- Nothing special here. It seems like the same old cliched Super!Indy!Harry. You made him too powerful in the span of a day. He learns Legilimency in 1 day over summer break but can't learn all 5th year? He has super memory? What the hell? What's the point of going to school if you memorize everything you read? Let me guess, he probably will need zero training at the rate this is going. What's he supposed to do for the rest of the story? Bitch about Dumbledore?
Also, Harry/Hermione and Indy!Harry do not mix. If he is asserting his independence then why is he willing to be bossed around by the bossy control freak Hermione?
I think a more exotic pairing like Harry/Fem!Blaise, Harry/Daphne, or Harry/Tracey Davis would be a good change of pace. It would allow you to explore outside of the cliched fanfiction. You could develope your own personalities and histories for them.
Oh, and if you go anywhere near Harry/Ginny I will stop reading.
- You should probably have someone beta your story to catch the homonym and tense errors. Some of the sentences are run-ons but the story is interesting enough for someone with a high school reading level to ignore the mistakes. If you don't mind a beta taking liberty I wouldn't mind previewing your work if you continue to write.
(#) AberforthsAvatar 2007-05-29The concept described in your summary looked interesting. Unfortunately your grammar is so poor that I can't struggle through this. Verb tenses, use of the wrong homonym, and capitalization errors are just the start. Please find some one to help you with this. English is a precision tool, not a blunt instrument.
- Definitely a nice start to the story. If Harry heads off to claim his own "school", I can quite definitely see Hermione, with her drive for learning, going with him. chuckle If you want to make matters more interesting, perhaps a few Ravenclaws, too? wicked chuckle Luna Lovegood, perhaps? Though I can think of other equally suitable Ravenclaws to make the "expedition" most memorable for all concerned.
Sign up to review this story.