey, hey you! Boo! Surprise! Hee-yah!" Wow, for a fainting goat, it was hard to scare.

I jumped up and down, hoping to scare it, "Woosh! It's the buuutccchhheerrr! He's come to take your kidneys!"

The goat blinked dumbly and nibbled on some hay.

"This is stupid," I muttered.

When I turned around, I realized Pan had fainted.


We waved a carrot I 'borrowed' from that stupid 'fainting' goat under Pan's nose to revive him. It didn't take too long for his nose to wiggle and he opened his eyes, groping for the carrot with a drowsy hand. I pulled the carrot away and he sat up, still trying to grab or bite it, maybe both. Man, he's like Jay and eggnog. Only... Pan-Man's thing is carrots.

"Hard to believe you're half goat, hippie, but half fainting goat? That's quite funny," Archie commented. This was the first time he'd spoken since the bathroom catastrophe.

"Wow... I don't know what happened. One minute I was watching Atlanta do some aerobics at the goat, the next I smelt something so wonderful..." he trailed off, giving me big goat-eyes. Wow, as creepy as they are; goat eyes seem to be more effective than puppy-eyes. Why don't people do them more often? Must have something to do with the whole, bulging out of head and sideways pupil thing, whatever.

I gave him the stupid carrot and he devoured it so fast Bugs Bunny wouldn't even be able to get in his 'what's up?' line. Pan got to his feet- hooves- shoes... you know what I mean, and the three of us slowly began heading outside. There was a large crowd gathered in a circle, people screaming for animal control and others laughing about some lunatic man with a broom. Looks like Meleager is having fun with his she-boar.

We got out easily enough, now Mt. Atlanta is hungry. She did not eat any supper because Mt. Atlanta was tending to eggnoged Jay, and then Mt. Atlanta did not eat breakfast because she was stuck in the bathroom with her best friend. Mt. Atlanta will die if Mt. Atlanta does not get food. Now.

And I'll stop with the Mt. Atlanta thing... though I admit; referring to myself in third person is cool. I know! I'll give myself a different name to refer to in the third person, that way I won't drive myself insane repeating my name over and over again. Brilliant.

"So what are you guys going to get for everyone?" Pan asked, the green part of the carrot sticking out of his mouth.

Archie shrugged, "Socks?"


"Really? I thought you mortals preferred, like, toys. Not food. But get me vegetables because you know I don't like me-" Pan stopped as I gave him a nasty glare.

"Not for you. For Atlanta. She. Is. Hun-gry."

Archie and pan cast a look between each other, then nodded quickly.

"Right then, food court first, then shopping," Pan said, sipping in the last of his carrot greens. Wow, guess my glare was angrier then I thought it would be.

Betty is happy now that Betty and friends are going to get food.

Oh, look, Alyssa sees friends! Dianna likes friends!

Oh no, Barbie sees vampire. Vampires bad

"What are you doing Atlanta?" Archie asked, I realize now that I hid behind him instead of Pan.

"Annabelle?" I squeaked out.


"Nothing, nothing. Just Atlanta."

Archie looked at me before turning to give Herry a high-five.

"Hey guys! Having fun?" Herry smiled.

Aww, Emily likes her big teddy-bear brother, yes she does.

"You could say that," Pan flashed a smile back. Secretly Zoey noticed bits of carrot on his otherwise perfect munchers.

"That's good," Herry nodded, "Talia and I are buzzing through the list. At this rate we'll be done by the end of the day!"

"Great news," Archie grinning, nodding.

"A'en't you de boy f'om de vash'oom dis mo'ning?" Talia interrupted, "de von who vas 'unning drough de c'owd in a towvel?"

Archie turned red and looked away. Wait, why would she want to know? Unless- she's the one who stole Archie's clothes! It has to be Evil, who else? Anne was about to chew her out, but Delilah can't do that in front of Herry. That's just way too harsh.

"Bridget and friends are going to food court-now," I said through my teeth, pushing Archie and Pan away from Herry and Talia. I don't like her with my Herry, but if Herry likes her then maybe he can make her good. After all, basically no one can be harsh to Herry. I've only met one person who truly didn't like Herry. I shuddered at the memory of Oxy.

We made our merry way to the food court. Considering this mall was rather large, it was taking us a while. Every so often I swear I heard a 'My Wife' following us, so we had to duck into several random stores. Once such happened to be the women's, eherm, underclothes. This is where we were currently stationed. Both Archie and Pan were trying to ignore all the feminine items around them and the stares they were getting form everyone- male and female.

I peered around a rack of thongs.

"I think we're almost clear, guys," I told them.

The two of them were curled in the fetal position, surprisingly trying to touch the least amount of bras and underwear possible. Wow, who would've thought both Archie and Pan had the willpower stamina to resist.

"Okay," I stood and was about to motion for them to follow, when a familiar tanned, red-haired, and well muscled body came into view.

The Husband. Titanium Thighs. The Death of my Love life. Whatever you want to call him, even his name for gosh's sake!

