(#) PerfesserN 2007-08-19Excellent as usual. I especially love the way you construct the world in which we'll be visiting the characters, like so many old friends. It's like you're the writer director.
Cue the music, aaaaaaannnnnnndddd, ACTION!
Write on, write on!
P.S. Not sure what's happening with this site, this is my 2nd attempt posting a review for your fine work.
- I'm a bit in two minds about this story. On one hand, you're a good writer, your writing style flows very nicely, and you have a fair grasp on dialogue. Your writings have the same "easy-to-pick-up-and-read" qualities of the original HP books (from what I've read of your other stories, this also applies to them).
Now, I'm going to be nitpicky and possibly come across as mean in this next part, but please don't take it as a personal attack on you, because it's not meant that way at all.
My main problem is with, well, characterization. The people here just don't feel like the characters I know from the HP books... the worst bit is Harry threatening a goblin with his wand and then saying "if I have to use magic, there will not be a goblin left alive to rebel" -- that just goes so completely against his character, such as it is in the books. Harry might have a touch of arrogance over him, and he's not always the nicest guy, but he's not that much of a jerk, or that stupidly suicidal. (And despite what a lot of fanfics seem to think, Harry is not in any way the most powerful wizard there is and would not have had the raw power to deal with a bank-ful of goblins.) He comes across as bullying and overbearing, even when he's being "nice" to the goblins later on -- I woulda expected that kind of behavior from Malfoy, but not from Harry.
Hermione, too, comes across as OOC -- while I can easily see Hermione as overly bitchy and snappish, I really don't see how she would have been so under those circumstances, and particularly not to Ron, whom she has just gotten together with if you follow canon timeline, and who has done absolutely no wrong. Yeah, I realize her arguments and completely agree that those are conclusions Hermione would have drawn (she's very much a "don't do what you will, do what I say" personality, and would definitely argue for the change of the entire society if she thought that was for the better), but blowing up in Ron's face just for saying "now, Hermione"? I also can't see her as that unforgiving towards Percy -- Hermione is usually more forgiving than that, after she'd had some time to think things over.
Speaking of Percy, when did he get so formal? I know he was never all that chummy with Harry or Hermione, and has been estranged from them from three years, but why would he suddenly begin calling them "miss Granger" and "mister Potter" when he never did before? It was always "Harry" and "Hermione" when he was at Hogwarts, and then "Potter" (no "mister") when he cut off from his family. I think that he woulda gone back to calling them by their first names by now... or at least dropped the "miss" and "mister."
Toldja this review would sound overly mean and nitpicky.
Well, I do think the story has potential to be really great.
I do like the idea here, and the political implications of the story are definitely interesting -- but, like I said, the characters just don't feel right. It's mainly because of that fact that this doesn't feel like the "real" epilogue at all, but... something else.
Still, there are probably many more chapters to go, so things can still get better... and most of the OOC things can be explained away (Percy was overly polite on purpose, Hermione was under a lot of stress), except for Harry, who is just blatantly OOC no matter how I look at it.
Author's responseIn the end, despite the Resistance and the students at Hogwarts, it was Harry & Hermione who saved Wizarding Britain and Percy (and the Ministry) needs to suck up to them. He's going to be formal for now. Also, Percy is feeling guilty for even more reasons, which will be revealed later.
I think Harry & Hermione's forgiving Ron in DH was a little extreme for them (esp. Hermione)but not seriously so. I see them, esp. Hermione, setting his betrayal (which is what it was in context) aside. Ron's behavior does NOT improve much, and Hermione sick of it. Notice also that Ron is not interested in Hermione's agenda (getting to her parents) and Hermione is not much more interested in Ron's excuses than she is interested in the Ministry's excuses for why the Umbridges of wizarding Britain shouldn't be punished.
Ron's betrayal is actually greater than shown in DH, which again will be shown later. Still, Hermione does love Ron and Harry is attracted to Ginny. That, and the post-war context will explain how we get to the sugar-coated official epilogue.
Harry repaired his wand using the elder wand, an impossible bit of magic for ANYONE according to canon. He has not replaced the elder wand in Dumbledore's tomb. He could destroy the goblins. As far was we know, the reason why Dumbledore was so powerful was in part his use of the wand.
Was Harry serious about destroying the goblins? No, it was a ploy to get their attention when otherwise they would have brushed him off, and he hints at that when he says he would prefer not to, and hints more when he gives the goblins what they claim they want most -- 'their' treasures back.
If your reading of the characters are different, that's fine, but these are some reasons why I have mine.
(#) sparky40sw 2007-08-20Excellent story - I thoroughly enjoy the way you are showing the workings of HOW the jkr epilogue arrives. As others have noted above i am not too thrilled with the canon epilogue, but some better build-up might make it palatable.
thanks for sharing your talents
- Thanks for your response to my review!
Your points are well made, although I can't really agree with them... I still feel Harry was OOC during the "goblin" scene -- I can see the hints of him being nice to them, but he still comes across as bullying and condescending (and not particularly likeable) to me. Not that the goblins are any better, mind, but I tend to think that Harry would have used different methods -- not that I couldn't see Harry eventually becoming a person that acted like you present him here, but since it's three days after the last battle, I feel it's much too soon for him to have changed that much.
Your point about the Elder Wand is duly noted, though -- I can't believe I missed that! D'OH! My mistake there!
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