- Nice chapter.
Liked the holocron idea for Force training. That should really get the attention of the Jedi.
I do wonder if learning about the force has helped his magic at all.
Don't think you should go with the female force idea, seems to much like a humor fic idea or crack fic. It would take away from the seriousness of the fic by taking it so far from canon info and interpretations about the Force.
The battle was nice. As much fun as it is to surprise Harry I do find it odd that the Kamino's keep dropping new equipment off on him right before a major battle. As commander he should have some say in what equipment is issued to his Army.
Also find it weird that this is the second time that reinforcements(that Harry didn't know about) are thrown in after the battle starts. Just how much are the Kamino's keeping from Harry.
As the old saying goes, amateurs talk tactics, professionals talk logistics. Harry should show more interest in what resources are available for his Army.
As nice as it was to see the Pirates get kicked I am surprised that they actually attacked instead of ran. Most likely the only reason they were in on this attack is they were promised an easy target. The moment warships showed up they should have started having second thoughts.
Thanks for the clone guide. The ones that are really confusing are the CC Clone captains, their are just so many with the same CC-### and you can't exactly use physical identifiers since they all look alike and wear armor.
More soon please.
Author's responseWell most of the questions in this one have been answered by my explaination in your first review for this chapter. At the moment, Harry is an Amateur. He is new towards war, the battle he fought only help him get rid of the jitters. He haven't seen the full side of wars beside just battles yet. He will soon... here is a small hint for you about one of the major event that will happen in the future chapters of the story with three simple words: Base-Delta-Zero.
Find that out and you'll probably know what's going to happen to several antagonists.
- w00t! I love pell-mell battles!
:D I didn't know Harry was the heir of Admiral Nelson! :))
You know, I have misgivings with Star Wars ships having broadsides, I'm more particular with the Kuat-style Arrowhead ships... But I'm just that much of an Imperial fan.
On another note: Just how FAR back is Harry's master from? I mean, even in Knights of the Old Republic there were rules against training non-infants. I'm slightly disappointed there was no indication of doubts from the master. (Plus I'm assuming Harry must have a lot of "dark side influence", given the fact that he has a magical scar and everything).
I'm also sad that the pirates were given less screen time. As other people have said, as soon as push came to shove they should've ran away. Also, I don't think a huge pirate fleet can be commanded by just one commander... I'm betting that this was ala Pirates of the Caribbean where Pirate Lords team up. If so, I would've expected more individual tactics. Not to mention some would've ran away sooner than others. :( I want a cool pirate character, that would be awesome.
And I'm nominating a kick-ass Wedge-type character. I want more characters that own even though they're not force-users.
Wait, female force? I guess I'll have to wait for that to show up in the story so I'll get what you mean.
Lastly, can someone do a fan-art of Clone female harry troopers? I'm curious what they actually look like, haha!
By the way, I really hope Harry gets a decent (if possible, Grand Admiral Thrawn level) antagonist. Every battle so far has been relatively easy.
PS: Needs more Harry-leads-from-the-front-lines. Show some Gryffindor courage! (Even though I'm Slytherin, myself)
Good fic! Love what you've done so far.
Author's responseWell lets see.... Master Qalsneek lived at the time of the Great Sith War. Meaning 4000 years before Harry was born. Remember this is not the 'actual' Jedi Master. It's his holocron, he can't sense the force within Harry unless he comes back as a force ghost. As for the Pirates, they are subject to pride and arrogance like us as well. Put yourself in their P.O.V. imagine yourself and a large group of your fellow pirates encountering Harry's Fleet. it numbers around 17 ships while you and your guys have almost over 100 ships... tell me this would you have thought you would win or not? "Pride before a Fall" that's what the pirates learned at great costs.
At the moment, the pirates mean little to me, I added them to deal with some loose ends that will develope if they are allowed to exist in the current story. Trust me, he will meet a powerful antagonist. But I won't revolve the story entirely around the two fighting each other. Remember, the Universe is massive! There are always bigger fish to fry.
For your Pirate character suggestion, I haven't decided on that just yet. Still thinking about it.... I could put in a Pirate character in with Harry, but then we would have to decide if it should be a male or female.
I prefer the old republic ships rather than Imperial ones, Yes I'm a republic fan! lol
I hope these answers will help you. Talk to me if you have anymore suggestions or questions.