I dove back behind the thongs, Archie and Pan's wide eyes told me they'd realized they were going to be stuck in here a while longer. A vivid, pink blush was burning up their faces. Had this moment been funny, and in the world of television, I'd laugh and also take a picture with the camera I just happen to carry around all the time.

But this isn't, this is life. So being as discreet as possible, I pulled a rack of lacey bras in front of us, completely surrounding the three of us in women's wear. Archie and Pan have now just invented a brand new shade of pink.

The Husband waltzed in, looking around surprised like. Probably has never seen so many women's secret-clothing, especially in one place. He looked around with a dopey grin, and I flinched when his eyes passed over our hiding place. Fortunately, a pretty young girl with blonde hair tied in a pony tail bounced up to him.

"Can I help... what do you need, sir?"

"Have you seen My Wife? She is beautiful, stronger than you, faster than you and I saw her come in here. Her hair is the color of the fire in my heart," Meleager went on dreamily. Archie and pan, now recovering and coming back to normal boy/man hormones, had gotten over their initial shock, and were now giggling at Meleager's descriptions. I kicked out at them, and caught Archie in the face. He fell out of our safe-zone with a cry.

The store remained bustling and active. Archie scrambled back inside, there was a pair of pink underwear stuck to his gelled hair. He didn't notice yet, so Pan and I refrained from telling him.

"I could say that looked like the little boy my Wife has befriended," I heard Meleager. Both Archie and I gave each other nasty looks for obvious reasons. He's given away our hiding place and he's upset at being called a little boy.

"My Wife?"

"Go! Go!" I gave both Archie and Pan shoves and we sprang from the undergarments like rabbits from a burning cage. Trust me, they move fast.

We shot out of there, bras, underwear, thongs and other things flying in every which direction. Girls screamed and some men hooted, but the only think I heard was, I'll give you three guesses,


If you got that wrong, don't be worried, I didn't see that coming. If you got that right... go away.

Anyways, we made it to the food court. Yummy! I love the smell of the food court, it always makes me hungry. Perfect, because I'm already starving. I doubled over in hunger, moaning for French fries or a cinnamon bun. Yuuummm....

Archie and Pan pulled me up, hanging my arms around their shoulders. Some people walked past, took one look at Archie, and burst out laughing. He shot them a glare, still ignorant to the garment on his head. Together he and Pan dragged me into the food court and all three of us paused a moment to take in a deep breath.

"Okay, so who has the money?" Archie asks the two of us.

Money? What money? I no have this thing you call money.

"I thought you had it," Pan said simply.

Archie shook his head, "Not me. Even Odie and Herry were smart enough to know I'm terrible with money." Another group of people walked past and laughed at Archie.

They both looked at me, "'Lan?"

I shook my head, "Foooood."

So, if none of us had money. How could we buy food? Who on earth would have the money? Oh no... they didn't...

Archie and Pan seemed to have come to the same conclusion as I had, seeing at how shocked their faces were. I was the only one brave enough to say it out loud.

"Titanium Thighs." They both stared at me like I had a second head, so I changed the name,

"Meleager. They gave the money to /him/!"

"Okay..." Archie let out a slow breath, I recognized this from an anger management counselor I once had, "we'll need to get him in here and then get the money from him so that we can buy some food."

We didn't have to wait long, almost as soon as Archie had finished we heard a loud squeal of "My Wife!" and "Wonderwife!" before Meleager tackled all three of us.

Considering Archie seemed very angry, and I was not going to be taken down that easily, the two of us fought back and soon Meleager, Archie and I were struggling, kicking, hugging and pushing across the floor. Pan fainted somewhere at the beginning of the wrestling.

People were jumping up and flying out of the way and the three of us tackled and wrestled our way through the tables and legs. Believe it or not, I was actually having fun. Both these guys were tough opponents, I'm tougher you know, and so it was really hard to try and pin one of them without being attacked by the other.

We rolled into another table, and a plate of mashed potatoes, corn and chicken fell onto Meleager's head. Archie and I burst out laughing, getting to our feet. I heard a gasp, like someone who is seeing a friend in a chance meeting for the first time in years. Slowly I let my gaze travel from Meleager's food-covered head, Archie still with his pink underwear-head and looked to the woman who was sitting at the table.

"You!" we both screamed pointing at each other. Archie had gone immediately pale, and Pan and Meleager who were now joining us, had no idea of what was going on.

That woman, with her heavy build, horn-shaped fuzzy brown hair, double chin and beady black eyes...



Oh no! Oxy is back- and she's bigger, badder, Oxy-er than ever!

The whole "Boar" referance is to the Calydonian Boar Hunt that Meleager met Atalanta on. And that whole sequence with the different girl names, Atlanta was trying out different names for hher third-person reference.

Sorry for the long update, school's been swamping me lately and I think I'm coming down with some bad flu bug... fun.

I'll try and update soon, but in the meantime, if you haven't, check out my newest story: 'Dreams in Darkness.'

Reviews would be loved, but critique (and GOOD critiquing) is even better.

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