Oh also, I can't have him lead from the front all the times. it will kill the realism of war and battle (mixed with sci-fi and Magic) in the story.
- Okay I just finished reading all the chapters in one go. First, I want to say it has a lot of potential, and not to take this review as a flame because it isn’t though it may sound negative.
Slow down, things happen so fast with very little explanation, and very little character interaction. Introducing new forces when you haven fleshed out the characters you introduced in the last paragraph is disappointing to read. Its like going down a grocery list. Harry did this then this then this, and finally this, and the clones were loyal. Isn’t very exciting.
If you need more help with writing battle scenes look to actual history, and alter actual events that happened with your characters and slightly different happenings, and then detail the action.
Then there is this little problem though reading it was hilarious for me. Your little sound affect words were, well like I said hilarious. Not very descriptive though. When your writing a scene where blaster bolts are flying every which way, and the there is smoke and debris and chaos, try describing it instead. Think of all the things you would see in a combat zone. Wounded bodies, blood, everywhere, flames, wreckage, smoke filling the air ionization making armor spark, and static. Screaming, and confusion troops running and shooting dieing all around. Equipment being blown to hell. All of that can be written in great detail and really make the story come alive. “Shlam shlam” or whatever it was you wrote while semi amusing doesn’t do nearly good enough a job of describing what is going on. Using a word for a sound affect and then describing it works but not just the sound affect itself.
Also, get a beta reader, preferably one with at least a collage level English. It’s always nice to be able to hand off a chapter and have another look over it, and you tend to make errors with spelling and double posting words, or using words with similar sound but different spelling/meaning. Completely understandlable all authors have that problem to one degree or another. Which is why authors have editors.
As to the female force, for god sake NO, NO, NO! Leave the force as a mystic energy field, not an identity. Plus it makes me think you have been reading a story titled For Love of The Queen, which has such a force. It is annoying. Not to mention you get the whole Mary Sue aspect if the “Force” reveals “herself” to Harry and not the Jedi or Sith. What is so great about Harry? why is he able to see the force? Nope it’s to Mary Sue special.
Your interpretation of the Jedi in your writing was also a little lacking, you seemed to channel, the spirit of a drunk slacker instead of Jedi Zen Master, when writing them. Also your teaching Harry force techniques which is all well and good but all the techniques you are talking about are video game references, the proper name for them in writing is just telekinesis. What a Jedi or Sith can or cannot do with telekinesis us up to his abilities whether its lifting an X-Wing like Yoda or sending battle droids careening in every direction, levitating oneself, or forming a invisible barrier to block attacks.
I am glad to see you had Harry having trouble with battle meditation; he seemed to be doing a little to well for so little training. Which brings me back to the point of Jedi philosophy; you seem to be using Video games for a reference point for Jedi Lore. I’d like to recommend that you pick up three books, The Essential Guide to The Force, Power of the Jedi Source Book, and The Dark Side Source Book. You should be able to get them at your local library. It should help with the Jedi training scenes, if you take the time.
As far as the names of the clone troopers go, it would be nice to have them having a name to go with the number adds familiarity for the reader and will help us keep the characters straight in our heads.
As for how to get the names that’s easy. Look them up on the internet. Type in Baby Names in a google search and pick any of the sites most offer names from multiple cultures even mythology.
The continual asking for your readers to help you write the story is a little, …off. Especially when asking for reference material. You should already have a good idea of who is who and what’s what. You are the author after all.
Anyway probably a harsh review but, I tried to help and show things that could be improved, and like I said pay more attention to character interaction. Good luck with your story.
Author's responseThanks for the 'informative' review. You actually targeted several of the problems I have trouble dealing with. I'm not exactly a library person, that's why I basically used Wookiepedia.com for all the information about he force and it's uses. I'm actually using a writing style that I picked up from a SW xover story and my years of reading fics in FF.net. It's called Crown of Ebony by Helltanz98.
I will will try to slow it down, at the current moment I'm twisting some things in the SW-Time line to fit it into my purpose. It's true about the battle-scenes, I'm currently having problems to make it more descriptive. I've actually been trying to find a editor/beta. So I just made ficwad as my beta. That's why I've been asking for help from the readers, they are my editor/beta readers.
As for the Jedi, yes I know I've depicted them that way. But I'm not saying that everyone of them is that way. through research I've found that there are Jedis who are like zen masters but there are also ones who are just plain arrogant, lazy ect.
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